Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Ghostrider]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

 

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

 

"Yes, Father, it is."

 

"And who was the girl you were with?"

 

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

 

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

 

"Was it Tina Minetti?"

 

"I cannot say."

 

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

 

"I'll never tell."

 

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

 

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

 

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

 

"My lips are sealed."

 

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

 

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

 

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.

 

But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

 

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

 

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

[Malcolm]

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra.

 

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

 

"Why not?' asked the man.

 

"Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

 

"But I need it really bad,' said the man.

 

"Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

 

The man said,

 

"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday;

 

My ex-wife will be here on Saturday;

 

and my wife is coming home on Sunday.

 

Can't you see?

 

I must have a double dose."

 

The doctor finally relented saying,

 

"Okay, I'll give it to you,but you have to come in Monday morning

so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

 

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.

 

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

 

The man said,

 

"No one showed up."

[Malcolm]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

 

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you.

Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up ,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma 'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

 

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

[Malcolm]

OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs

and make love,' and you answer,

'Pick one; I can't do both!'

 

'OLD' IS WHEN.... Your friends compliment you

on your new alligator shoes

and you're barefoot.

 

'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe catches your fancy

and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

 

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless

pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

 

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes,

just as long as you don't have to go along.

 

'OLD' IS WHEN.... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

 

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action'

means you don't need to take any fibre today.

 

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car

in the parking lot.

 

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up

to use the bathroom.

 

AND

 

'OLD' IS WHEN... You are not sure these are jokes?

[Malcolm]

A man goes to the Doctors and when his friend asked how he got on he said "I am very worried - the Doc says I have got the Big C."

"Oh dear," says his friend, "not Cancer is it ?"

"No," he replied, "it's Dyslexia."

[Malcolm]

Original Lyrics of Stevie Wonder's New Song

 

 

........ .. ... ... .. ......

.. . . ... . . .. . .. .. . .. .... .. .. . ... ..

... ... .. .... ... ... ..... .... ...... .. .. ... .. ..... .. ..

.. . . ... .. . . ..

... . .... ... ..... .... .

...... .... ..... .... ..... ...... ..... . . ... ...

. .. .

. . .. . . .

....... ... ... ... .. .... ....... ... .. .. ... . .... ....

. .. .. .

.. ....

.. . . . . . .. .. ... ..

.. .... .. ... ... .......... ...... .....

 

 

Deep stuff, hey?

I cried when he said ".. ."

[Malcolm]

A friend sent me this, talk about laugh!

 

 

This was told to me by someone on Facebook - It's cute and funny

 

 

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

 

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,

but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade

classroom a few years back.

 

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions

with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,

show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model

airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,

ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it

in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

 

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,

takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow

stuffed under her sweater.

 

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,

and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

 

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put

a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine

months through an umbrella cord.'

 

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to

laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her

in amazement.

 

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked

around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing

a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

 

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't

have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie

down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the

wall.)

 

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case

he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like

psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming

water flowing away. It was too much!)

 

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.

They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a

sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they

all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a

lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him

for crawling up in there.'

 

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it's

show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle

Wife' comes along.

[Guest Anonymous]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'Well,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are moaning and screaming. Finally they both collapse, panting, upon the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying there recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back in order. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So,as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, but manages 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[sheepshagger]

Lancashire council decided to hire 4 canibals as part of their ethnic diversity policy, the personel officer welcomed them to the roads department and informed them of their wages pensions and other benifits.

"the only other thing" he said was "don't eat any of the other employees please"

"No worries" said the canibals "we wont"

Things were going along just fine and after their first month the personel officer came to see how they were getting on, and let them know they were going to be kept on permanently.

Before he left them he said " there is just one thing, one of our road sweepers has gone missing you haven't seen him have you"

The canibals assured him they had no idea where there road sweeper was.

After the PO left the head canibal turned to the others and said "OK who eat the road sweeper?"

one of them raised his hand "I did"

"Well bloody hell you just had to eat a road sweeper didn't you, we've been eating traffic management engineers for 4 weeks now and nobody noticed a bloody thing but you have to go and eat somebody useful"

[Roachmill]

^Wow, a personal attack dressed up as a joke. Well done

[Lapse Rate]

^^^^^^^^ One of the best things I've ever read on shetlink.

[Evil Inky]

^Wow, a personal attack dressed up as a joke. Well done

You'd think with the money he earns he could afford to buy a decent spell-checker

[Roachmill]

^Or pay someone to do it for him. Maybe he's a bit tight?

[Malcolm]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old

man walking with his legs spread apart. Hewas stiff-legged and walking

slowly.

 

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry

Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

 

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has

Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we

learned in class."

 

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They

approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical

students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't

agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

 

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two

fine medical students think."

 

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought........ But you are wrong."

 

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

 

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

 

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS....... But I was wrong, too!"

[Malcolm]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to break wind.

 

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my outbursts with the beat.

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.