Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[sassermaet]

A nurse goes into a bank, and goes to one of the tellers with the intention of cashing a cheque. She takes out her chequebook, pulls out a rectal thermometer, and attempts to write with it. Upon seeing what she's done, she says, "Oh, well that's just great. Some a**ehole's got my pen."

 

And to finish...Chav jokes!

 

1. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?.....Safe

 

2. Why are Chavs like slinkies?.....They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

 

3. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?.....One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

 

4.What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?.....What you lookin' at?

 

5. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?.....Paint three stripes on it.

 

6. Two Chavs in a car without any turd music. Who's driving?.....The Police.

 

7. What do you call a Chav with 9 GCSE's?..... A f**kin liar

 

8. What do you call a 30 year old Chavette?.....Granny

 

9. How many Chavs does it take to clean a floor?.....None, "That's some uvver fellers job innit."

 

10. Why did the Chav cross the road?.....To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever

 

11. Two Chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?.....Society

 

12. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?.....The bride

 

13. What do you say to a chav in a suit?....."Would the defendent please rise?"

 

14. Policeman: You're under arrest.....Chav: What the f*ck for?.....Policeman: Swearing at a police officer.

 

15. What do you call a chav waiting in a bus shelter?.....A party

 

16. What do you call a 20 year old chav?..... Ask her 7 year old son.

 

17. What do you do if you run a chav over?.....Put it into reverse just to make sure

 

18. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?.....Sorted

 

19. What do you call a Chav in a box?....innit

 

20. Y is it a shame when 2 chavs drive off a cliff in a car?.....Because a car holds 5

 

21. What do chavs use as protection during sex?.....A bus shelter!

 

22. Chav = CouncilHouseAndViolent

 

23. What do you say to a chav with a job?.....Can I have a big mac please

 

24. What do u call a knife in chaville?....Exhibit A

 

25. How many chavs does it take to change a light bulb?.....One, they'll screw anything

 

26. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?.....A start

 

27. What do you call a Chav at college?.....The cleaner!

[Malcolm]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had

never been married. She was admired by one and all for her sweetness

and kindness to all.

 

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him

into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she

prepared tea.

 

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister

noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled

with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

 

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The

pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its

strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no

longer resist.

 

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about

this?' pointing to the bowl.

 

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking

through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on

the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and

that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had

the flu all winter!!'

[Malcolm]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy

dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his

wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his

problem.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Sir,

 

 

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will

cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as

a Pirate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he

writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another

parcel and note:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Sir,

 

 

Sorry about the previous parcel Please find enclosed a monk's habit.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you

will really look the part.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has

gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald

head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days

later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying

letter:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Sir,

 

 

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

 

 

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick

your wooden leg up your backside and go as a toffee apple.

[Malcolm]

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - “Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve been farting all the time. It’s not really a problem socially because they don’t make any noise and don’t smell. I just can’t stop farting all the time. In fact, since I’ve been standing here I must have farted at least 20 times.â€

 

“No kidding…†says the doctor with a bit of an upturned nose. The doc says “I’ve got just the stuff.†and gives her some pills. “Here take these for 10 days, then return for a followup appointment.â€

 

So she takes the pills and returns 10 later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. “What kind of medicine is this? I’m still farting just as much! They still don’t make any noise, but now they stink terribly!â€

 

The doctor nodded, “Great, now that we’ve your sinuses cleared up, we’ll work on your hearing next!â€

[Malcolm]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her

students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

 

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd

grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should?be in the 3rd grade

too!"

 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the

principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would

give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to

go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed

to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should

know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to

the 3rd grade."

 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

 

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

 

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious

and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

 

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a

dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

 

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot

of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Better make

Harry Principal..... I got the last seven questions wrong."

[Malcolm]

A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her

troubles to a neighbor.

 

"I did everything all wrong again today," she said. "I talked too

loud...I used the wrong bait...I reeled in too soon...I caught more fish

than he did..."

