Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

 

 

 

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

 

 

 

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

 

 

 

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

 

 

 

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

 

 

 

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

 

 

 

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

 

 

 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

 

 

 

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

 

 

 

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

[clanchief]

^^^^^

 

Same joke as two jokes up so no need for stringing this out.

 

Except it was a Cliff Richard Concert......

 

Japanese fan shouts request for "Tits an Fanny".....

 

Cliff shocked, religious etc etc ( you fill in the next few lines)

 

Eventually Cliff realise that the song is "Its so funny, you don't call anymore"

[Malcolm]

Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor. "The

one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this... will the people follow you?

What do you think, comrade Stalin?" "They will," says Stalin, "they surely

will." "I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?" "No

problem," says Stalin. "Then, they will follow you."

[Malcolm]

TEACHER ARRESTED.

 

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F Kennedy International

Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a

protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

 

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the

man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the

man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math

instruction.

 

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They desire

solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a

search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and

refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a

common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every

country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides

to every triangle."

 

When asked to comment on the arrest, President George W. Bush said, "If God

had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have

given us more fingers and toes."

 

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent

or profound statement by the President.

[Malcolm]

A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He

told his playmate I'll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery.

 

On the day he was admitted his mother asked if the doctor would please

circumcise the boy, since he's already going to be under anaesthesia.

 

The boy woke up and was very sore "down there" for several days. About a

week later he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that

he, too, was also going to have to have his tonsils out. He asked the boy

to tell him about the surgery.

 

The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you

think they are."

[Malcolm]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible

sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and

was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was

in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,

electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

 

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do

for him, Doctor'?

 

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll

keep the sheets off his legs.'

[Malcolm]

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

 

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

 

Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to InZid, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Aussie accint.'

'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take 50 suits at $10.00 each, 100 shirts at $4.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $5.00 each. I'll back up my truck and...'

 

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'

 

'Well... yes,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know that?'

 

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners’.

[Malcolm]

Men are just happier!, simple observations on life

 

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,

Kate and Sarah .

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other

as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

 

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even

though it's only for £32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they

want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving

cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,

answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite

foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[Malcolm]

Q. Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

 

A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

 

 

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

 

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

 

 

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

 

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's a** all the way to Egypt.'

 

 

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?

 

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

 

 

Q: What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

 

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

 

 

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?

 

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

 

 

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

 

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

 

 

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

 

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

 

 

Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses?

 

A: On their foreheads.

 

 

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they

enter antique stores?

 

A: "I remember these.'

[Colin]

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in

Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed

to all the people sitting at the bar, and asked,

 

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

 

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the

end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter

and bellowed,

 

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

 

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.

 

She turned to the patrons, and again pointed around at all of them,

revealing the same very hairy armpit, and asked,

 

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

 

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and

said,

 

"Give the ballerina another drink!"

 

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, *"Tell me, Paddy,

it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you

keep calling her a ballerina?"

 

The drunk replied,

 

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high... has got to be a

ballerina!"

--

[Medziotojas]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

 

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

 

 

 

 

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

[sassermaet]

Stop me if you've heard this before.

 

A cow and a snail are standing in a field in the middle of summer, talking together. The cow is the only inhabitant in her field, the one next to it is empty. When the conversation runs dry, the snail looks to the next field and says, "You know, I think I might go and build a snowman in that there field."

 

The cow says, "But it's the middle of summer,"

 

"Ah," the snail observes, "but it'll be winter by the time I get there..."

[Medziotojas]

^Reminds me of this one:

 

There's a bloke watching TV, and he hears a knock at the door. When he answers, there's no one to be seen! Just as he's about to close the door, he hears a small voice say "Excuse me sir, could I interest you in a set of encyclopaedias?" He looks down and sees a snail on his doorstep. Angered at being dragged away from the Old Firm match on the tube by a snail selling encyclopaedias, he kicks the poor snail off his front steps and into the garden, before returning inside. Six months later, there's a knock at the door. When he answers, there's no one there again. He looks down and sees the snail, who looks up at him and says "What did you do that for?"

[Malcolm]

SUCCESS THROUGH THE AGES

At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.

At age 12, success is... having friends.

At age 17, success is... having a driver's license.

At age 20, success is... having sex.

At age 35, success is... having money.

At age 50, success is... having money.

At age 60, success is... having sex.

At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is... having friends.

At age 90, success is... not peeing in your pants

[Malcolm]

I read an article today about drinking. I must say it scared the s**t outa me!

 

So much so that I have made a life altering decision...........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I aint reading ever again!