Work related anecdotes

[penfold]

Any funny tales from your place of work? lets hear them. I'll start the ball rolling,

 

Whilst sitting in as a witness for a workmates disciplinary hearing, I was amused when the manager from sooth sternly asked the question of my workmate so mr x "when did you realise you were late for work?" to which mr x replied without betraying any emotion "duh, well when I woke up ", took me all my time to stop myself from rolling around on the floor gaffing

[JustMe]

Only one. Comes from way back when I saw an application form from a young lad wanting a job with the company I worked for at the time. Straightforward until we got to the "reason for leaving last job" question where the lad had answered "now more work". Still sometimes wonder if he meant it.

[Colin]

Many years ago I was a union repand had to attend quite a few disciplinaries. Most were fairly boring but one or two were priceless.

 

Best of the lot was when one worker, who 'traditionally' never worked on a Monday was finally called to account for himself.

The manager, a hardened ex Welsh rugby internationl forward, who had a reputation for taking no nonsense, invited us to stand (not sit) in front of him and, when he was ready, said Well Mr Jones (not the real name) explain to me why you only appear to work 4 days per week. To which Mr Jones replied (imagine a solid Welsh accent here) "simple innit, can't live on 3 days pay..."

 

Another disciplinary hearing was preceeded by the following;

Branch reps were caled to the managers office (the same guy) at 9am on a Monday (something about Mondays) and asked to take a seat.

The manager arrived looking very sombre and announced, in what was almost (for him) a very 'kind' tone of voice, that one of our collegues had collapsed and died on Swansea's High Street an 7pm the previous Saturday evening. Then came "It's not all bad news boys, he still managed to clock out at 10"....

[Spinner72]

Before there were designated people to fill in accident books, there was a classic spelling mistake ;

 

 

"Jumped down from vehicle and landed on hell"

 

[Medziotojas]

Speaking of accident books, I remember reading this in one of my previous workplaces.

 

Place of accident: Typing Pool.

Nature of accident: Staple to finger.

 

 

I'm working as a proofreader in Lithuania now, and I get the odd funny line from time to time. Here's one I encountered recently:

 

Social responsibility embodies many thongs beyond the strategy of management

[MuckleJoannie]

I mind being told about a fellow who was sacked from a place I worked at in Aberdeen may years ago. A few months after the sacking one of the bosses was walking past a building being demolished in Union Street when a piece of masonry crashed to the ground just in front of him. He looked up to see his former employee giving him a cheery wave from the top of the scaffolding.

[Lola Boomboom]

Similar story to the Welsh rugby Guy... I was working on a building site on the day of the Scotland v Brazil game, world cup 1998. We all sneaked off to the nearest bar on Rose Street to watch the match.

Next day, the unsympathetic boss, who had turned up to find the work force missing, called our foreman into the office and confronted him with the 'embarrasing fact' that he had been seen on Rose street carrying two pints of lager.

"Why?"

"That is an embarrasing fact" replied the foreman..."but I couldn't carry four!"

[BigMouth]

I have a horrible feeling that I have told this one here before, but Shetlink Search says otherwise.

 

I worked for a company that sold and serviced Karcher steam cleaners and pressure washers. The management were a bunch of sheisters who would head hunt top sales staff from the competitors. These gullible quarter-wits would be all puffed up when they got told that their new job would be as the area sales manager. They never seemed to ask how many staff they had. It was always none.

 

They would be set a low sales target on month one which they would achieve. Month 2 it would be a target that they couldn't achieve. Month 3 would be their disciplinary interview and dismissal. They had nowhere to go and their old company would not forgive their treachery.

 

One of them was a right jumped up little Hitler who thought that he outranked me for some reason. As a service engineer he had nothing to do with me, but he would continue to try ordering me about.

 

One day he drove up the incline alongside the cars parked out the front of the factory unit, got out of his company car and walked towards me handing out his instructions. I just smiled at him as it was obvious that he had not put his handbrake on properly. His company car had started to slowly roll down the hill towards the T junction at the bottom and the ditch beyond.

 

I reckon that if he hadn't have locked the car I could have sprinted to it and could have made an attempt to stop it, but there was no way that I was going to break sweat for this turd.

 

As it happened it didn't make the T junction or the ditch, instead crashing into a parked car belonging to an on-call fireman.

 

Being the ever-helpful type I wandered to his office and broke the news to him with a big smile on my face - Dick!

[BigMouth]

The Regimental Sergeant Major was an absolute git. He revelled in handing out punishment and shouting at people. Everyone was scared of him which meant that he was doing his job well - ah management in the British Army - it's a thing to behold!

 

My mate Al was the scruffiest bag of crap you have ever seen. One day he was on parade when the RSM was inspecting. The RSM took one look at Al and almost turned apoplectic. He jabbed Al in the chest with his pace stick and yelled "there's a bit of sh*t at the end of this stick".

 

Quick as a flash Al looked back at him and said "well it's not at my end, sir"

 

I had never before then seen the RSM go so quiet. He just spun on his heel and marched off into the distance.

 

Al and the RSM seemed to avoid each other after that.

[Para Handy]

A mate of mine told me about a work mate of his, that was working in his local Quarry. Who needed to go to the bathroom about 10 minutes to his lunch break. So he stopped and left his dump truck. And ran to the bathroom. The Assistant Manager was seen to be shouting at him, but was ignored. The then work mate went to the shop for his lunch break. When he came back from his break, the then Assistant Manager was heard to ask where he went. And received the following reply. “ I had to go to the Bathroom, and I can only deal with one turd at a timeâ€

[Vivari]

When I worked offshore somebody anonymously (and falsely) tipped off the customs that two of our crane drivers were smuggling drugs out to the platform.

Next time the two of them arrived at the heliport they were unceremoniously hauled off and strip searched. Nothing was found.

When the second one was brought back by the customs man his friend greeted him with the question "What finger did he put up your ass when he searched you". The reply was "I'm no sure but he had both his hands on my shoulders at the time".

[Malcolm]

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio

conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British

authorities, near the coast off England. The transcript was released by

the MoD on 10/10/95.

 

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the

South, to avoid collision.

 

U.S.NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to

the North, to avoid collision.

 

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15

degrees to the South to avoid collision.

 

U.S.NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say

again, divert YOUR course.

 

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert

your course.

 

U.S.NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE

SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE

ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT

VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE

15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE

UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

 

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F**k off

[Rasmie]

An American Jet flying from the US to Australia:

 

US Air : "Sydney Tower, we have your island in sight, requesting permission to land"

 

Sydney tower " US air, make one circuit round our island then you're clear to land!"

[breeksy]

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio

conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British

authorities, near the coast off England. The transcript was released by

the MoD on 10/10/95.

 

It's not true - but its a great (if old) joke

 

http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp

[Rasmie]

A BA pilot, was taxiing into Berlin-templehof in the sixties. Kept asking for direction to his parking stand

irate lady int ATC : "vot is wrong, haf you not been here before?"

 

Pilot : " I was here in 1944 , but I didn't land."