Malcolm

Nae weaknesses here boi, Ah say thurl be nae weaknesses here!

Shetland has been sold down the WINDing riVEr!

The Indian takeaway at Brae has gone downhill, the last two curries we have had from them have been really watery.

There is now a gents barber open 2 days a week in the brae hotel.

(He used to have his business in Lerwick).

He is open 10am - 6pm Friday & Saturday.

"No appointments, just walk in".

It went thataway ------>

Little Johnny has been having some bad dreams recently, so his parents allow him to sleep in their bedroom. During the night, Johnny's dad makes it quite clear he's feeling horny.

"Not now," says his wife, "Johnny's still awake. Go downstairs and drink a beer."

Off he goes to the kitchen, drinks his beer and comes back for a shag.

"No," says his wife, "Johnny's still awake. Go and drink another beer."

Off he goes to the kitchen, drinks another beer and comes back, now really desperate a shag, but the reaction is the same.

"But there's no more beer!"

"Look, he's almost asleep. There's a bottle of champagne in the fridge. Open that and I'll have a glass as well."

Off he goes to the kitchen, opens the bottle of champagne, whereby the cork produces a loud bang.

Little Johnny sits up in bed and says, "You should've let him shag you, Mum. Now he's gone and shot himself."

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family croft. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the croft, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's croft, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for £599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our croft. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It will cost 99 pence a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word comfortable."

The operator shakes his head, "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your croft if you send her just the word comfortable?"

You'll love this ..........

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The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bul."

Our flag is up

Once upon a time, two brothers were rummaging through a garbage heap when

they came upon an old treasure map.

They dusted it off and saw that the directions took them up to the

Adirondacks in the dead of winter.

Not wishing to miss a good adventure, they packed up some belongings,

called to their shaggy dog, and were off.

Well, the treasure map was to lead them to a small cabin in the mountains.

They walked happily along...

the older brother went trudge trudge, the younger went step step step, the

dog went lumber lumber lumber.

At the end of a grueling day, they found the cabin, kept by a wisent little

old man. They spent the night.

Well, round about the middle of the night, they were awakened by a huge

crash!

They rose with a start, but alas, too quickly a large rock fell though the

roof and landed on the eldest brother's foot. Tied to it was another map,

but the brother was lamed.

The next morning, they set out with the new map. It led down a terrible

ravine to a hut that lay at that bottom. They proceeded slowly,

the older brother going trudge OW! trudge OW!, the younger brother going

step step step, and the shaggy dog going lumber lumber lumber.

At night, in howling winds, they reached the hut. It was empty, but they

were happy that no wind penetrated the walls, and they dropped on the floor

for a restful night.

Round about three in the morning, there was a horribly loud siren noise,

waking them from sound slumber. Before they could move, an enormous

screaming bird tore through the window and dropped a huge wooden beam on

the younger brother's leg. Tied to it was another map.

The next day, they set out once again.

The older brother went trudge OW! trudge OW!, the younger brother went step

draaaag step, the shaggy dog went lumber lumber lumber.

At night they reached nothing more than a lean-to, but this was their

destination, so they had to make do.

Round about four o'clock in the morning, they were startled by a huge roar,

and a lion bounded up to them, dropping a massive bone on the dog's foot.

The dog yelped, but tied to the bone was another map.

The next day, the sorry crew set out once again.

The older brother went trudge OW! trudge OW!, the younger went step

draaaaaag step, the shaggy dog went lumbyelp! lumber lumbyelp!

It wasn't until early the next morning that they reached their destination,

which was a huge mansion.

At first they were pleased, but when the went inside and saw how rickety

the structure was, they were a bit afraid. They were so tired, though, that

they went right to sleep.

It was night time when they awoke. Slowly, they became aware of a small

knocking sound.

"rap rap rap" "rap rap rap".

They began to search. On the first floor -- nothing.

They climbed the stairs,

the older brother going trudge OW! trudge OW! the younger brother going

step draaaaag step, the dog going lumbyelp! lumber lumbyelp!

The second floor, empty, but still, the sound was louder:

"rap rap rap" "rap rap rap".

The third floor, as barren as the others, but again the sound had increased

in intensity.

