Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

Only Americans ........

 

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:

 

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his

upturned face, "without you, we are but dust..."

 

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl

(who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite

audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

 

"Mommy, what is butt dust?"

 

Church was pretty much over at that point...

[Malcolm]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore

the city on his own. He wanders around, drinks some Guinness, and, after a

while finds himself in a very high-class area with big residences but no

pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

 

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds

a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings

and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

 

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who

says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

 

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE

TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

 

"Ah, yes,"said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back

"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there,"

points the Bobbie.

 

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has

ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,

and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the

cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

 

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really

decent of you. Is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

 

"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[Malcolm]

A Russian pilot is shot down in a spy plane over Alaska. He is captured by

the US Army and locked up for interrogation.

 

US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the Mig-29 fighter!"

 

Russian pilot: "I don't know."

 

He is beaten up, then he's interrogated again...

 

US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the Mig-29 fighter!"

 

Russian pilot: "I have no idea about anything, I swear!"

 

He is beaten up again, then again and again, and finally the Americans get

tired of interrogating him, so they let him go back to Russia.

 

In Russia, when he first meets his pilot comrades, he tells them:

"Comrades, learn the Mig-29 plans well, 'cause the Americans almost had me

killed for not knowing them!"

[ArabiaTerra]

http://www.independent.co.uk/environment/green-living/no-words-.htmlssary-the-cartoonists-tackle-climate-change-859017.html?action=Popup&ino=1

[Malcolm]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

MAN: "Hello"

 

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

 

MAN: "Yes"

 

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's

 

only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

 

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 Models. I saw one I really liked."

 

MAN: "How much?"

 

WOMAN: "$90,000"

 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

 

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

 

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Malcolm]

I was sitting on a park bench watching the world pass by,when to my total astonishment....A guy walked by with a lettuce on the end of a dog lead..

In the name of Sanity,why have you got that lettuce on the end of that lead...I asked...

Lettuce ??? lettuce ?? he muttered..looked stunned and said....Blinkin pet shop told me it was a Colly

[Malcolm]

The Doctor said, 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

 

'Okay then,' Larry said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing

the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been

bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

 

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell

laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to

his feet and regain his composure

 

'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came

over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't

happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

 

'It's swollen,' Larry replied.

[Malcolm]

In the Chinese Olympic venue,The Bids Nest Stadium..is there a problem with the location of the lighting..

 

 

 

I only ask because most of the crowd seem to be sqinting

[Malcolm]

Theres a new doll being released on the market...

Its got no shoes...

Its got no clothes..

Its got no mobile phone..

Its got no House..

Its got no Horse..

Its go no Farm...

 

 

Its being called...Zimbarbie

[Malcolm]

A letter from Summer Camp.

 

Dear Mom & Dad,

 

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

 

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

 

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

 

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

 

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.

Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

 

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

 

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

 

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

 

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

 

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

 

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

 

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

 

Love, Jimmie

[ArabiaTerra]

(Say out loud)

 

Osama bin Laden’s been arrested in Wales for bestiality. But ’e says they’re Islams and ’e’ll do what ’e likes with ’em.

[aa]

I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.

 

After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

 

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Blacksmith's Arms with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer.

 

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.

 

So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

 

I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Blacksmith's Arms and have a drink with me?"

 

A little voice came out of the box:...........................................

 

 

 

 

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on."

[Hobbiniho]

i heard that garry glitter tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge

 

coastguard managed to rescue him after a short search

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

they found him bobbing up and down clinging onto a bouy

[Colin]

found him bobbing up and down clinging onto a bouy

 

Game to the last....

[aa]

This bloke is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

 

"What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary-Ellen written on it," she replies.

 

"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

 

She seems satisfied, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he says, "What the heck was that for?"

 

"Your horse phoned."