Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

CURTAIN RODS----PRICELESS

 

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and

suitcases.

 

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

 

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful

dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,

and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of

spring-water.

 

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a

few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the

curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

 

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the

first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

 

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air

fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set

off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and

in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!!!

 

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

 

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could

not find a buyer for their stinky house.

 

 

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return

their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the

bank to purchase a new place.

 

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

 

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and

said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to

reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

 

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a

price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only

if she were to sign the papers that very day.

 

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

 

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched

the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. And to

spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

 

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[Malcolm]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a

woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are

all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No. I work for a condom company.

These are customer complaints.

[Malcolm]

A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer were traveling from Chicago to Los Angeles

when their car broke down late one night in Kansas. They walked to the

nearest farm house and explained their situation to the farmer who answered

the door.

 

"Ya'll be welcome to spend the night here if you want", the farmer said.

"The only problem is I only have room for two. One of you will have to

sleep in the barn." "I will," exclaimed the Jew, and with that the men went

to retire. A short time later came a knock at the door. It was the Jew.

 

"I'm sorry", the Jew said, "but I can't sleep in the barn. There's a pig in

there, and my religion forbids me to sleep in the same room as a pig."

 

"Then I will go sleep in the barn" exclaimed the Hindu, and once more the

men went to retire. Soon there came another knock at the door. It was the

Hindu.

 

"I am very sorry", the Hindu said, "but I cannot sleep in the barn either.

There is a cow in there, and my religion forbids me to sleep in the same

room as a cow."

 

"Oh, for gosh sakes!", the lawyer cried. I'll go sleep in the damn barn!"

and once again the men went to retire. A few minutes later there came yet

another knock at the door. It was the cow and the pig...

[Malcolm]

John was on his way home and he noticed a banner on a shop window said "Red Lobster Tail - only £1"

 

Wow! he exclaimed to himself.

 

Without hesitating, he made his way inside the shop.

 

"Excuse me" he asked the cashier. "Is the red lobster tail really for £1?

 

"Yes it is, would you like to order one?"

 

"Yes, but is the red lobster big?"

 

"Yes sir, it is really really big."

 

"Is it fresh?"John asked suspiciously still wondering why it was so cheap.

 

"Yes, it is very very fresh, caught just this morning."

 

"OK, I'll take it"

 

He gave the cash to the cashier and sat down at a table nearby, expecting to see a delicious dish of red lobster but instead the manager brought over a book...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Once a upon a time, there was a big red lobster swimming....."

[Malcolm]

A man walks into a bar with a duck under one arm and a biscuit tin under the other.

 

He places the duck on the biscuit tin and the duck starts to dance.

 

The barman is amazed and says "Wow, how much for the dancing duck?".

 

A deal is agreed and the man leaves.

 

The next day he returns to the pub and the barman ask how he can stop the duck from dancing on the biscuit tin.

 

The man replies... "Easy, just open the tin and blow the candles out"

[Malcolm]

This is funny

 

 

 

 

Lizard Birth

 

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet

syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story

below will have you laughing out LOUD!

 

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

 

Here's what happened:

 

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was

'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

 

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad .

Can you help?'

 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into

his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,

looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

 

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

 

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

 

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

 

I was equally outraged.

 

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to

reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

 

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she

inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

 

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most

loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

 

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

 

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she

informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

 

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I

shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

 

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're

about to witness the miracle of birth..'

 

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

 

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of

tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

 

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny

foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

 

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

 

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

 

'Do something, Dad !' my son urged.

 

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it

next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several

more times with the same results.

 

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

 

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here

with the females in my house?)

 

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.. We drove to the vet with

my son holding the cage in his lap.

 

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

 

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can

be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,

but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little

animal through a magnifying glass.

 

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

 

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak

to you privately for a moment?'

 

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

 

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

 

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor.. In

fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see,

Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,

like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he

did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

 

We were silent, absorbing this.

 

'So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

 

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.

And then even laugh loudly.