"Rap, Rap, Rap" "Rap, Rap, Rap".

Well, to make a long story short, after several more flights with identical

results, they eventually got up to the attic. There massive wooden beams

supported the roof.

"RAP RAP RAP!" they heard. "RAP RAP RAP!"

Excited, they felt all along the beams. Then the younger brother found the

secret compartment

He held his breath, closed his eyes, and tore it open.

Out fell -- rapping paper.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun,

Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?

A: He thought it was a delivery service.

How about the Braewick Cafe/Restaurant? Good food, good atmosphere and the views are stunning.

Will-I-am ?

Only place I can think it might be is on harbour street. They do do a nice kebab

The museum.

A bus load of blind people are on a May Day trip and stop at a pub. The bus

driver asks the owner if some of the lads can have a game of soccer on the

parking lot out back.

"How can they do that," asks the owner, "seeing as they're blind and all?"

"Well, it?s quite easy," says the driver. "They have a special ball with

bells in it so they can find it."

The blind travelers begin playing and nothing much happens for fifteen

minutes or so, when all of a sudden all hell breaks loose. Police cars,

ambulances, fire engines, the lot! As a policeman rushes into the pub, the

bus driver asks, "What the hell is going one?"

"We've had a report," replies the policeman, "that a bunch of hooligans are

kicking a Morris Dancer to death."

An 80-year-old Saskatchewan farmer goes to the clinic in Saskatoon for a

check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you

stay in such great physical condition?' 'I'm from Sask and in my spare time

I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm In such

good shape. I'm up well before daylight in the field plowing and mending

fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the

evening, I have a beer and all is well.' 'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure

that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when

he died?'

'Who said my father's dead?' The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80

years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?' 'He's 100 years

old,' says the old Sask boy. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me

this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some

beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Saskatchewan farmer and he's

a hunter and fisherman too.' 'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but

I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How

old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?' Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're

80 years old and your grandfather's' still alive?' 'He's 118 years old,'

says the man. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I

guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why

would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student

goes and confronts his professor about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise, I would not be a professor!" Student:

"Great. Well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me

the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and leave. However, if you

do not know the answer, I think I should get an "A" for the exam."

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So,...what is the question?" Student: "What

is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor

legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the

student an answer and therefore he changes his exam mark to an "A", as was

agreed.

Later on, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same

question. The stuent immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and

married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife

has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that

you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have

failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation

ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,

grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college

girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them

three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old... I'm telling everybody!'

As the coffin is being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams, "I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth, and mutters…

"Too late, pal! I've already started the paperwork."

So, at a time of these cuts, removal of PCTs, you want to divert funding so you can look at Shetlink while a junior doctor lubes up the endoscope. Why not use a smart phone, and your own account.

I did, but there were other patients there who only had the roof or four walls to stare at.

I asked a simple question (the endoscope quip was uncalled for) based on how visitors to shetland are given internet access but bedridden patients are not afforded the same opportunity. Oh and where did I mention the NHS paying for this?

Free Wi-fi is supplied for tourists in various places throughout Shetland, but why is it not supplied for those forced to stay in hospital /

I recently spent a month in the Gilbert Bain and Aberdeen hospitals. Aberdeen has units that are suspended over the beds where for a fee you can get TV,Radio and/or internet, however at the Gilbert Bain "nothing". My other half ended up bringing a tv in to stop me going mad with boredom. Surely there must be a way to get these (now basic) services supplied for patients.

Too late this year to dig up the crowns. But we have a good crop of rhubarb this year again which needs picking before it goes off.

PM me if you would like some for free, the only thing is that you would have to pick it yourself as I am on strict orders from the hospital to do as little as possibe after major surgery.

We are in Ollaberry.

Or the London underground...

 

More public money is spent on subsidising Londoners than any other region per head of capita.

Joost like Lerook?

Yip!!! Everybody's at it, not just the childless able bodied folk, and there's f-all you can do about it in Tesco's car park.

 

As for around the street, what is the craic with this new traffic warden? I've only seen him a couple of times over the last few weeks.

The job was re-advertised in this weeks Shetland Times.