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Everything posted by Malcolm

  1. 9 Reasons To Go To Work Naked... 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my trousers." 4. You want to see if it's like the dream. 5. So that you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. 6. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 7. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 8. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 9. No one steals your chair.
  2. driving home from work the other day and when another car smashes into the back of me I stop and get out to look at the damage The other driver gets out and I see that he only about 3 feet tall .... a dwarf he also looks at the damage to both our cars ..... he looks at me and says "I'm not happy" I look back and reply "so which one are you then"
  3. Two old ladies sitting in a cafe.... Margaret says to Ethel, "Did you come on the bus?".... Ethel said "Yeah, I did, but I made it look like an asthma attack"...
  4. Bloke sees an advert in a pet shop for a talking centipede at £5000 - he decides to buy it and takes it home in a small box... After 30 minutes at home he opens the box and asks the centipede if he would like to go for a pint. The centipede doesnt answer, raising his voice he repeats the question - still no reply...... Getting angry and thinking he's been done he shouts the questions at the centipede who sticks his head out of the box and says "I heard you the first time, I was just putting my f*ckin shoes on!!!"
  5. Man in the pub tells his mates about joining the Army and having to do his first parachute jump... "We were up at about 3,000 feet and one by one all the other guys were juming out. It came to my turn and I just couldn't jump. I was terrified", he told his mates. "Then this big sergeant pulled out this 12" c*** and said "Right, if you don't jump out now, I'm going to stick all 12" of this c*** right up your ass". "So, did you jump?" asked his mates. "Just a bit, when he first shoved it in"
  6. A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having a bad day?" The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!" The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me." The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having another bad day?" The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!" The bartender says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again." The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!" The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife!"
  7. Q) Why did Tigger put his head down the toilet? A) Because he was looking for Pooh!
  8. An actual sign at a Cumbrain railway station. Says it all really. http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Fun%20pics/g461330.jpg
  9. Prime Minister Tony Blair on his l - o - n - g goodbye tour of the entire world, was visiting a primary school and he went into one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". " No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*****g accident either!!"
  10. FW: The Lancashire Lass Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away. James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table. Billy said the he had married a Lancashire lass. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.
  11. Available in Whitby but not in Ollaberry, Hillswick etc
  12. As I said before we would fly the flag but they haven't been made available outside Lerwick.
  13. Just for fun NoDads ! A NoDad is een o dey jumpurrs that yurr faevrit anty used tae nit furr yur christmas or birthday (Think Noel Edmunds). The sort o artikl thai made ye say...... NODAD! AHM NO WEARIN THON !
  14. I don't worry about my health. I have an Uncle who has sex at 83! Mind you, he lives at Number 79.
  15. And why aren't they available anywhere except in Lerwick ? I tried to find one in Northamavine, Brae and on a couple of the Islands at the weekend. When asked why they were't available in outback shops the staff all said the same thing "we dont know why we havent been asked to sell them".
  16. A 5'x3' flag with brass eyelets costs £7.99 in the shops in Lerwick (not bad but) on Ebay you could buy the same flag for £4.99 (P&P FREE)!
  17. Q: What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? A: An offer you can't understand.
  18. Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?
  19. Q: How can you tell the difference between an lawyer lying dead in the roadand a hedgehog lying dead in the road? A: With the hedgehog, you usually see skid marks.
  20. Q: Why don't snakes bite solicitors? A: Professional courtesy.
  21. Q: "Man on riverbank" Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? A: No. Reply: Good!
  22. See http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/essex/6751965.stm
  23. Game show host Michael Barrymore is one of three men arrested by police investigating the murder of a party-goer, sources say. (Advertisement) Stuart Lubbock was found dead in Barrymore's swimming pool home near Harlow, Essex, in March 2001. It is the second time Barrymore has been arrested in connection with the case. Three months after Mr Lubbock's death, the entertainer was arrested on drugs offences and subsequently cautioned. Essex police said the suspects - aged 32, 37 and 55 - had been arrested on suspicion of murder and sexual assault. Mr Lubbock, a butcher, died after after going to a late night party with Mr Barrymore and some friends. Post-mortem tests showed he had suffered severe internal injuries, which suggested sexual assault. Alcohol, ecstasy and cocaine were found in his bloodstream. A lengthy investigation was carried out by police but no one was charged with any offence and a coroner recorded an open verdict following an inquest. In December 2006, police began a new inquiry into Mr Lubbock's death. In January, a police watchdog announced an investigation into detectives' handling of the original inquiry, but that has been put on hold following the arrests. The case has continued to haunt Barrymore, who recently returned to the UK after moving to New Zealand in 2003. His former agent, Karen Kage, said: "He left a month ago to come back to England. He wanted to go back home." It has been reported he had split with his long-term boyfriend and is mixing in London showbusiness circles again.
  24. I make a mean spicy rhubarb chutney (Has one helluva kick . This year I decided to sell some and boy does it sell well
  25. I bought an item (paid with paypal) off of Ebay from a guy who lived 4 streets down the up from me in Blantyre, 2 weeks later and still no joy so I knocked on his door and the item was hastily found. Mind you it helped that a friend was with me when I called round. There again it might have been something to do with his uniform (He was with the local nick at the time ). The cheeky sod had the gall to complain to Ebay and Paypal about me! His ass was grass when Ebay booted him out for being the chancer that he was
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