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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


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The Queen was in Glasgow and she bumped into Alex Salmond. HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond. AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence  How ab

It made me laugh brochbuilder, some folk need to loosen up a bit.

CLASSIC VERSION:   The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.   The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and lau

(**Moderator edit - Joke removed due to content**)

 

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Donald Rumsfeld is briefing President Bush: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

 

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "that's terrible!"

 

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

 

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

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(**Moderator edit - Joke removed due to content**)

 

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On a tour of Scotland, the Queen took a couple of days off to visit the west coast. Her Range Rover was proceeding along the golden sands of Saltcoats when there was an enormous commotion.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic tops sped into view one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly.

The other two reached out and pulled the Rangers fan from the water and using long clubs beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore........

It was the Queen calling them to the beach.

On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said,"I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of Scotland were bigoted and trying to divide the country in two but now I see this is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."

She knighted them and drove off. As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, "Who the {'f' it was funny in Father Ted 'eck'} was that?!" "That," one answered, "was the Queen. She's loved by Protestants and knows everything about our country."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "she knows {'f' it was funny in Father Ted 'eck'} all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up? Or do we need to get another one?"

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Little Tommy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour saw him. "What ya doin' Tommy?" he asks.

"My budgie died," replied the lad, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was confused. "That's an awfully big hole for a budgie, isn't it?"

Tommy smoothed over the last of the earth and replied, "That's because he's inside your feckin' cat!"

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(**Moderator edit - Joke removed due to content**)

 

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Old Sean lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

 

Dear Mick,

I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

 

Dear Father,

For Christ's sake, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them feckin' bodies!

Love, Mick

 

At four o'clock. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local Gardai showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they filled the lot in, apologized to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

 

Dear Father,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Mick

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