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Malcolm

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Everything posted by Malcolm

  1. I moved up here to be with my partner and have not seen one thing that would make me want to leave Shetland. I'm a Scotsman and my Partner is English. We seem to get on with the locals well enough
  2. A decent independent magazine and not the piece of poo* we get through our doors every month. *mod interference
  3. Somewhere, in some office or human resources department… an employee has had a performance evaluation. Most of the time these go well, with someone getting a raise or a boost in moral… other times… not so well. The following are actual quotes taken from various performance evaluation tests at a company (to remain anonymous). “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.†“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.†“I would not allow this employee to breed.†“This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.†“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.†(My favourite) “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.†“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.†“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.†“This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.†“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.â€
  4. These are nicknames in use that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates. Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter. Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap. The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on the side). The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that.' The Man from Del Monte - purportedly a ladies' man, but everyone suspects it's the fruits that make him say: 'Yes!' The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute. Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day. Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns. Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...' Bernard Caliper - a keen golfer with a leg iron. Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour. Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls. Elmer - according to his mates, this guy is a real Fudd. Harvey Smith - a skinflint who regularly enjoys a clear round at the bar. The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle. The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the craw Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat. Polyfilla - his real name is Phil McCracken. The Mounty - whenever there's a carry-out on the go, he always gets his can Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up. Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he must be scared of the alarm clock. Wolfy - fond of a right good bevvy, he's always howling. The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists. The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers. Charlton Heston - an incredibly slow fitter who turns every job into an epic. The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied. The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really bad complexion. The Woodpecker - he's always tapping. Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose morals (aka the great dicktaker)
  5. Glasgow pick up lines... 1) Did you fart? Cuz ya blew me awa. 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz your pure special. 3) Mah Love fur you is like diarrhea. I canny hudd it in. 4) Di ye huv a library cerd? Cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yur pants? Cuz I can see ma sel in em. 6) If you wurr a tree and I was a Squirrel, I'd store mah nuts in yerhole. 7) You might no be the best lookin girl here but beauty's only a light switch away. Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman -'WHAT?' Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.' 9) I know I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I kin make yur bed-rock. 10) I canny find mah puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went intae this cheap motel room. 11) Yur puss reminds me of a wrench... Every time I think of it ma nuts pure tighten up. 12) I'm gonna have sex with you tonight, so you might as well be there. 13) I'm a freelance gynocologist. How long has it been since your last checkup 14) You'll do. 15) Are u free tonight or will it cost me ??
  6. It had been raining for days and days, and a great flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house. As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. “No,†replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.†So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. “Climb in!†shouted a man in the boat. “No,†replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.†So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. “No,†replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.†So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned. Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. “Heavenly Father,†he said, “I had faith in you… I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?†God gave him a puzzled look, and replied “I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?â€
  7. The gynaecologist A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange..." "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of five cent pieces." "I see." "That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were fifty cent coins in the bowl." "That night," she went on, "I went again,plink-plink-plink, and there were dollar coins and this morning there were two dollar coins! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about..." "You're simply going through the change!
  8. This bird's got rhythm ... http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09...this-dance.html
  9. Stupidity is a terminal illness, Not sure how true? But they made me laugh And these people are proof. Competition has been tough, seems folks are getting stupider by the year. So much for Darwin’s theory, they’re still breeding. Pretty sure these were snagged from the Darwin Awards, but I’m not positive. Funny nonetheless. Eighth Place In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran,†accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. Sixth Place While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt. Second Place Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M., so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed. First Runner Up Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and the tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located. And The Winner Is Zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves “Sh*t happens.â€
  10. High up in his penthouse suite the mad scientist worked feverishly to perfect his grand project; the human clone. Everything was going well but for one small detail: the clone cussed like a drunk sailor on shore leave. Nothing the scientist could do would stop the clone's abusive ranting. Finally he could take no more and pushed the clone out the window, where itfell sixty stories to its death. The police were summoned to the building, but all they could charge thescientist with was making an obscene clone fall.
