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Everything posted by Malcolm

  1. A female truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told her to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in her mouth, as she stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away her pep pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was going to get sc*****"
  2. A husband and wife were sitting at a table at their high school reunion, and he kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighed the husband, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "Oh, my!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
  3. This one is for everyone who... >a) Had kids > Has kids >c) Is going to have kids >d) Knows a kid >e) Was a kid A friend was packing for a business trip and His three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, He reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. He went back to packing, looked up again and His daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. He said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, Scroll down ;0) Daddy, "What happened to my bogie ???"
  4. LOL, Now everyone knows that the sea is green !. Its the algae they need to paint blue to get the right colour.
  5. ODE TO ENGLISH RUGBY "As sent to me by a friend from Southampton" Ye cam up here tae paradise, tae beat us at your game, Aw wind and piss and full o' turd, Yer aw the bloody same, Ye ca yersels the champions, the nations most elite, Scotland are the champions, Yuv just been f----- beat. A game that wis invented, fur English gentlemen, No Highland Jocks wi tartan frocks, well bliddy think again, A ba that's shapit like an egg, its just a stupit farse, A suppose it makes it easier, tae ram right up your ass. So git back hame an lick yer wounds, yie a bunch o stupit fools, It's time fur you tae cheat again, change the f----- rules, Rugby, fitba, cricket tae, yir just a shower o chancers, Stick tae whit ye dae the best, you morris f----- dancers
  6. An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, " Do you realize what time it is? Where have you been?", and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub... Pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman, don't you ever stop!?"
  7. An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go!"
  8. The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
  9. On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer ...... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
  10. A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon,everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly sitting in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?" "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't." "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" "Don't doubt it for a minute." "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity??" "Yep", was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan. "Nope" More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68 years."
  11. [mod]Thread merged from "Used Cars" to this new amalgamated thread[/mod] How is the market for used cars at the moment ?. I was thinking about trading in my Y reg Fiat Ulysses for a small 4x4 (Toyota Rav4 poss). But after hearing the trade in value they can "Stick it where monkeys stick all sorts of things". Realised my best bet is to buy and sell privately.
  12. Here you, leave me an my horses alone! especially clarabel she's gorgeous
  13. There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Eeishh, normally we're a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is off sick today!"
  14. St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work. Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell. St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?" "Yes, that's me," the little old man says. "Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks. "They keep resuscitating me," he replies. 40 Gypsies died and went to heaven. They turned up at the Pearly Gates and asked St Peter to let them in. He said that they didn't have room for all 40 of them. He only had room for five, so they should go away and think about who would come in. A short while later St Peter went to see God and said "They've gone!" God replied, "What, the Pikeys"? "No, the Bloody gates"!!!!
  15. The Rabbi explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Finally, Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces, "If the Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!" Total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jacob, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Vell, I just mentioned to mein husband how nice it is that others were helping the Rabbi, and asked vat ve could do to help. He said, "F*** the Rabbi..."
  16. Is this "True or False" ? The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received the most calls ever on a singles ad: SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy. Scroll down for the answer.... Yup its true Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. Men are so..............easy!
  17. Ah yes, Izaal..........Friend to the accidental seekers of Prostates
  18. Watch out for another Shetland property boom after todays BBC1 showing of "To buy or not to buy".
  19. Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio: 1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him." 3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." 5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??" 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it." 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."> 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." 11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
  20. Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false? Answers are below. 1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. 3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years. 4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more. 5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart! 6. Only 7 percent of the population are lefties. 7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old. 9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 11. The average housefly lives for one month. 12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day. 16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water. 18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot. 19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a "Gentleman " and "Tootsie." 20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South CarolinaState Anthem. 21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. 22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. 23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery. 25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green. They are all TRUE ... Now go back and think about #16!!!
  21. A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's) MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" The widow said. "Just look at you .. You have no legs!" The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" She snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" The wedding is Saturday.
  22. "Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking man. "Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge. "You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him." "Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who can lie like that."
  23. A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart...Nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell, no they ain't twins. The oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?" "No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
  24. One day the Mexican maid announced to her boss's wife that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I am in the family way." The wife was both surprised and shocked, and asked who it was. The maid replied, "Your husband and your son." This time, the wife was horrified and demanded an explanation. "Well," the maid explained, "I go to the library to clean it and you husband say, 'You are in the way' I go to the living room to clean and you son say 'You are in my way' So I'm in the family way and I quit."
  25. Mother, admonishing her young son for lying: "Son, if you keep on lying, a bad man with a tail and pitchfork will catch you and force you to work in a fiery hole for 50 years. You won't tell another lie, now, will you?" Boy: "No, mom. You tell them better than I do."
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