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Malcolm

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Everything posted by Malcolm

  1. The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it. The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him." "Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes." Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him." But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage." With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "His cage?! Oh, no! Danny?!! We thought you said Daddy!"
  2. Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning." "The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief. "Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
  3. Billy-Bob and Bubba were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze. Billy-Bob asked Bubba, "If I snuck ovah to your house while you wuz out fishin' an' banged your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?" Bubba scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so... but it shore would make us even."
  4. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these "quote" comments made during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 12. "God, now I know why some guys are gay." And the best one of all.. 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
  5. A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!). "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?""Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
  6. 1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shop with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 18. My mother taught t me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 19. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 21. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 23. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 24. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
  7. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. What can you learn from this demonstration? "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
  8. John and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at Aberdeen Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. John said, 'Man, I wish we hid sommin to drink!' Jim says, 'Me in a. Y'kaen, a've heard ye can drink jet fuel an get a buzz. Di ye wanna try it?' So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane jet fuel hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning John wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, Hey, how ye feeling the day?' John says, 'Smashing! Fit about you?' Jim says, 'Brand spanking new! Got a hangover?' John says , 'No that jet fuel is just the dogs stoness! -- nae hangover, nethin. We shid dee this mair afen' Jim says 'Aye, well there's jist the one thing.' 'Fit's at then?' 'Hiv yi farted yet?' ' Er, - No ' Well, DINNA, 'cause I'm in fu**in Norway!
  9. A fun condom game. http://www.feelconfident.co.uk/condoms/game.htm
  10. An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked the waitress what the special was. "Roast and rice," the Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue. "You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed. "I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when I wear high heels."
  11. Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later, the first old lady said to the second, "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! Why the genitalia on it was so large!" Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out "... and cold, too!"
  12. The Old Perfesser was going over mischievous little Pauly's records with his anxious parents. On one page was the statement, "Pauly used fowl language today." Pauly's mom, hoping to put the teacher in a bad light, snickered, "Ha! You spelled foul wrong." The Old Perfesser corrected, "No, I meant F-O-W-L. Your child called me a big pile of chicken turd..."
  13. There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US. But now a few women have entered the field. One is Doctor Betty Fraser. Maury goes to Dr. Fraser for an exam. Doctor Fraser says, "I am going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath, and say '99.' " Maury obeys and says, "99." Doctor Betty says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath, and say '99.' " Again, Maury says, "99." Doctor Betty said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your penis.. Now take a deep breath and say '99.' " And Maury replies, "One...two...three..."
  14. The final exam in electrical engineering worried the class. Their professor had the reputation of giving near impossible finals. And if that wasn't enough, on the last day of classes, the professor had wished the students good luck as he wrote a phone number on the blackboard. "If any of you have difficulty understanding the review material, call this number," he said as he dismissed the class. On Saturday afternoon, stumped by one of the review problems, a student called the number and heard a recorded message ... from Dial-A- Prayer!
  15. Ridiculous when you think that the rehabilitation will last longer than the bloody sentence !
  16. I say BigMouth what's a Lemon Poof A Queen wi Jaundice ? One of my fav sweets was Maccaroon bars Mmmmmmmmm
  17. A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah, so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
  18. An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents Johnnie had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three other girls helped me catch him."
  19. Al burst into Dave's room to find Dave standing on a chair with a rope around his waist and the end of the rope around the ceiling beam. "Hey Dave, what do you think you're doing?" said Al. "I'm committing suicide," replied Dave. "Well you're going about it all wrong," said Al. "You're supposed to tie the rope around your neck, not our waist." "Man, but I tried that yesterday and I nearly choked."
  20. A young woman goes to her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "SEX FROGS! Only £20 each! Money Back Guarantee... Comes with complete Instructions." The woman excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions." The woman nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her house she reads the instructions very carefully. She does exactly what is specified: Take a shower. Splash on some nice perfume. Slip into a very sexy nightie. Crawl into bed, place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The woman is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says: If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet shop. So, the lady calls the store. The man says, "Oh-Oh! I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. She welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says... "Listen to me and watch me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
  21. What do you do if a bird craps on your car windscreen? Dont take her out again.......
  22. On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing Is struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my Last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make Me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He Is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No one Moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps. He whispers..... "Iron this. Then get me a beer."
  23. A chap was always enchanted by the size and shape of the lady's boobs next door. One day, he was talking over the fence to the husband, and the conversation eventually turned to his wife's assets. The chap then dared to say; "You know, I'd pay you a £1000 just to kiss your wife's breasts, and I'm serious" His neighbour said "Really? Oh well, I suppose I could allow that. I could do with the money" So in he went to fetch his wife, who agreed as long as he shared the £1000 with her. Well, the chap went over the fence where the lady stood baring her all. He thought he'd get his money's worth by stalking round her, looking at them from every angle, making inappropriate gestures with his hands, reaching out as if to grab them, eyes firmly transfixed. This went on for half an hour, until the husband impatiently shouted; Well, aren't you going to kiss them? The chap just stood there staring at his wife's chest for two minutes in anticipation, and said; "I'm sorry, But I just can't afford it!"
  24. True (or not) this is a giggler... According to a news report, a certain private school in TARINGA, New Zealand was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Priceless! Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers....and then there are educators
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