Malcolm

It was entertainment time at the Day Centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "turd," said the Hypnotist. IT TOOK THEM THREE DAYS TO CLEAN UP THE CENTRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a West Ham United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Hammers fan?" "Because my mum and dad are from the eastend, and my mum is a West Ham fan and my dad is a West Ham fan, so I'm a West Ham fan too!" "Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a West Ham fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died: 1st woman: "I froze to death." 2nd woman: "How horrible." 1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?" 2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: "So what happened? 2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died." 1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive!

The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam"

And the Lord said onto Noah, build a great Ark and fill it with two of every animal, bird and insect you can find and also your sons and daughters etc so Noah did as he was told and when all was complete the rains started. After a week Noah's eldest son approached him and said 'father we have a problem with all the animal excrement and have nowhere to put it all' so Noah said 'just take it all up the sharp end and shovel it over the side' so for forty days and forty nights they shovelled sh*t over the sharp end and then the waters receeded. What they found when the rains ceased and all was dry was a humungus pile of sharn sitting right in the middle of the sea, no more is heard of this pile until Columbus discovered it in 1492............

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast off England. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95. BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision. U.S.NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision. BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision. U.S.NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course. U.S.NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F**k off

Loved this one.

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8. A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

Battle of Trafalgar 2007 style Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir." Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir" Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy to reduce binge drinking." Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. Oh well, I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead." Hardy: "I think that you'll find that is unlawful sir. A 4 knot speed limit is now strictly enforced on this stretch of water and the coxswain already has nine points on his license." Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Get me a report from the crow's nest please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson: "What?" Hardy: "The Health and Safety supervisor has closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. He also said that the rope ladders don't meet the compulsory statutory regulations either. He won't let anyone up there until it can be made safe and proper scaffolding can be erected." Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access ramp to the foredeck Admiral." Nelson: "Wheelchair access ramp? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We are obliged to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the term. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is heavily under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up into the rigging without hard hats and harnesses. Also, they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the Health Advisory Committee?s report about it raising blood pressure? You are aware, are you not, sir, that the Surgeon General has decreed that the recommended daily personal allowance of salt is only eight grams?" Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and instruct the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "I?m afraid that the men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What ? This is mutiny!" Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're concerned about being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a team of legal-aid lawyers on board and they?re watching everyone like hawks." Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." Nelson: "We're not ?" Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. And according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could easily get hit with a substantial claim for compensation." Nelson: "But Hardy, tradition states that we English must hate a Frenchman as we hate the Devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be called to answer for these allegations of institutional racism to the Human Resources Disciplinary Panel." Nelson: "But surely, my fine fellow, it is our sworn duty to consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of our Queen." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive of and supportive to all races and creeds in this diverse and multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest and hard-hat; it's the rules. This regulation could save your life" Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Good God, whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash ?" Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is now off the menu and the Disciplinary Superintendent?s think tank has decreed a complete ban on all forms of mistreatment, either physical or mental, real or perceived as well as any type of corporal or psychological punishment." Nelson: "And the sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe that is now perfectly legal sir, and indeed, possibly compulsory" Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?' All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while then continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?' There she went again, she stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river,and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?' The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river When he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down?' She replied 'Up.' This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!' She replied, 'Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f*** or drown.'

A man was fishing offshore in beautiful conditions. His first drop began with a 25kg Kingfish and the second produced a 20 kg snapper. On the third drop he had just scored his first ever Long tail tuna when his mobile phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the intensive care unit. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital. He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just kidding. She's dead. What did you catch?"

Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE) & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater, but think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock!! 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan P.S. Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Innovative Preliminary c) Proliferation d) Cinnamon Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Specificity British Constitution c) Passive-aggressive disorder d) Transubstantiate Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. Nope, no more booze for me. c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. d) No kebab for me, thank you. e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? f) I'm not interested in fighting you. g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing. h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted. There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?" From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't recoginize you."

March 19th was Einstein's birthday. He would have been 128. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

A fellow walks into a bar with his monkey. He orders a beer and sits down. The monkey sees a slice of lime and eats it. Then the monkey proceeds to pick up and eat a handful of olives, a couple of pineapple slices and finally the cue ball off the pool table! At that the bartender speaks up. "Hey buddy, that monkey of yours ate the only cue ball we've got! Those things aren't cheap!" " I'm not surprised. He's always eating something. I'll pay for everything he's eaten." The guy pays up, takes his monkey and leaves. A few weeks later, the guy comes into the same bar again with his monkey. He orders a beer and sits down. The monkey sees a cherry and grabs it, sticks it up his butt and then pops it in his mouth. "Oh that's nasty!!!", the bartender says," Your monkey grabbed that cherry, first stuck it in his rear end and then ate it!" "I'm not surprised." ,the monkey's owner replied." Ever since he ate that cue ball, he's been checking everything for size, first!"

Typos that allegedly appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services. 1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." 3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. 4. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. 5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. 6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. 7. Don't let worry kill you off let the Church help. 8. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 9. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 10. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 11. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. 12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." 13. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 16. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 17. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 18. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 19. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility. 20. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm prayer and medication to follow. 21. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 22. This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 23. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. 24. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 25. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 26. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 27. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 28. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge Up Yours."

G8 summit. Breakfast time. Blair has scrambled eggs, bacon, sausages, beans, tomatoes-on-toast. Chirac has one boiled egg. Asked why only one egg, he explains: "Because one egg is un-oeuf".

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT& amp T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on His location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep". "That's right says the shepherd. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?". "You're a consultant," says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the guy. "But how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know f**k... all about sheep. "Now give me back my dog."

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man "Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's disgusting!) The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking. Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer. "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!" (Don't drink. Water's disgusting. Sheep crap in the water.) Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!". (Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!) "I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said dear boy! Can't you speak English???" said the man at the stream in a fine English accent; "Oh I see," said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in..."

Duly signed

I got turned down for a job by a charitable group recently, two of the reasons given were "I didnt know enough about the charity" and "They felt I hadn't been quite expressive enough about why I wanted the position"! eh? Yeah right, By those reasons it would seem to me that I would have to live here for a few years and read up on them before I stood a hope in hell of getting the job. My problem is that I am disabled and live with my partner who now has to pay my way for me. I'm 49 and feel useless and worthless!

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

Contains swearing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un_PjRXV5l8