Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[tlady]

Wakey wakey Malcolm

 

look 2 jokes above xx

[Malcolm]

^^ ^^ Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!

 

 

Ermm Ummm ohh It's twice as good as other jokes

[Zog]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

 

 

 

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

 

The driver,

a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,

pulls over and gets out to see

what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

 

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway

sees a man crying on the side of the road

and pulls over.

 

She steps out of the car and asks the man

what's wrong.

 

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,

"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

 

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

 

She runs to her car

and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny ,

bends down,

and sprays the contents onto him.

 

The Easter Bunny jumps up,

waves its paw at the two of them

and hops off down the road.

 

Ten feet away he stops,

turns around and waves again,

 

he hops down the road another 10 feet,

turns and waves,

 

hops another ten feet,

turns and waves,

 

and repeats this again and again and again and again,

until he hops out of sight.

 

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,

 

"What is in that can?

What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

 

The woman turns the can around

so that the man can read the label.

 

It says..

 

 

 

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

 

(Last chance)

 

 

(OK, here it is)

 

 

It says,

 

 

"Hair Spray

Restores life to dead hair,

and adds permanent wave."

 

Happy Easter

[Zog]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

 

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

 

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

 

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

 

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'you-know-what' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn breathalyzer test again!!!'

 

.....................................

[Para Handy]

When people buy a dog, they usually name him something like Rover or Bowser.

 

Well I chose to name my dog "Sex".

 

But lately Sex has been a little embarassing to me.

 

I remember one day I took Sex to City Hall to get a license for him.

 

I went up to the clerk and said "I would like to have a license for Sex".

 

He said he would like to have one too.

 

I said "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old".

 

He said I must have been quite a kid.

 

Last year they were auditioning dogs for a commercial on dog food.

 

I took Sex to the studio to see if he would get the part.

 

But suddenly Sex started to run off around the studio.

 

I went after him, but the crew manager grabbed my arm and asked what I was doing there.

 

I told him I was hoping to have Sex on TV.

 

He called me a showoff.

 

One day Sex ran out on me in the middle of the night.

 

I went around the neighbourhood looking for him.

 

A cop came and asked what I was doing.

 

I told him I was looking for Sex.

 

My case comes up this Friday...

[Para Handy]

Mr. Jones says the burglar was cruising through one of our posh suburbs looking for a target of opportunity.

 

At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit.

 

All the gear had to cost thousands of dollars.

 

He made a mental note and went on his way.

 

The next day he was back in the same neighborhood.

 

When he drove past the house with all the goodies, he saw an elderly couple loading suitcases into the trunk of their car.

 

He could hardly wait.

 

That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house.

 

He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in.

 

It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal.

 

"I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said.

 

The burglar froze in his tracks.

 

"I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again.

 

When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shinned it in the direction of the voice.

 

All he saw was a parrot on its perch.

 

"I see you and Jesus sees you."

 

The burglar laughed.

 

"Just a dumb bird," he said.

 

The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp, and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch.

 

"Sic him, Jesus!" the parrot said.

[Para Handy]

Bud's dog had been jumping around all day and looking good; then suddenly passed out.

 

Bud grabbed the dog and headed for the Vet.

 

The Vet examined the dog and exclaimed, "this dog is dead!".

 

Bud said,"Your crazy! That dog is only two years old and has always been healthy"

 

The Vet said, "Well, I'll try again".

 

After looking over the dog for the second time he confirmed his diagnoses.

 

"The dog is dead."

 

Bud couldn't accept this, so the Vet said he could try *one* other thing.

 

He went to the back room and came back with a cat.

 

He laid the cat on the dog and the cat started biting and scratching the dog... jumping from one end of the dog to the other.

 

No response!

 

The Vet said, "that dog is dead."

 

Finally, Bud said "I guess your right,...how much do I owe you?".

 

The Vet said,"$325.00."

 

"Why so much?", asked Bud.

 

The Vet said,"$25.00 for the Exam..... and $300 for the Cat scan."

[Para Handy]

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg.

 

He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.

 

A passer- by who'd seen everything remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."

 

"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."

[Para Handy]

THE OFFICIAL BLONDES SEX QUIZ.

Answer TRUE or FALSE to each question.

1. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit in Colorado.

2. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.

3. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.

4. The G-string is part of a violin.

5. Anus is the latin word for yearly.

6. Testicles are found on an octopus.

7. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryon, Texas.

8. Fetus is a charactor in "Gunsmoke".

9. An unbilical chord is part of a parachute.

10. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry.

11. A lesbian is a person from the middle east.

12. Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass.

13. Genitals are people of non-jewish origins.

4. Douche is the Italian word for twelve.

15. An enema is someone who is not your friend.

16. Scrotum is a small moon orbiting Uranus.

17. Climax is a weather balloon.

18. Condom is a small apartment complex.

19. Homo is pasturized milk from Nebraska.

20. Menopause is a button on the VHS remote control.

[Para Handy]

1- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

2- A man's house is his hassle.

3- Age isn't important unless you're cheese.

4- Cole's law- thinly sliced cabbage.

5- Courage is fear that said its prayers.

6- Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

7- Do it today, tomorrow it will be bad for your health or illegal!

8- Does your back go out more than you do?

9- Eat yogurt and get culture.

10-Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.

11-Happiness is wanting what you have.

12-If your feet smell and your nose runs, you were built upside down. 13-Lawyers work in their briefs

14-If you see an onion ring---answer it.

15-Talk is cheap unless you hire a lawyer.

16-The cost of feathers is higher, that makes down up.

17-When you get what you want you don't want it as much.

18-An optimist laughs to forget..A pessimist forgets to laugh.

[GypsyScy]

DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE

 

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my

pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

______________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some

whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I

met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

_______________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle

boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to

join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful

time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain

invited me to have the dinner with him in his state room. We had a

luxurious meal completes with caviar and champagne. He asked me To stay

the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I Could be

unfaithful to my husband.

____________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided

to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain

saw me and bought me a couple of drinks.

He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for

the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have

his way with me he would sink the ship.

I was appalled.

_____________

DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today. Twice

[GypsyScy]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

 

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

 

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

 

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

 

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

 

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[Fastener]

A large and very loud American goes into a bar in Glasgow .

>

> "I hear tell all you Scotch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big

> booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the other, and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."

>

> No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!

>

> "Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says disgustedly. A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey Big Man, is that bet still on?"

>

> "Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky.

>

> The man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American.

>

> The American of course tries to do it as well, but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the $500.

>

> "Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!) came back in

> again."

>

> "Eh? oh aye" says the Glasgow man pocketing the bills,

>

> "Ah went tae the pub across the road, just tae make sure ah could dae it!"

[Malcolm]

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

 

Patient: I can't pronounce "f"s or "th"s

 

Doctor: Well, you can't say fairer than that, then

[Malcolm]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

 

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

>

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

 

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

 

'You have no arms!'

 

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!'

 

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

 

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

 

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

 

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

 

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

 

'Bishop, who was this man?'.

 

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,

 

'BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'

 

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

 

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.

 

I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

 

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

 

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

 

'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

 

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'

 

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.