Malcolm Posted March 1, 2008 Report Share Posted March 1, 2008 A man went to the market to buy Valentine's Day cardsfor his daughter and mother. The 50-foot display of hundreds of cardsastounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses?" The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex'category, but they're in Sporting Goods." "Really?" "Yes sir. They're called bullets!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 1, 2008 Report Share Posted March 1, 2008 Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an actiondocudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and ArnoldSchwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desiredthe box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he wasprepared to allow them to select whatever composers theywould portray, as long as they were very famous. "Well,"started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would loveto play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite, and myimage would improve if people saw me playing the piano,"said Willis. "I'll play him." "I've always been partial toStrauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him." Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Soundssplendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Whodo you want to be, Arnold?" So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 1, 2008 Report Share Posted March 1, 2008 I went to see my friends new baby today. She asked me if I'd like to wind it? I thought, "Bloody hell, that's a bit harsh." So I just gave it a dead leg instead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 1, 2008 Report Share Posted March 1, 2008 Little old man totters into the chemist to buy Viagra. "Can I have 6 tablets and I'll need them cut into quarters?" "I can cut them for you," said the chemist "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection." "I'm 96," said the old man "I don't have much use for an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 1, 2008 Report Share Posted March 1, 2008 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home."Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."Patient: "Is it common?"Doc: "Well. {sings} It's not unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says toDolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning.""I don't believe you," says Dolly."It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at though. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!" 16. And finally, there were these people who sent sixteen different puns to their friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 5, 2008 Report Share Posted March 5, 2008 An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "There is a 20 dollar note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 dollar note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear . "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. How moch was in dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. 1,990 dollars exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman (Wait for it...........scroll down.) I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 5, 2008 Report Share Posted March 5, 2008 Two friends went to church and decided that as it had been a long time since their last confession maybe now would be a good time. They tossed a coin to see who should go first and Mick won. “Father, forgive me it is many months since my last confession†he says. The priest responded with a blessing and asked what he had to confess. Well father, “I have had carnal knowledge with a young lady†he admits. “Was it that Mary from Smith Street†the priest asks. “I’m very sorry father but I can’t tell you her nameâ€. “Was it that Morag from the local barâ€? Look Father I am sorry, but I just can’t say. “Well then it had to be Caroline from the fish shopâ€. The priest asks again. Look father, it’s like I said, “I’m sorry but I just can’t tell you her name†Now look here Mick, was it Shelagh from Donald Street he asks one last time. Father I really am sorry but I am not going to tell you her name. Very well Mick say’s the priest, but for your penance you are banned from this church for one month and I want you to say 4 Hail Mary’s. “Very well father, thank you†says Mick and he leaves. When he gets to where John his friend has been waiting, he sits down beside him and lets out a big sigh. What happened Mick? Well I have got to say 4 Hail Mary’s. “Is that it†John asks. “Oh no†says Mick. “I’ve got a month off from this place and 4 new contacts too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 6, 2008 Report Share Posted March 6, 2008 There once was this mad scientist. One day, being curious of the nature of frogs, he propped a frog up on his desk, opened his log book and carefullyobserved the animal. After staring at it for a considerable amount oftime, the scientist finally said, "LEAP!" And the frog leapt. Thescientist then quickly jotted down in his log book, "Frogs can leap." The following day, the mad scientist entered his lab, checked his logbook, put the frog up on the table and, again, stared at it. Finally, hetook out a scalpel, removed one of the frog legs and said, "LEAP!" Andthe frog leapt. The scientist quickly added to his log book, "Frogs canleap with three legs." The next day, the scientist, upon entering his lab, went through thesame routine, cutting off another of the frog legs. As he was staring atthe wretched animal who now was missing two legs, he said, "LEAP!" Andthe frog leapt. The scientist then added to his previous observations,"Frogs can leap with two legs." On the fourth day, the scientist behaved according to his habits andremoved a third leg from the frog. He then expectantly said, "LEAP!" Andthe frog leapt. Well, by now, the scientist was quite excited about allthis. He wrote down in his log book, "Frogs can leap with only one leg!" Finally, on the fifth day, the scientist entered his lab, all readythrilled by what new discoveries he might make. As usual, he checkedhislog book, placed the frog on the table, stared at what was left ofthe animal, reached for his scalpel and removed the last of the froglegs. He then said: "LEAP!" But alas the frog did not leap. "LEAP! LEAP!" exclaimed the scientist. Still, the frog did not leap."LEAP!" yelled the scientist.The frog did not leap. The scientist, a little disappointed, finally wrote down in his logbook, "Frogs, when deprived of all legs, become deaf." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 6, 2008 Report Share Posted March 6, 2008 A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constantribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resistmaking fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his handacross the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feelsjust like my wife's backside." With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his handacross his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 6, 2008 Report Share Posted March 6, 2008 A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness wasdetermined to prove wrong the old saying, "You can't take it with you."After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finallyfigured out how to take at least some of his money with him when hedied. