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Everything posted by Malcolm

  1. Common sense prevails at last. No matter what your way of thinking on this subject is there is one thing to think about seriously. That is that if PH had been allowed to serve the remainder of her sentence at home because of a "health condition" then a precedence would have been set that could possibly have seen thousands of robbers, burglers, murderers, paedophiles etc etc etc go free by claiming the same rights.
  2. To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefi t of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". Here are the lyrics she used: Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.// Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,// Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,// Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,// These are a few of my favorite things.// When the pipes leak,// When the bones creak,// When the knees go bad,// I simply remember my favorite things,// And then I don't feel so bad.// Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,// No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,// Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,// These are a few of my favorite things.// Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',// Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',// And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,// When we remember our favorite things.// When the joints ache,// When the hips break,// the eyes grow dim,// Then I remember the great life I've had,// And then I don't feel so bad.// (Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)
  3. After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that Would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in The world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear Is going to help me." Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held The can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Newcastle , parts of Hartlepool and anywhere on the Isle of Wight.
  4. Bin Laden gets captured and appears in front of Dubya Bush, who says: "Here, throw this dice, and if you get any number between 1 and 5, I'll shoot you" Bin Laden: "What if I throw a six?" Dubya: "You get another go"
  5. Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away." St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never!" replies Dave. "Well just relax and let it happen" So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up you drunken b*****d, you've shat the bed.
  6. A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck. Now, will you get the f*** away from me?"
  7. ^ I hope you reported that to the police. Better safe than sorry I say. (** mod edit - excess quoting removed. Please use '^' to refer to the post directly above if necessary **)
  8. So, lets get this right. Edinburgh thinks it would be wrong to expect people to come to Shetland to view the treasure but ok for Shetlanders to travel to Edinburgh to view a treasure that comes from Shetland. Quite quite incredulous!
  9. Nah, everybody knows that an hour after eating chinese you want another! so save time and double up by having a Chow Chow Mein
  10. I wonder if he wil;l submit the recipe to the Shetland Independant Newsletter ?
  11. S.I.N. and now S.O.U.L. Can i add [**MOD EDIT**] before the second acronym ?
  12. Thanks Trout. All sorted now.
  13. Done that now Trout, But it still wont let me alter my password.
  14. I been having log in problems this past couple of days. I logged in on saturday, replied to a message and logged off. An hour later I couldnt get logged in again. My password was rejected so I got a new one sent by email and that too was rejected. I cleared cache etc and got back in using the new password sent to me but now I cant get the system to let me change my password to one I like ! I get a message saying... General error debug mode (followed by a lot of code). Frustrating to say the least.
  15. A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous Redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he Sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to The theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come To her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! ! ! "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No, " she replies. .. . . . " Wait for it. It's coming. The suspense is killing you, isn't it?..........here it comes ready ? She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."
  16. An old Baptist country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: A Bible A silver dollar A bottle of whisky A Playboy magazine "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be! And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold. "Lord have mercy," the old preacher cried in disgust, "he's gonna be a Politician."
  17. FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME.... For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their Religion. The Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States. If not, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice for Dell.
  18. Moshe Kohen opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in the window "ARABS NOT WELCOME"; a couple of days later, a person of obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich - so the cashier quickly runs into Moshe's office asking what to do. Moshe decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he orders "OK, give him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him." No sooner said than done. But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full lunch; Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this time!" The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the same evening. Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if his friends do come, charge them tenfold!" The Arabs appear in the evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip generously. So the next day Moshe puts a new sign in the window: "JEWS NOT WELCOME."
  19. A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Hello", he says. "Alright mate, where's ya bin?" asks the dustman. "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed. Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood him, the binman smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?" "I dust bin on toilet, I toll you" says the Japanese man. "Mate" says the dustman "You're misunderstanding me... where's ya Wheely Bin?" "OK OK", says the Jap, "I wheely bin having a w***."
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