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Everything posted by Malcolm

  1. Wishing all my readers a very merry Christmas and a happy new year. Bright Blessings to all.
  2. A South African man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.' By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?' The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
  3. From a friend in the Met, It is not illegal to town knuckle dusters, however it is illegal to carry them around in public unless in a locked vessel and you are taking them for appraisal or to sell on to a collector. It is further illegal to have them on display in your home where they are easily picked up "They must be kept in a locked cupboard, drawer or safe/vault. As he says it is best to ask at your nearest constabulary for full information. Hope this helps. Mal
  4. I laughed so hard I nearly pee'd myself. http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0%20%3Chttp://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0
  5. Subject: Another Interesting Piece of History In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of Education.
  6. An Arab walks into a bar An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there". Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly sausage does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?" "No," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
  7. Malcolm


    Ok so tonight our deep fat fryer ascended to deep fat fryer heaven. Looking through Amazon I spotted the new "shallow" fat fryers. Does anyone own one and are they any good? Thanks in advance. Mal
  8. For the money the SIC spent on the mareel they could have rebuilt the most delapidated halls and fixed those needing lesser repairs, further to this they could have provided mobile equipment for film shows gigs etc for many years to come and kept most of the island inhabitant happy than just those that live in town. My vote is NO !
  9. The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family waiting for the news, "We had twins!" The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?" The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other."
  10. He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards. .... Forwards then backwards. .... Back and forth... back and forth... In and out, in and out.... Her heart was now pounding faster, her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally exhausted she let out one almighty scream!!! "OK !... OK!... I CANT park the bloody car! You do it you SMUG GIT!"
  11. I believe that there is to be no large trees this year, instead living lerwick and the SIC have joined forces to provide 50 trees which now line the length of Commercial street and will be looked after by the staff of the premises they stand outside of. New lights have also been put up (I believe).
  12. There is one... http://www.shetlink.com/forum/viewforum.php?f=37
  13. After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Valhalla Brewery sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Valhalla Brewery president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
  14. One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of these apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Well, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret..." "You know, woman to woman."
  15. An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over Cunningsburgh. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
  16. I recently saw a driver toss a drinks can on a section Cecelia had cleared the day before, I quickly stopped and collected the can then caught up with the car and followed it to town, when it stopped I pulled up behind the car and handed the "OLD LADY" the can back saying just three words "Dinna Chuck Bruck"! The look on her face was priceless :0) Oh and she did put the can in a bin.
  17. I recently saw a driver toss a drinks can on a section Cecelia had cleared the day before, I quickly stopped and collected the can then caught up with the car and followed it to town, when it stopped I pulled up behind the car and handed the "OLD LADY" the can back saying just three words "Dinna Chuck Bruck"! The look on her face was priceless :0) Oh and she did put the can in a bin.
  18. We recently had a Kebab from the takeaway on Harbour Street and I must say we were very pleased with what we got.
  19. No, it is the guy who had the wee shop next to the butchers on North road.
  20. The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts: We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed. She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to McDonalds. She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot. Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though. "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof." "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished." So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend. "Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?" I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat. "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt. "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense." "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks." She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on that auction site. "Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up. "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD I found her lying naked on the shed floor, covered in rose petals. 'What do you think?' she purred. 'Not sure,' I said, 'Could be greenfly.' 'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.' 'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.' 'Drive me wild!' she begged. 'I know exactly what you mean,' I thought, 'Knowsley Safari Park, here we come!' 'Give it to me now and give it to me hard!' she begged. 'Alright,' I said, 'But I still think a Viennetta's better when it's defrosted.' 'So,' I asked, 'Do you prefer to be on top or underneath?' 'I'm not sure,' she said, 'I didn't expect you to have a bunk bed in your shed.' Each firm stroke was bringing me closer and closer to that moment of relief and satisfaction. Soon my shed would be completely weatherproof. She said she wanted to be an internet porn star, so we left the shed door open and waited for the google streetview van . . . The black leather didn't worry me. Or the heavy breathing. But I must admit I was a bit concerned when she said, 'Luke, I am your father.' Shed builders don't like to boast but I had to admit it wasn't the first time I'd had to get planning permission for one of my erections. 'Mmmm . . that's so good,' she sighed, 'You know just how I like it.' 'Of course I do,' I grinned, 'Milk, two sugars.' We were so excited we raced home and made the beast with two backs. It should have been a coffee table but that's Ikea instructions for you. 'Prepare to suffer like no other man has,' she said, drawing her razor-sharp fingernail up the cellophane of the Sex and the City box set.
  21. I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my other half walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take ages 100 feet, 80 feet, 50 feet finally the excitement was so much I thought my heart would burst. I called out “OI! Get over here quickâ€, Stella Artoise is buy two get one free!
  22. In an investigation into numerous thefts of lorry loads of Hyena flavoured Oxo cubes, now spanning some six months, South African Police detectives have admitted that they have no idea who is behind the raids, adding that thieves were making them a laughing stock!
  23. Tragedy struck at the London Rubber Company today when a workman fell into a vat of latex in the company's condom manufacturing plant. Paramedics and the Fire Service attended but, despite valiant attempts to save the man, the more rescuers tried to tug him from the vat, the more the stretchy liquid pulled him back. Eventually admitting defeat, they were forced to leave the man to his fate and, as he slid deeper into the rubber, the emergency services left the scene. Resigned to his fate, the workman asked for one last request of his employers, reflecting on how he'd always wanted to dine on a five course meal at the Ritz but that now he would never achieve his ambition. Realising that this was the least they could do, LRC managers had a menu faxed through from the Ritz and the man chose chilled broccoli consomme, braised sea bass, a medium rare steak with all of the trimmings and creme caramel, all washed down with the best wines that the Ritz could supply to accompany each dish. Now, almost entirely swallowed by the rubber, his head barely visible and with little time to spare, cheese and biscuits followed. Then, whilst munching on after dinner mints, with coffee and brandy supplied to him via a tube, the man disappeared below the surface. Commenting briefly on the tragedy, an LRC spokesman said, "After fruitless attempts by other staff and the emergency services to save the workman, we managed to make him as comfortable as possible and, in his last moments, the condomed man ate a hearty meal!"
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