  11. A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboybravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
  12. 12 year old Tony was walking along the road dragging a dead frog on a piece of string. He made his way to the local brothel where he walked in and demanded to spend half an hour with a professional lady. His only proviso was that she must have a sexually transmitted disease! The Madame was horrified and assured him that all her girls were scrupulously clean and she simply could not accommodate him. Tony slapped £200 on the desk and repeated that he required a girl who must have an STD with whom he could spend half an hour. After some further arguments and wrangling the Madame told Tony to go upstairs, third door on the left and a girl would come to him.. As he walked out of the office to climb the stairs the madame noticed the dead frog he was dragging around on a piece of string? A little over half an hour later, Tony came walking down the stairs with a satisfied smile on his face. The Madame, unable to contain her curiosity, asked Tony why he wanted to spend time with a young who was carrying an STD? "Well," said Tony, "It's like this." "Tonight the baby sitter will come round to look after me while mum and dad are out." "I'll screw her and she will catch the disease that young lady just gave me." "Then, when mum and dad get in, dad takes her home and he will have intercourse with her on the back seat of the car, so he will catch it." "When dad comes home and him and mum go to bed they will have sex and my dad will give it to my mum." "Tomorrow morning after dad has left for work the milkman comes round and he will have his way with my mum on the kitchen table so, HE will catch it." "And he's the bas**rd that killed my frog!"
  13. http://www.wxpnews.com/OYI193/070612-Unbelievable
  14. OMG ! You just have to see this... http://tinyurl.com/ueg7d
  15. Jim decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jim's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house' 'Don't worry,' Jim said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jim got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' said Bob 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes, 'Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?' Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' Why do you ask?' 'She just died and left me everything.'
  16. Little Tony was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Tony was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. After Little Tony’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gamblingâ€. The father asked how and she said, “He bet me £5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.†“DAMN!†said the father. “What’s wrong?â€, the teacher asked. Little Tony’s father said, “This morning he bet me £100.00 he would see his teacher’s butt before the day was over!â€
  17. Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop. The redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers. Red sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.†The blonde looks quizzically at her and asks, “You don’t like getting flowers from your boyfriend?†Replies the redhead, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers. I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.†The blonde, after thinking for a while, replies, “Don’t you have a vase?â€
  18. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s*it. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
  19. Bad Year for a Blonde January Took Christmas gift scarf back to store because it was too tight. Feb. fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Hellooo! bottles won't fit in typewriter. March Got excited. Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, box said 2 -4 years. April Trapped on escalator for hours..the power went out. May Tried to make Kool Aid wrong instructions on packet 8 cups of water will not fit in those little packets. June Tried to go water skiing couldn't find a lake with a slope July Lost the breast stroke competition, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms. Aug. Got locked out of my car in a rain storm, car swamped because top was left open Sept. The capital of California is C isn't it ? October Hate M&M;s they are so hard to peel. November Burned the turkey. baked it for 4 1/2 days Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 December Couldn't call 911 duh like there is no eleven button on the stupid phone. What a year!!
  20. A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign round her neck that reads: 'If you catch me you can have me.' Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone - 'This is our most rigorous program.' Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:// 'I'm Nigel . If I catch you, you're mine...'
  21. : How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ----------------------------------------------- -------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to Build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. -------------------------------------------------------! ------------ Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake ---------------------------------------------! ---------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. -------------------------------------------------------------------
  22. Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs." The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour." "What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter."
  23. Never mind what is happening at the Northern Rock (soon to re-named NorthernRubble), look how Japan has been affected . September 2007 NEW YORK (Rooters) - Japanese Banking crisis continues on theback of US Sub Prime collapse. The knock on from the US sub prime market in Japan shows no signs of letting up. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches. Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song. Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal.
  24. Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at THE Co-op and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I had ended up in the hospital last time, but that I lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! The Co-op WON'T let me shop there anymore!!!
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