Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Guest Anonymous]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

 

When asked to define “great†he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!â€

 

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[Malcolm]

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. (so I'm told)

 

You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning

guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta

love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a

portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General

Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his

military headquarters.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young

boys when they visit your base?

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be

teaching children?

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline

before they even touch a firearm.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not

one, are you?

 

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[Malcolm]

Newsflash!!

 

Energiser Bunny Dies !

 

April 2, 2008 - The Energizer Bunny, known best for, "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming,... Foul play has not been ruled out.

[Malcolm]

A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of

hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly

instructed her young "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!"

 

After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now, Let us spray!"

[KOYAANISQATSI]

An Unst family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Pa?"

 

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

 

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

 

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your ma!"

[Malcolm]

Litle boy gets lost in a supermarket in Lerwick.

Security guard asks him "Whits da midder like?"

He replies "big d**** and Vodka!"

 

 

I'll get me coat :0(

[Malcolm]

Dave the Hen

 

 

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

 

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in m bedroom?'

 

The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

 

 

Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away.'

 

St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

 

 

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from hishouse,he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

 

 

 

'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

 

 

 

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'

 

 

 

'It's not so bad' replies Dave, but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've neverlaid an egg before?''Nev er!' replies Dave.

 

 

 

Well just relax and let it happen'

 

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness wasoverwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

 

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up you drunken b*****d, you've sh * t the bed.

[Malcolm]

The elderly couple

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind his very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and made love to you.'

 

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

 

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we n do it for old time's sake?'

 

'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.

 

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

 

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

 

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

 

The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.

 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them: "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Malcolm]

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking:

 

Dorothy:

"That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.?

I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

 

Edna:

"Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvellous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could

have just died from pleasure! "

 

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and had his way with me two times!"

 

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

 

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[Malcolm]

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

 

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

 

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

 

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

 

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

 

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick crap... How about yourself?'

 

The next thing i heard him say was ...... 'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some pillock in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'

[sassermaet]

Three country gentlemen who have never been anywhere in their lives find themselves in the city - in a lap dancing club.

 

The dancer on duty takes off her knickers and starts doing the rounds.

 

She reaches the first country gentleman. He takes a fiver from his wallet, licks it, and slaps it on her left cheek.

 

She reaches the second country gentleman. He takes a tenner from his wallet, licks it, and slaps it on her right cheek.

 

The third country gentleman hasn't a bean on him - so when she reaches him, he takes out his credit card, swipes it down the crack in her backside, and takes £15 cashback.

 

Boom boom.

[Malcolm]

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium roof."

Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese sandwiches again. If I get Ham & Cheese sandwiches one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his death..

Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and also jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"

Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the skinny, bint wearing oversized sun glasses and a trailer trash trucker baseball cap. "Hey, don't look at me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch."

[Malcolm]

Not a joke but it made me laugh .

 

A very self-important university student attending a recent rugby

match, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next

to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his

generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive

one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes,

space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars.

We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with dsl,

bsp; light-speed processing .....and, " pausing to take another drink of

beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,

"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were

young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little turd, what

are you doing for the next generation?"

 

The applause was resounding...

[Malcolm]

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of

our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get

all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat,

but please don't eat any of the other employees".

 

The cannibals promised they would not.

 

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, I'm

satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any

of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads

indicating "no".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,

"Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You

fool!!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Supervisors and

no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone

important!!!!"

[Malcolm]

A woman brings eight year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight year old daughter.

 

Johnny's mother says: "Let's not be too harsh on them. They are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

 

"Curious about sex?!" Replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"