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Malcolm

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Everything posted by Malcolm

  1. Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
  2. A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts. “She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start.†This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer, it’s gonna start any second.†“That’s it!†She blows her top, “You bar steward! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?†The husband sighed. “Oh shoot, it’s started!â€
  3. Winters are fierce in Unst, so the owner of a local business felt he was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs. Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?" "Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!" "Then why aren't you wearing them?" "Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then, someone offered me a drink and I didn't hear him!"
  4. After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"
  5. How Irish dancing started. http://videos2view.net/irish-dance.htm
  6. Membership fees. Normal rate: £24 Youngsters and Oldsters: £18
  7. Hmmm I seem to recall this was the same type of occurrence that caused me to start the petition!
  8. Some git just pinched a pair of my neighbours panties off the washing line. She's not bothered about the panties but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.
  9. I was devastated to find out my brothers wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, We soon were able to come to terms with the whole thing. We converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
  10. Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5persons" "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you arethereforea breaking tha law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
  11. Is Shetland gay friendly? Hmmm YUP! Myself and my partner have only lived on Shetland for 4 years, we had our Civil Partnership here and all the guests (43 of them) were from Shetland, a separate party will be held for our families when we get a chance to go to Cornwall & Fife.
  12. For dates and what's on see... http://www1.clikpic.com/islesburghphotoclub/section161122.html
  13. An old guy was working out when he spotted a very sexy, young lady entering the gym. He asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that gorgeous babe over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "For you, I'd recommend using the cash point in the lobby."
  14. A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. "Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!" Ground control received her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm 5"2' and sitting in the right front seat." Ground control: "Repeat after me: Our Father..... which art in Heaven....
  15. I see ad bumping is going on yet again and nothing is getting done about it.
  16. Hi Biglad. The meetings run from 7.30pm till 10pm once a month (more if there is a lot going on), we enter into national, International and inhouse competitions. We also exhibit locally. In 2010 there was an exhibition held in the museum and 2011 we held an exhibition at the Gilbert Bain Hospital (we are hoping to exhibit in more venues as we go along). There is a annual membership fee (I will find out how much this is going to be this year and post it here) and there are more than enough professionals who are more than willing to give their expert help. Let me know where you live and I will see who is in your area that might be able to give you some pointers. Mal
  17. Islesburgh Photographic Club, Lerwick, Shetland We are a group of amateur enthusiasts who meet regularly at the Islesburgh Community Centre in Lerwick from October through to May (see our Programme page for details.) Take a look at our News Page for the most recent events and other snippets. Check out our Links page for some interesting sites and links to members' personal galleries. We are always looking for new members, so If you would like to join our Club or learn more about us, either give us a call or drop us an e-mail using the "Contact Us" form in this site. Alternatively just come along to one of our meetings at the Islesburgh Centre and meet the members. We hope you enjoy browsing our site. http://www1.clikpic.com/islesburghphotoclub/index.html Lifts may be possible from outlying areas.
  18. An the response wid be.. Oi dae ye mine, ahm oan da foan!
  19. The Braewick Cafe at Eshaness usually do a christmas lunch (have to book way ahead though as it is quite popular) as I believe does the Busta House Hotel. Not sure about in Lerwick though. Mal
  20. Small wind turbine owners advised to shut down Proven machines after defect discovered The owners of the biggest Proven wind turbines in Shetland were advised to shut down their £60,000 machines last week due to a danger that the rotor and its blades might fly off. At least six of the P35-2 turbines were in operation around the islands and another is being re-com­missioned. While Sandwick Social Club and Lerwick businessman Steve Henry shut theirs down last Thursday the Leask family on the West Side, who have four, decided to keep theirs turning. The discovery last week of a flaw in Proven Energy’s flagship P35-2 turbine pushed the Scottish small wind generator company out of business after a city investor took fright and withdrew its funding. http://www.shetlandtimes.co.uk/2011/09/22/small-wind-turbine-owners-advised-to-shut-down-proven-machines-after-defect-discovered
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