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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


Njugle
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A man went to the market to buy Valentine's Day cards

for his daughter and mother. The 50-foot display of hundreds of cards

astounded him.

 

He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses?"

 

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex'

category, but they're in Sporting Goods."

 

"Really?"

 

"Yes sir. They're called bullets!"

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Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action

docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold

Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired

the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was

prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they

would portray, as long as they were very famous. "Well,"

started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love

to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my

image would improve if people saw me playing the piano,"

said Willis. "I'll play him." "I've always been partial to

Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

 

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds

splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who

do you want to be, Arnold?"

 

So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

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Little old man totters into the chemist to buy Viagra.

 

"Can I have 6 tablets and I'll need them cut into quarters?"

 

"I can cut them for you," said the chemist "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."

 

"I'm 96," said the old man "I don't have much use for an erection,

 

I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers!"

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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

7. Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home."

Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

Patient: "Is it common?"

Doc: "Well. {sings} It's not unusual."

 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to

Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at though.

 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

 

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

 

16. And finally, there were these people who sent sixteen different puns to their friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

 

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

 

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

 

"Incredible" he says, "There is a 20 dollar note lodged up here."

 

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10

 

dollar note appears.

 

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"

 

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

 

 

 

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and

 

another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes

 

out and no more appear .

 

 

 

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. How moch was in dare

 

den?"

 

 

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. 1,990 dollars exactly."

 

 

"Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

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Two friends went to church and decided that as it had been a long time since their last confession maybe now would be a good time. They tossed a coin to see who should go first and Mick won.

 

“Father, forgive me it is many months since my last confession†he says. The priest responded with a blessing and asked what he had to confess.

 

Well father, “I have had carnal knowledge with a young lady†he admits. “Was it that Mary from Smith Street†the priest asks. “I’m very sorry father but I can’t tell you her nameâ€.

 

“Was it that Morag from the local bar� Look Father I am sorry, but I just can’t say.

 

“Well then it had to be Caroline from the fish shopâ€. The priest asks again. Look father, it’s like I said, “I’m sorry but I just can’t tell you her nameâ€

 

Now look here Mick, was it Shelagh from Donald Street he asks one last time. Father I really am sorry but I am not going to tell you her name.

 

Very well Mick say’s the priest, but for your penance you are banned from this church for one month and I want you to say 4 Hail Mary’s. “Very well father, thank you†says Mick and he leaves.

 

When he gets to where John his friend has been waiting, he sits down beside him and lets out a big sigh.

 

 

What happened Mick? Well I have got to say 4 Hail Mary’s. “Is that it†John asks. “Oh no†says Mick.

 

“I’ve got a month off from this place and 4 new contacts too.

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There once was this mad scientist. One day, being curious of the nature of

frogs, he propped a frog up on his desk, opened his log book and carefully

observed the animal. After staring at it for a considerable amount of

time, the scientist finally said, "LEAP!" And the frog leapt. The

scientist then quickly jotted down in his log book, "Frogs can leap."

 

The following day, the mad scientist entered his lab, checked his log

book, put the frog up on the table and, again, stared at it. Finally, he

took out a scalpel, removed one of the frog legs and said, "LEAP!" And

the frog leapt. The scientist quickly added to his log book, "Frogs can

leap with three legs."

 

The next day, the scientist, upon entering his lab, went through the

same routine, cutting off another of the frog legs. As he was staring at

the wretched animal who now was missing two legs, he said, "LEAP!" And

the frog leapt. The scientist then added to his previous observations,

"Frogs can leap with two legs."

 

On the fourth day, the scientist behaved according to his habits and

removed a third leg from the frog. He then expectantly said, "LEAP!" And

the frog leapt. Well, by now, the scientist was quite excited about all

this. He wrote down in his log book, "Frogs can leap with only one leg!"

 

Finally, on the fifth day, the scientist entered his lab, all ready

thrilled by what new discoveries he might make. As usual, he checked

hislog book, placed the frog on the table, stared at what was left of

the animal, reached for his scalpel and removed the last of the frog

legs. He then said: "LEAP!" But alas the frog did not leap.

"LEAP! LEAP!" exclaimed the scientist. Still, the frog did not leap.

"LEAP!" yelled

the scientist.The frog did not leap.

 

The scientist, a little disappointed, finally wrote down in his log

book, "Frogs, when deprived of all legs, become deaf."

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A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant

ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist

making fun of his baldness.

 

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand

across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels

just like my wife's backside."

 

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand

across his head.

 

"You're right," he said, "it does!"

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A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was

determined to prove wrong the old saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally

figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he

died.

 

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to

fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to

the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he

passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

 

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the

attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with

cash. "Oh, that old

fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the

basement."

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The classic oldie:

 

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his

friend and kills him.

 

Wife says: "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."

 

--

 

The Scottish version:

 

Angus McKenzie comes home and finds his wife in bed with his friend. He

shoots his wife.

 

Later, at the pub, his friends ask him why he did that.

 

Angus "I can budget one bullet, but I got a lot more friends than I want

to buy bullets for!"

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An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas.

Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently

climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the

expedition came across a

set of large manlike tracks in the snow.

 

"Yeti tracks" the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them, "One

thing you must know before we proceed; Do not, under any circumstances,

touch the yeti."

 

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope.

Night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night

the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance un-zipping!

 

Half asleep, he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing

above him. In fear for his life, the explorer jumped up and ran out of

the tent, banging into the yeti in the process.

 

The yeti, after being touched by the explorer, let out a deafening howl

and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

 

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take

him. After he rounded a corner, he looked behind him to see the bounding

form of the yeti still chasing him.

 

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in

just two days. Exhausted, he paused to rest awhile. After just a few

moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti

feet on snow. He looked up the

slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

 

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles

away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedalling his way to

the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several

days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he checked into a

hotel to recuperate. Two days later, the man

left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon

as he turned around, though, he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon,

bounding towards him at great speed.

 

Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove

it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man

wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.

 

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his flat to

recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two

weeks when, gazing out of a window he saw a familiar, large, bounding,

manlike creature running down his

street; the man couldn't believe it: somehow the yeti had followed him

to England!

 

The man had little choice but to run away again, using any means he

could, bike, car and on foot to try to escape the yeti. But each time he

looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

 

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran

into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti

just kept getting closer and closer. In the end the man could run no

more.

 

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped

and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his

strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him.

 

The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man, who could only stare in

terror.

 

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The yeti extended his hand, poked the Englishman squarely in the chest

with one long finger and with a low, rumbling voice the yeti spoke: He said...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:

"Tag! You're it!"

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A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive

information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk

around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found

himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

 

"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."

 

"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a

village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the

baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name

is Murphy."

 

"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secret

code. "The sun is shining... the grass is growing... the cows are ready

for milking."

 

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy - he's in the

village

over the other direction."

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Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me

feet are freezing, mate, could ya nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

 

"No bother." answers Murphy. He runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two

stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat naked on their beds.

 

"Hello dere girls, your Da's sent me up here to make da love to ya both."

 

"Fook off you're a liar!"

 

"I'll prove it." Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs: " Both of

'em, Paddy?"

 

"Of course. What's the use of fookin one!"

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The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an

appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor

is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

 

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no

full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money

gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

 

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a

demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'

 

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

 

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

 

The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.'

 

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy

removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now

realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's

solicitor as a witness.

 

He starts to get nervous.

 

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you

six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and p!$$

into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere

in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees

again.

 

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he

strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on

the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's

desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major

loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in

his hands.

 

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me

he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come

in here and p!$$ all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about

it.'

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