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Everything posted by Malcolm

  1. ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --- A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.' 'CASE DISMISSED!!'
  2. Not sure if it is them or not but there is Chinese at the Ollaberry hall tonight till 8pm.
  3. I'm surprised Icke is allowed out in public or even permitted to use crayons!
  4. "DAVE H" Stand back from the cake! Were coming in. Oh and Welcome tae Shetland FatBob
  5. Glaswegian Nicknames Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates: *Two Soups* - his real name is Campbell Baxter. *Norrie Two Bonnets* - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap. *The Colostomy* - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side). *The Boomerang Kid* - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. ' *The Parachute* - lets everyone down at the last minute. *Vaseline* - his real name is Willie Burns. *Rembrandt* - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...' *Bo Derek* - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour. (B.O.) *The Genie* - magically appears whenever anyone else opens a bottle of alcohol. *Dulux* - his pals reckon he's only got one coat. *Soapy* - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.. *The Yeti* - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists. *The Hostage* - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.' *The Olympic Flame* - He never goes out anywhere. *Father* – He was notorious for not signing off reports saying “I’ll not father thatâ€
  6. Sadly the Co-Op lost my vote this week thanks to a ignorant member of staff. I said "Good afternoon" he grunted, I said "bit quiet in here today" his grunt was barely audible, I asked "Have you got any canvas bags" by this time I thought I had gone deaf (but I recognised his gorrilla like attempt at pointing me in the direction of said bags). As I was paying another customer came to the counter only to be rather rudely told "Closed". Civility costs nothing.
  7. Time to deal with the spammers, bumpers and miscreants who (in particular) misuse the classifieds. It is high time the mods set someone on to deal with the classifieds as a singular entity. The amount of misuse is now getting out of hand. I have reported an advertiser on more than one occasion and it takes several reminders before they are dealt with. If the mods are looking for some who is impartial and not afraid to deal with these people then I will put my name in the hat. Mal
  8. And I'm SICK TO DEATH OF SEEING YOU PLUG IT! Had a listen, and it is nothing special. Crumbs, no wonder you need to advertise it so much. Aww... Diddums getting angry and posting in capitals as the forum means so much to him/her. And you are spamming the threads, Why don't you both give it a rest!
  9. Haven't you heard that anywhere north of Brae is invisible on sunday ? This is yet another notch on the post for centralisation!
  10. Cheapest uk & world fuel prices. http://uk.finance.yahoo.com/news/the-cheapest-places-in-the-uk-and-world-for-petrol.html
  11. The hardware shop at Brae has some in stock, also you can but it from Ebay which is where I got mine (3 btls for £8 p&p inc).
  12. Look at the Lexmark X5650 Jim, I have never had a problem with mine.
  13. Be careful as the Bixter practice is on a steep slope.
  14. http://uktv.co.uk/food/ingredient/aid/505914
  15. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
  16. Have the shops opened or have they did their usual and stayed shut?
  17. Malcolm


    "I think you're pigeon-toed, madam" You put De right foot in , you put De right foot out, your right foot in an ye shake it all bout!
  18. Malcolm


    Whadyafinkomanails Tracy, Dayglo pink or puffin orange?
  19. Scouser's Vasectomy After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Wigan, Birmingham, parts of Sheffield, the whole of Essex and anywhere in Wales
  20. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-18801300
  21. I said to my other half, "Have you got a newspaper?" "Don't be silly!" was the reply, "You can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it.
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