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Malcolm

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Everything posted by Malcolm

  1. A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum. The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust. “What’s the matter hun?†asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?†“No,†replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.â€
  2. If they were legalised would they be like taxis ? Hackneyed = you can flag them down if their lights are on. Private hire = no street pick-ups, need t call them to come to you. Would we see sheltered prostitute ranks ? Would there be equal opportunities for men and women ? :lol:
  3. Baby cheesus = Baby-Bel ? Totally Irrelevant ! Next !
  4. Subject: W O R K Worm Overload Recreational Killer (W O R K) Worm Overload Recreational Killer ... There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
  5. One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!" Then he said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a politician.
  6. At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatist, replied, "No, just engrave it 'To My One And Only Love.' That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
  7. Linda fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Linda honey, we've got to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious." "No way, sweetheart, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been having this affair for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing." "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
  8. Wilbur got a job on the railways as a steward. For the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "Just use diplomacy." "What's diplomacy?" asked Wilbur. "Watch me I'll show you". Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door he was confronted with a buck naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked "Tea or coffee, sir?" The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door. "Wow, did you see that cutie!" Wilbur said excitedly. "She had no clothes on. But hey, why did you call her sir?" "That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her". Wilbur was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the bed. "Tea or coffee, sir?" "Tea" the man replied. "And for your husband?"
  9. A young couples was preparing to set off on their honeymoons by train. The bridegroom said, "Wait here, dear, while I get the tickets." And so he did, but long habit would not be denied and he had not yet gotten used to the fact that it was no longer "just him" traveling. He had bought only one round-trip ticket. He came rushing back to his bride, who looked at the single ticket in his hand, her bright blue eyes promptly filling with tears. The bridegroom looked at her with astonishment, then, with horror, at his ticket. In the blink of an eye set all straight by saying, "Oh, darling, silly me! In all the excitement over our honeymoon, I completely forgot to buy a ticket for myself!"
  10. 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND NIPPLES FOR ? A: It's Braille for " suck here. " Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS ? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but " down under. " Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS ? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it aGoodyear. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN ? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch... AND: Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT ? A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
  11. A must read funny forum, This will have you rolling with laughter. Read it all (Takes about 20 minutes so make yourself a drink) and enjoy one of the best laughs of your life ! http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/read.php?f=2&i=3141618&t=3141618&p
  12. Hamster fun http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/games/action/knd/hamsters/
  13. Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".
  14. If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed... .... Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
  15. For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11 p.m. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common? 1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support. 2. Both barf all over themselves regularly. 3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help. 4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceded them. 5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year. 6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one. 7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation. 8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release. 9. Bill gets the credit, but someone else did most of the work.
  16. A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube." "Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup." "Alright, we could get a blood sample." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die." "Fine then, just walk this white line." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
  17. THE UGLY FROG An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her. He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY." The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY." So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog. IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince. THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS. SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO? COME ON GUESS! OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON -- DONT BE A POOP! * * * * * * * * SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!! She's old....... NOT DEAD !!!!! OLD LADIES ROCK
  18. Ah but if only I could find them. Oh and haven't really any friends here yet.
  19. Fakespeare http://www.paramountcomedy.com/shortcuts/s...px?episodeID=81
  20. A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?" "We'll see," says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy, "The hamster is also a vantriloquist."
  21. A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'. The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes"
  22. We picked up one of their leaflets for home deliveries in the Lerwick shop today. Pity they dont say how far out they will deliver.
  23. One thing that seems to be missing up here is tradesmen ! there arent enough of them. Been trying for months to find a plumber to take out a bath and install a shower but keep getting the same reply "Maybe in the new year" or "Our books are full with new builds so cant help you". Also TV ariel engineers, I mean 6 months without terrestrial TV and no sausage available to fix the ariel is a bit much. Thank **** we have sky (but that doesnt reach the bedrooms).
  24. JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs £5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. POSITION : Mother, Mum, Mama, Mummy, Momma, Ma
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