Malcolm

Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining croft. One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the Ronas hill, Bill spied his prize bull humping one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel. He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to do what that bull is doing." Mabel leaned toward him and whispered back, "Go ahead. She's your cow!"

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said:" That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said:" Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said:" Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.' This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.' I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.' I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They sold me a Volkswagen with no driver. I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.' I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?' My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.' I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, but it's P something T something R. I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down. The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.' I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.' I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising You anything.' This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!' I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest' I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.' I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.'

The Loyal Wife There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real misery when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Man in hospital coming round from the anaethestic with his wife and doctor at the bedside. The man starts thrashing around the bed, muttering “Climb over the stile into the fallowed field. Turn left in the field of clover and go through the latch gateâ€. “Dear God,†said his wife, “What’s the matter with him?†“Don’t worry†replied the Doctor – “he’s ramblingâ€

Cyclops was involved in an altercation on the High Street. He punched a bloke on the nose. The chap had looked in a tailor's window while Cyclops was passing. He nodded his head at a suit and shouted to his mate: “There’s the one I’d get!â€

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/rtrs/20070704/tpl-uk-palestinians-journalist-9e08e31.html

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/pro.....734469.stm Isnt that a Menu theyre holding

Two Irishmen were sitting in a bar, watching the entrance to the brothel across the street. A Baptist minister went in, and one of the Irishmen said: "Ah, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then a rabbi went in, and the Irishman shook his head sadly and remarked: " 'Tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." A few minutes later, a Catholic priest went in. "Ah, what a terrible shame," said the Irishman. "One of the girls must be very ill."

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." (If you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this on here.) I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

Dog and Cat diary The Dog's Diary 8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing! 12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing! 5:00 pm - Dinner! My favourite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing! The Cat's Diary Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. boobalubes! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.....

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

Not a joke but it made me laugh ! Sweet Revenge Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 11th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date other people. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mail trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So she took a polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was angry. So he wrote on the back of the photo the following; "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I'm getting pretty desperate!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

710 A blonde goes into the local auto parts store and asks for a seven ten cap. All the guys look at each other and say, "What's a seven ten cap?" She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one." "What kind of a car is it on?" they ask, thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says it's a Buick. "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask. She says, "I don't know, but it has always been there." One of the guys gives her a notepad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter look at it upside down as she writes it... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing hysterically. (Draw a circle, write 710 in the middle of it, and turn it around.)

The Queen, The Pope The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration. The crowd is huge. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry -- both being figureheads and all. The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" he doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice -- they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants." The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so... "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her.

Produce Boy There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half a head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some a**hole out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

Rubbing Her The Right Way A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Fart Glossary ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas. ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink. ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your ass. TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out. BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer. JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape. DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it. GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it. HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one. SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes. TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'. OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells. BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out. ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp. NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!" U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".

Hitler was depressed and consulted his clairvoyant about his future. The mystic studied her crystal ball for some time without a word, for the prospects were grim. Finally, she said: " At least you will die on a Jewish holiday." "Which Jewish holiday?" He asked. "No matter," she said, "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday!"

Murphy was on his death bed and he knew the end was drawing near so he sent for the priest. "Father," he said, "I want to renounce the Catholic faith and become a Protestant." "Have you taken leave of your senses my son?" asked the Priest, "No Father, it's just that if someone has to die, isn't it better that it should be one of them b****** rather than one of us!"

Two priests were chatting philosophically. "Do you think the Pope will ever allow priests to marry?" said one. "Not in our lifetime," said the other, "but maybe in our children's."

http://blueballfixed.ytmnd.com/

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. He looked up and said "perhaps circumcision wasn't a good place to start"