 

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman

I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

 

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . . I'm picturing

you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . ' She gasped for more

air to bellow in laughter once more.

 

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the

lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going

to be okay.

 

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad ,' he told me.

 

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

 

Two lizards: $140.

 

One cage: $50.

 

Trip to the vet: $30.

 

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

 

Priceless!

 

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

 

Lizards lay eggs!

[Malcolm]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was

better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly

God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

 

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to

set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those

results, I will judge who does the better job.'

 

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

 

They moused.

 

They faxed.

 

They e-mailed.

 

They e-mailed with attachments.

 

They downloaded.

 

They did spreadsheets!

 

They wrote reports.

 

They created labels and cards.

 

They created charts and graphs.

 

They did some genealogy reports

 

They did every job known to man.

 

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

 

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly

flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the

power went off..

 

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word

known in the underworld.

 

Jesus just sighed.

 

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted

their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

 

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power

went out!'

 

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files

from the past two hours of work..

 

Satan observed this and became irate.

 

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he

has all his work and I don't have any?'

 

God just shrugged and said,

 

JESUS SAVES

[Malcolm]

Jesus saves!

 

 

Bet he couldn't with my income!

[Malcolm]

Understanding Engineers - One

 

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,

"Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

 

 

Understanding Engineers - Two

 

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

 

Understanding Engineers - Three

 

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

 

Understanding Engineers - Four

 

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

 

 

Understanding Engineers - Five

 

The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

 

Understanding Engineers - Six

 

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.

Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

 

Understanding Engineers - Seven

 

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

Understanding Engineers - Eight

 

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Fifi]

^^ Heheh. Passed on to student engineer son.

[Malcolm]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

 

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

 

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

 

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

 

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't

mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

 

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's

pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you

doing round this way?'

 

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.

'I'm a plasterer.'

 

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn

more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his

bag and proceeds to read it.

 

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids

the barman good day and leaves.

 

The same thing happens for two weeks.

 

Then one day the circus comes to town.

 

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to

him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that

could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats

sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

 

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business

card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey

Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really

good money.'

 

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

 

'At the circus,' says the barman.

 

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

 

'That's right,' replies the barman.

 

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

 

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

 

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in

caravans?' says the duck.

 

'Of course,' the barman replies.

 

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in

the middle?' persists the duck.

 

'That's right!' says the barman.

 

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

'What the heck would they want with a plasterer??!'

[Malcolm]

After seeing himself going to seed Prince Charles decided to take up late evening jogging.Problem was his route took him past a young prostitute who yelled out £150 every time he passed.

Getting annoyed by this he started calling back "£5" to the prostitutes disgust.

After several weeks Camilla decided to join him on the run, he was ok with it until he remembered the Lady-of-the-night. As they got closer he winced but was surprised when she yelled.......

 

 

See, that's what you get for a Fiver !

[Marooned in Maywick]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Shetlander".

 

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Shetland crofter. Suddenly the old man flipped back his oilskins, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Shetlander was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

 

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Shetlander". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Shetlander stood before them, then suddenly flipped back his oilskin breeks and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the old Shetlander. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Weel, du sees," said the Shetlander, "Me eyes ir no whit day used tae be!"

[Roachmill]

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

 

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

 

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an sphincter.

 

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

 

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 

5. Bozone(n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

 

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.

 

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.

 

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

 

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

 

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

 

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

 

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

 

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

 

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

 

1. Coffee,n. The person upon whom one coughs.

 

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

 

3. Abdicate v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

 

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

 

6. Negligent adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

 

7. Lymph v. To walk with a lisp.

 

8. Gargoyle n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

 

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

 

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

 

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

 

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

 

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

 

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

 

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[Malcolm]

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family

and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you

say to her? "

 

Mike replies : Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee. The teacher says: That

would be very rude and improper on your part.

 

Johnny replied : I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a

minute. The teacher says : That's much better but to mention the word

"toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant.

 

And Charlie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go

shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to

you after dinner. "