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Everything posted by Malcolm

  1. How much of Shetland will it cover?
  2. Irene, the church gossip, and self appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old blue pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George, and several others, that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a few moments and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny! He said nothing! Later that evening, George quietly parked his blue pickup in front of Irene's house ... walked home ... and left it there ... all night!
  3. Three women are standing in an elevator. They're all pregnant. One of them says, "You know, I read somewhere that you can tell the gender of the child by what position you conceived. We did it missionary, so I'm gonna have a boy." The other one looks at her and says, "I was on top, so it must be a girl." The two look at the third, a blonde, and wait for her reply. She's quiet for a minute and then blurts out, "Oh my God!! I'm having puppies!!!"
  4. The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; T'was "fifty shades of grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread... In her left she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominater !! Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left moomin! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one"!! Well readers, I can't tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey
  5. If it is for passport photo's the Camera centre does them.
  6. Hi PT. Try Mrs Steven at Ollaberry post office, ask her about Blythoid. We stayed there for 6 months. There are three attic rooms plus a double on gf, Shower room and bathroom both with wc lounge and eat in kitchen. And she doesn't charge a fortune Mal
  7. Malcolm

    Wed 30th

    Shock! Horror! Tesco was closed today
  8. There is no traffic warden, Angus gave the job up at least 18 months ago. The job has been re-advertised (just not very well).
  9. On my way to the airport yesterday morning I saw no less than 9 Hydro crews up poles. Mostly in the Lang Kames and Tingwall areas plus a couple doon sooth.
  10. A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
  11. From the depths of the crypt of St.Giles Came a scream that echoed for miles. Said the vicar "Good gracious, I think Father Ignatius Has forgotten the Bishop has piles.
  12. A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
  13. A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After two years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news. Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of. Eventually, he arrived at his house and he rang the doorbell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good for nothing bum! Where have you been? You escaped over 12 hours ago!"
  14. "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
  15. There sure is a lot of it spoken on this thread!
  16. A man has been hospitalized after doctors found six plastic horses up his backside. Doctors described his condition as stable
  17. Mine is not to make new years resolutions.
  18. Wishing every Shetlinker a very happy new year. Here's hoping this is your and my year for good health, a bit of wealth and lots of happiness.
  19. I can honestly say I have never had a problem with my Dimage Z2.
  20. I also have a Canon EOS 1100D should you like a look. (The Dimage is my back-up camera). Mal
  21. Hi Kavi, I use a Konika Minolta Dimage Z2. If you would like to see and try one give me a shout and I we can meet up so you can see one, I get excellent results. Mal http://www.dpreview.com/reviews/konicaminoltaz2
  22. Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a man for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11). Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one (GS-9) to do the studies and one (GS-11) to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08). Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
  23. Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one! Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots." Her trial starts next month.
  24. A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life." So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?" he asks. "You gave me the wrong key!"
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