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Everything posted by Malcolm

  1. Aaarrrrrgh NOOOOOOOO!!!!! I'd prefer buggeredking or MankyDonalds to them ! And I hate them too !
  2. Those were two very moving posts made by BigMouth and sassermaet
  3. Its taen fae Novembr tae noo tae notis thon post, shooda gon tae specksavers !
  4. I have had this on my computer for some years now. I don't know who wrote it so can't give them credit? This certainly helps to put things in perspective at this time of year! The Meaning of Christmas Snowflakes softly falling Upon your window they play Your blankets snug around you, Into sleep you drift away. I bend to gently kiss you, when I see that on the floor there's a letter, neatly written I wonder who it's for. I quietly unfold it making sure you're still asleep, It's a Christmas list for Santa one my heart will always keep. It started just as always with the toys seen on TV, A new watch for your father and a winter coat for me. But as my eyes read on I could see that deep inside there were many things you wished for that your loving heart would hide. You asked if your friend Molly could have another Dad; It seems her father hits her and it makes you very sad. Then you asked dear Santa if the neighbours down the street Could find a job, that he might have some food, and clothes, and heat. You saw a family on the news whose house had blown away, Dear Santa, send them just one thing, a place where they can stay." And Santa, those four cookies that I left you for a treat, Could you take them to the children who have nothing else to eat." Do you know that little bear I have the one I love so dear? I'm leaving it for you to take to Africa this year". And as you fly your reindeer on this night of Jesus' birth, Could your magic bring to everyone goodwill and peace on earth". "There's one last thing before you go, so grateful I would be, If you'd smile at Baby Jesus in the manger by our tree." I pulled the letter close to me' I felt it melt my heart. Those tiny hands had written what no other could impart. And a little child shall lead them," was whispered in my ear As I watched you sleep on Christmas Eve while Santa Claus was here.
  5. Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and a beard, wearing a white robe and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. In a loud voice the President said, "Moses!" The man just stared ahead, not acknowledging the President. Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him. The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil.
  6. A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenic homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted, "He's behind you!"
  7. Now that would be a solution if I needed a new phone, sadly I have only just renewed my contract with Vodaphone.
  8. I would love to get a Wii. Not being able to exercise enough due to a disability it would give me more of the exercise I need Sadly thanks to the ridiculous price of them it will never happen
  9. A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colourful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!
  10. [mod]Please use the search facility to find already established threads[/mod] A friend in Canada has put her tree up, She said it was a struggle getting it ready for Christmas. See what you think... http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Christmas%20card%20pics/ChristmasBeerTree-1.jpg
  11. Not a joke but funny all the same A 1st grade American school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the pigs. 13. An idle mind is the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's pollution. 15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is not much. 17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you. And the WINNER and last one! 26. Better late than Pregnant
  12. A damned good reason not to use hotel bedroom glasses. http://www.bestviral.com/video/6629/dont_ever_drink_from_hotel_glasses
  13. Dumb game show contestant. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zvFVOPPOn0
  14. A Merkin is an American...Wan Yank an its aff !
  15. A woman goes to an ice cream parlour and asks for a chocolate ice cream cone. The clerk apologizes and says that they are out of chocolate and asks her if she'd like to choose a different flavor. The customer says, "Sure, just give me chocolate, please." The clerk again apologizes, and thinking that the woman didn't hear him, says, "I'm sorry, we don't have any chocolate left. Is there another flavor that I can get for you?" The woman says, "Well I guess I'll have chocolate." The clerk, extremely pissed now, tells the woman, "Spell VAN as in vanilla." The woman spells out, "V-A-N." "Now," says the clerk, "spell STRAW as in strawberry." The woman spells out, "S-T-R-A-W." "Okay," says the clerk, "Now spell F**K as in Chocolate." The woman looks dumbfounded for a moment and proclaims, "Wait - there's no 'F**K' in 'chocolate!'" And the Clerk replies, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
  16. try these on for size, they're all replies that women have put on Child Support Agency (CSA) forms in the section for listing father's details 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that He is Christ risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket. 8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilised. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
  17. http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9569477756
  18. http://www.busybus.co.uk/design/xmas_santa.swf
  19. Brings a new meaning to the phrase "Saddle Sore"
  20. Who fancies running into a benefits office with 2 blank discs shouting "I've found them!!!" (*** MOD - merged ***)
  21. (** mod edit - this post has been merged to the existing 'Fish Farming & Aquaculture' thread **) Lets hope nothing like this ever happens in Shetland. Jellyfish Wipe-Out £1m Salmon Farm By Sky News SkyNews - Thursday, November 22 02:42 am More than 100,000 salmon worth over £1m have been killed in a freak jellyfish attack. It has wiped out Northern Ireland's only salmon farm and owners are now facing ruin. The massive invasion happened at Glenarm Bay and Red Bay, Cushendun, off the Co Antrim coast. Billions of small jellyfish called Mauve Stingers were involved - they stung and then stressed the salmon which were being kept in cages about a mile out into the Irish Sea. The attack lasted for nearly seven hours with the jellyfish covering a sea area of up to 10 square miles and 35ft deep. Staff in three boats tried to reach the cages, but such was the density of the jellyfish they struggled to get through and when they did it was too late to save the salmon. The fish is sold to some of London's leading restaurants and the Queen had salmon on her 80th birthday cooked by top Irish chef Richard Corrigan. It was also exported to hotels and restaurants in France, Belgium, Germany and the United States. John Russell, managing director of Northern Salmon Co.Ltd, said "We are still assessing the full extent, but it's a disaster. "In 30 years, I've never seen anything like it. It was unprecedented, absolutely amazing. "The sea was red with these jelly fish and there was nothing we could do about, it, absolutely nothing." Fish farms around Britain and the west coast of Ireland have been attacked before by jellyfish. But the type blown towards the Co Antrim coast by northern winds have never been recorded in that area. http://uk.news.yahoo.com/skynews/20071122/tuk-jellyfish-wipe-out-1m-salmon-farm-45dbed5.html
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