[Malcolm]

Little Pauly's dad was a farmer. One day his Uncle Abner came to visit.

Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with

his young nephew, Little Pauly.

 

When Uncle Abner came into the bedroom, he saw Little Pauly kneeling at

the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's

religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled

at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

 

Little Pauly looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

 

"Why... The same thing you're doing," replied Uncle Abner.

 

"Ma's gonna be mad," said Little Pauly.

 

"Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Abner.

 

"Because the bed pan is on this side!"

[Malcolm]

A man was walking by the insane asylum when he heard a quiet voice from

behind the wall, "Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen".

 

He noticed a hole in the wall so he leaned over to look through the hole

to see what was going on. As soon as he looked, he got poked in the eye

with a finger. And the voice began again.

 

"Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

[sassermaet]

Why was the washing machine laughing?

 

It was taking the p*** out of the knickers.

[Malcolm]

Marine

 

An old man in some near future walks up to the marine guarding the White House and asks "Can I speak to President Bush?" The marine replies, "I'm sorry sir, Mr. Bush is no longer the president." "Uh, okay, that's fine" mutters the man as he moves away.

On the second day the old man approaches the same marine and asks the same question. Again, the marine tells him "I'm sorry sir, Mr. Bush is no longer the president." Again, the man thanks

him and walks off.

On the third day, the same man comes up to the marine and

again asks "Can I speak to President Bush?" This time, the marine--a tad miffed-- remarks, "Sir, I have told you two days in a row that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and I'll tell you that same thing every day you show up with that question." "Oh, oh, please excuse me son. I just love to hear the

answer." The marine then promptly stiffens, salutes and says "Sir, I'll see you here tomorrow."

[Malcolm]

Superbowl

 

A guy manages to save a thousand dollars for a nosebleed seat high up in the stands at theSuperbowl. Nearing the end of the first quarter, he notices an unoccupied seat in the front

row at midfield. Sliding down the aisle, he looks around and says to the older gentlemanin the adjacent seat "Hi, you know, since this fellow hasn't shown up, I'm going to sit here until he comes". "Oh", the older man says, "that's my

seat." "Sorry man", says the interloper, "I didn't mean to trespass." The older man replies "No problem. You can sit there." The young guy sits down just as the older man spontaneously offers "Actually, that's my wife's seat." Immediately, the young guy says "I'll be more than happy to move when she arrives". The older man sighs, then remarks, "She won't be coming. She died." "I'm very, very sorry for your loss, sir" the interloper remarks.

"I don't want to get in your business my friend," the guy says, "but, man, this is a six thousand dollar seat...I mean why didn't you sell it?" The gentleman slowly notes"Out of respect for my wife." "Deep respect, deep respect..." responds the squatter."But I've got to ask...I understand your profound loss and not wanting to sell the seat...but why didn't you give it to a relative?" "Oh, they all decided to go to the funeral."

[Malcolm]

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

 

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their

parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

 

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat

of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got

broken.

 

"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher.

 

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

 

"Very good," said the teacher.

 

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market.One day we had a dozen eggs,

but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this

story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

 

"That was a fine story Sarah."

 

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

 

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon

was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

 

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of

whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

 

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she

landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

 

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

 

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your

daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

 

"Stay the **** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking

[tlady]

^

[Malcolm]

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen

 

Two little old ladies had been very long-time close friends. But

being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own

respective religion.

 

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen,

so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old

friend.

 

When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.

Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like

it here?"

 

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and

the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the

best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

 

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

 

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge

of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom,

and then we sing Jewish songs."

 

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs.

Cohen."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

 

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that

she also had a boyfriend.

 

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

 

"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed.

I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

 

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

 

Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we have sex!.

[dorfus chucklepants]

A young woman goes into a pub, goes up to the barman and says

 

'Can I have a double entendre please?'

 

So he gave her one.