Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Medziotojas]

When Leonard Nimoy was told he was to play the role of Mr Spock in Star Trek he couldn't believe his ears.

 

 

Incidentally, why does this BBC news story about Leonard Nimoy's play at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival have a photo of him as Mr Spock, when the article is of no relevance to Star Trek?

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/7436374.stm

[MaxFusion]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

 

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

 

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

 

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

 

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Malcolm]

People at work: The Policeman

 

http://seorant.ath.cx/police/ladybird.html

[Fifi]

^^ Hohohohohohoho.

[Malcolm]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

 

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

 

Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

 

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

 

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I needed hip replacement surgery."

[Malcolm]

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful

woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides

because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight

attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying

the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

 

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly

and it shows'.

 

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

 

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the

hearts of the world'.

 

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

 

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines

motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

 

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*** do you want?'

 

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

[breeksy]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

 

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

 

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!"

 

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'!!!"

[Malcolm]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and

things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

 

One woman lost it completely.

 

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'

she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on

earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me

feel like a WOMAN?'

 

For a moment, there was silence Everyone stared at the desperate woman

in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of

the plane.

 

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,

one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled

across his chest. She gasped...

 

Then, he spoke...

 

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

[Malcolm]

Not a joke but funny as hell!

 

 

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

 

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

 

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

 

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is

called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are

married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers

'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

 

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with

(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same =

three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

 

The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the

funniest thing you've heard yet.

 

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

 

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

 

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

 

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if

you win.

 

What is your name? First only please.'

 

Contestant: 'Brian.'

 

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

 

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

 

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

 

Brian: 'Sara.'

 

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

 

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

 

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

 

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

 

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

 

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

 

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

 

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

 

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

 

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

 

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said

that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

 

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

 

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this = morning?

 

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

 

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

 

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us

for couple of weeks...'

 

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

 

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

 

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

 

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

 

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred

times I've done it.

 

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and

call her up.

 

You listen to this.'

 

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch

 

tones.....ringing....)

 

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

 

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

 

Clerk: 'This is she.'

 

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and

I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

 

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

 

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to

give any answers away or you'll lose.

 

Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

 

Sarah: 'No.'

 

DJ: 'Good!'

 

Brian: (laughing)

 

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

 

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be

completely honest.'

 

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If

your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to

the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

 

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

 

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

 

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

 

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

 

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

 

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

 

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his

manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away

from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

 

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

 

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

 

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

 

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

 

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

 

Sarah: 'Well...'

 

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

 

Sarah: 'Up the a***.....'

 

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have

a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.

 

Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police

just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

[ArabiaTerra]

^^^^^^ Urban myth I think ^^^^^^

 

And the source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zqa_lMO36U

[Malcolm]

^^ ^^ Hence I started it with "Not a joke but funny as hell! "

[north]

Forget the urban myth one - here's the real thing!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_pmbJpltP4

[Njugle]

Please remember that bairns may read this as well as adults, please try to keep it relatively clean so we don't have to delete stuff, funny or not.

As for links, here and elsewhere, please advise if they are suitable or not for bairns.

 

Thank you.

[johnny-no-name]

Whats a mixed feeling????

 

 

 

Watching your mother-in-law driving over a cliff in your brand new jaguar

[Malcolm]

Stevie Wonder had just finished a sell-out concert in Japan and after

the applause has died down he asks the crowd if there's anything they'd

like him to play.

 

This little Japanese fella at the front is jumping up and down, shouting and waving his arms like a madman and Stevie asks him what he'd like him to play.

 

The Jap shouts "Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord" so Stevie belts out a 2 minute solo in F minor on his piano and gets the crowd rocking.

 

"No, No" he shouts "play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

 

A little bit bemused, Stevie does a 3 minute impromptu in A major and the crowd is in raptures.

 

The little fella shouts "No, No, I want you to play a jazz chord".

 

Stevie gives in and says "how does that go then?" To which he replies...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

{In your best Japanese accent}

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"