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money tofill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money tothe attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When hepassed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in theattic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed withcash. "Oh, that oldfool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in thebasement." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 6, 2008 Report Share Posted March 6, 2008 The classic oldie: Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots hisfriend and kills him. Wife says: "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends." -- The Scottish version: Angus McKenzie comes home and finds his wife in bed with his friend. Heshoots his wife. Later, at the pub, his friends ask him why he did that. Angus "I can budget one bullet, but I got a lot more friends than I wantto buy bullets for!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 6, 2008 Report Share Posted March 6, 2008 An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequentlyclimbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of theexpedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow. "Yeti tracks" the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them, "Onething you must know before we proceed; Do not, under any circumstances,touch the yeti." The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope.Night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of nightthe Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance un-zipping! Half asleep, he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standingabove him. In fear for his life, the explorer jumped up and ran out ofthe tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer, let out a deafening howland began to chase the explorer down the slope. The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could takehim. After he rounded a corner, he looked behind him to see the boundingform of the yeti still chasing him. So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain injust two days. Exhausted, he paused to rest awhile. After just a fewmoments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yetifeet on snow. He looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away. The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of milesaway, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedalling his way tothe nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him severaldays over the rough terrain and after his arrival he checked into ahotel to recuperate. Two days later, the manleft his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soonas he turned around, though, he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon,bounding towards him at great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and droveit away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the manwasted no time in getting on the next plane to London. After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his flat torecover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than twoweeks when, gazing out of a window he saw a familiar, large, bounding,manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it: somehow the yeti had followed himto England! The man had little choice but to run away again, using any means hecould, bike, car and on foot to try to escape the yeti. But each time helooked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view. Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there raninto the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yetijust kept getting closer and closer. In the end the man could run nomore. With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stoppedand turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of hisstrength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man, who could only stare interror. ..............The yeti extended his hand, poked the Englishman squarely in the chestwith one long finger and with a low, rumbling voice the yeti spoke: He said... :"Tag! You're it!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 6, 2008 Report Share Posted March 6, 2008 A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitiveinformation from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walkaround town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He foundhimself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. "Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy." "Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's avillage right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, thebaker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my nameis Murphy." "Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secretcode. "The sun is shining... the grass is growing... the cows are readyfor milking." "Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy - he's in thevillage over the other direction." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 6, 2008 Report Share Posted March 6, 2008 Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Mefeet are freezing, mate, could ya nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother." answers Murphy. He runs upstairs and there are Paddy's twostunning 19 year old twin daughters sat naked on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da's sent me up here to make da love to ya both." "Fook off you're a liar!" "I'll prove it." Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs: " Both of'em, Paddy?" "Of course. What's the use of fookin one!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 6, 2008 Report Share Posted March 6, 2008 The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to anappointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditoris not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor. The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and nofull-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win moneygambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.' 'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about ademonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!' Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.' Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.' The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddyremoves his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor nowrealises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy'ssolicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet yousix thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and p!$$into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywherein between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully anddecides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agreesagain. Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although hestrains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin onthe other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor'sdesk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a majorloss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head inhis hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told mehe'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could comein here and p!$$ all over your desk - and that you'd be happy aboutit.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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