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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer, they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.


Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.


After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices"?


He hadn't and said so.


Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."


Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.


"Well, is she selling drugs"? She asked excitedly."


No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then"? His wife fairly shrieked.


The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."


"Batteries"? Cried the wife


"Yes," he replied.





"Sally sells C cells by the seashore."

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Third Graders


Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid are

In the playground at recess.


One of them suggests that they play a new game.


"Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.


"Okay." They all agree.


The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.


"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is a couple

Of inches longer.


Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far the



That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him

What he did at school today.


"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud

From a new book...and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the

Largest weenie."


"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.


"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the

Biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Redneck. Is that true



Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three

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A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon,everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly sitting in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence

So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"

"Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't."

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"

"Don't doubt it for a minute."

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity??"

"Yep", was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.


More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68 years."

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a

business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first

thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the

side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all

clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect

order, Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring

back athim in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping I Loveyou!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...

what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am , drunk and out of your mind.

You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye

when you ran into the door.""So, why is everything in such perfect order,

so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the

bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

"Leave mealone,b*tch, I'm married!!!".


Broken table - £200

Hot breakfast - £4

Red Rose bud - £3

Two aspirins - £0.25

Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless

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Subject: : Medical distinctions


We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

But do you really know the difference between them?





In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed







GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:


"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"






BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of

perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the

butt and having the balls to say:


"You're next."






I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both

ultimately result in death.

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Home Late




The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home no later than midnight, "I promise!"




Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m, drunk to the gills, I cabbed home.




Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.




The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!




Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."




When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh turd," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

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Gordon's Song.




Or The Tax Man Cometh


Tax his land,

Tax his wage,

Tax his bed in which he lays.

Tax his tractor,

Tax his mule,

Teach him taxes is the rule.

Tax his cow,

Tax his goat,

Tax his pants,

Tax his coat.


Tax his ties,

Tax his shirts,

Tax his work,

Tax his dirt.


Tax his tobacco,

Tax his drink,

Tax him if he tries to think.


Tax his booze,

Tax his beers,

If he cries,

Tax his tears.


Tax his bills,

Tax his gas,

Tax his notes,

Tax his cash.


Tax him good and let him know

That after taxes, he has no dough.


If he hollers,

Tax him more,

Tax him until he's good and sore.


Tax his coffin,

Tax his grave,

Tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his tomb,

"Taxes drove me to my doom!"


And when he's gone,

We won't relax,

We'll still be after the INHERITANCE TAX!!






COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago

And there was prosperity, absolutely no national debt, the largest

middle class in the world and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.


What happened????

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Try to stay calm when you read this - and maybe ask someone to

accompany you home.






This story happened about a year or two ago near Aughrim Co.

Galway (Ireland), and even though it may sound like something out of the

X Files or from Alfred Hitchcock Presents... its real!




This guy drives from Ballinasloe to Kilreekill and decides not

to take the new A road, as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable

happens and when he reaches the outskirts his car breaks down - he's

stranded miles from anywhere.




Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road,

hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation.




It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering.






The night rolls on and no car goes by, the rains are so strong

he can barely see a few feet ahead of him.




Suddenly in the distance he sees the headlights of a car coming

towards him and it slows and then stops next to him - without thinking

the guy opens the car's door and jumps in.






Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had

saved him, when he realises there is nobody behind the wheel!!!






Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any

engine, the car starts moving slowly.




The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming

(remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep, steep drop beyond

the curve).




Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for

his life.




He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve,

a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the

curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend.




The guy, now paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears

every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just

enough to get the car around each bend.




Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he

wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out

and runs as hard and fast as he can towards the lights.




It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside bar,

which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some Whisky and give him

a shot.




And he starts telling whoever will listen about the horrible

experience he's just been through.




A silence envelops everybody when they realise the guy isn't

drunk, and Is really frightened - he's crying and shaking.




So they give him more booze and talk about what they should do,

whether to call the police or find a priest, or what.




But just then two strangers walked into the bar. And one says to

the other,




..... "Look, that's the eejit that got in the car when

we were pushing it."

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I dont know if you ve heard this one but I nicked it from another forum...



A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead. Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already. Gordon said, "OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway. The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?" Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off." To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!" But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead."


A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!" Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!! Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.


The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the turd out of me!"


The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a Hearse. for the last 25 years

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From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping

while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place..


On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself

staring at her husband who was standing idly by.


The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head

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Bertha was very depressed. Her husband of 50 years had just commited suicide the day before. She decided that she would join her husband by killing herself. The only problem was, she had to think of where to shoot herself so it would end up killing her.


Bertha drove over to her doctor's office and asked him where your heart is. He told her right below the left breast, so she went home.


Bertha grabbed her husband's gun and shot her left knee

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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.


Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"


"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.


But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".


"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,


(scroll down)













































"but his face rings a bell"




WAIT! WAIT! There's more…


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."


The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.


"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."
























( . . . Wait for it . . .. )




















( .. . . It's worth it . . ..)























He's a dead ringer for his brother.

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Two preists go for a shower , when they're naked in the shower father john notices there's no soap so he goes back to his room for two bars , not bothering to get dressed , as he returns he meets 3 nums in the hallway so he pretends to be a statue. The nums comment on how lifelike he looks and one pulls on his manhood , startled he drops a bar of soap " Oh its a soap dispenser" says one of the nuns , Second nun pulls his manhood and he drops another bar , Third nun keeps on tugging and exclaimes "Sweet Jesus , hand lotion too !!!" :lol:

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