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Everything posted by Malcolm

  1. A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young woman in her short mini-skirt. Using the time-honored ice breaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll get out of me by plying me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asks. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replies.
  2. Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and KC. When they start down, Cooter slips, falls off the tower, and dies instantly. Pete says, "Well, somebody ort to go tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at thet sensitive stuff, I'll go." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Pete says, "Where did you git that beer, KC?" "Cooter's wife give it to me," KC replies. "You told that woman her husband got killed and she give you that beer?" "Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said, 'You must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
  3. This old spinster had two capuchin monkeys that she dearly loved. One morning she came to their cage and found them both dead. She took them to the taxidermist: "They're all the companions I had in this world. I'd like you to work on them." "Certainly, ma'am," said the taxidermist, "how would you like them mounted?" The spinster blushed: "Oh, NO! Not **mounted**; they were brother and sister!"
  4. IMHO this sorry excuse for a human being should have had her butt slung in jail long ago. She has asolutely no regard whatsoever for authority and absolutely no respect for her elders. She thinks that her wealth will buy her way though life and that others are on this planet for her amusement. As far as I am concerned it is about time that the authorities clamped down of these poor little rich kids!
  5. Ah bet his response wiz..............pissriteaffdanoo
  6. Ok not quite instand food but a "Double up" Kraft dinner (aka Cheesy Pasta). Cook the past in boiling water for 4-6 minutes then follow the instructions on the packet. DO NOT THROW AWAY THE BOILING WATER.... Instead add a beef stock cube to the boiling water for a delicious mug of beef tea.
  7. A lobster pot, Dad said you needed a licence to catch even one lobster.
  8. Admitedly the sign is difficult to see from certain angles. Perhaps the solution would be to erect some sort of framework behind the sign and cover it with a dark green or black netting (this would allow the wind to pass through without (hopefully) causing any damage) which would then allow the sign to be more visible.
  9. Bill and Tom Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital. Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead' Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in' 'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey sod put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated !
  10. At aproximately 8.30 am today Kent was rocked by an earthquake. http://uk.news.yahoo.com/skynews/20070428/tuk-earthquake-shakes-southern-england-45dbed5.html
  11. After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?". "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, (scroll down) "but his face rings a bell" WAIT! WAIT! There's more… The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..." ( . . . Wait for it . . .. ) ( .. . . It's worth it . . ..) He's a dead ringer for his brother.
  12. Aaaargh, that was for Claudius
  13. And they peel them with their metal knives
  14. ...and how do the horses feel about this Frances? 8O Wow !! Its Frances the talking mule Erm i'll be bowling along.
  15. KEEP TAKKIN DA TABLETS. I KEN ITS NO DOIN DEE ONY GOOD BUT IT MIGHT TAKE DY WYE AFF O DEE EVENTUALLY I thought they had a uniform fetish as they kept the sailors uniforms
  16. http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Flight93.jpg
  17. http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Interstate90.jpg
  18. Lie back and think of China they said !
  19. http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Shetland%20pics/A34.jpg
  20. Try to stay calm when you read this - and maybe ask someone to accompany you home. This story happened about a year or two ago near Aughrim Co. Galway (Ireland), and even though it may sound like something out of the X Files or from Alfred Hitchcock Presents... its real! This guy drives from Ballinasloe to Kilreekill and decides not to take the new A road, as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the outskirts his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from anywhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the rains are so strong he can barely see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly in the distance he sees the headlights of a car coming towards him and it slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opens the car's door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him, when he realises there is nobody behind the wheel!!! Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep, steep drop beyond the curve). Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend. Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard and fast as he can towards the lights. It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside bar, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some Whisky and give him a shot. And he starts telling whoever will listen about the horrible experience he's just been through. A silence envelops everybody when they realise the guy isn't drunk, and Is really frightened - he's crying and shaking. So they give him more booze and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what. But just then two strangers walked into the bar. And one says to the other, ..... "Look, that's the eejit that got in the car when we were pushing it."
  21. Not tonight honey, I gorra headache !
  22. Do you really think this is a good idia. Wont it just clog things up? Come trow, Rasmie. Du cin do better is yun. Weel, hit micht clog tings up but da moaderators'll surely haad it gyaain tae da essy kert if hit becomes a problem. this will surely only work if people learn to quote properly Well we can only try LOL could be fun Dad are we there yet ?
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