Jump to content


  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won


Everything posted by Malcolm

  1. Gordon's Song. Or The Tax Man Cometh Tax his land, Tax his wage, Tax his bed in which he lays. Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes is the rule. Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat. Tax his ties, Tax his shirts, Tax his work, Tax his dirt. Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think. Tax his booze, Tax his beers, If he cries, Tax his tears. Tax his bills, Tax his gas, Tax his notes, Tax his cash. Tax him good and let him know That after taxes, he has no dough. If he hollers, Tax him more, Tax him until he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he lays. Put these words upon his tomb, "Taxes drove me to my doom!" And when he's gone, We won't relax, We'll still be after the INHERITANCE TAX!! COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago And there was prosperity, absolutely no national debt, the largest middle class in the world and Mum stayed home to raise the kids. What happened????
  2. "What aff gets up to is his own business Very Happy " Must be busy cos he wiz buggerin aboot tae
  3. A freind in Hull (called Anne) got trapped by the "God Squad" for 35 minutes on her doorstep, to be fair it was her own fault. Here is how it went.... Knock knock.... Hello were here to talk about Jehova.. Anne...Waisting yer time son, were atheists. JW You dont belive in the almighty ? Anne.. Honest to god son ! Cue a 35 minute lecture on Jehova etc
  4. The last lot of JW's that called whilst i was living in Yorkshire ran like f************* , Especially when as I opened the door they handed me a tract saying "Jesus wants you" I replied with "Oh turd ! I thought you were from the sex escorts club" (Warning), dont try this with the "Old granny type" they aint getting it elsewhere 8O 8O 8O 8O
  5. I took an IQ test once, jist dinna tell da pollis
  6. http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Sadie/PICT0091-small.jpg This is Sadie, Oor wee rescue dog. In high winds we tie a strong rope tae her an gie her a treat. My how fine she looks as she soars like a kite "Joking of course" but we do put her on a strong leash when its windy and she wants to go out.
  7. Subject: : Medical distinctions We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
  8. Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back athim in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping I Loveyou!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 am , drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.""So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave mealone,b*tch, I'm married!!!". Broken table - £200 Hot breakfast - £4 Red Rose bud - £3 Two aspirins - £0.25 Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless
  9. A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon,everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly sitting in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?" "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't." "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" "Don't doubt it for a minute." "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity??" "Yep", was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan. "Nope" More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68 years."
  10. Third Graders Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid are In the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is a couple Of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far the Biggest. That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him What he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud From a new book...and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the Largest weenie." "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the Biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Redneck. Is that true Mom?" Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three
  11. A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer, they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices"? He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs"? She asked excitedly." No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then"? His wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson." "Batteries"? Cried the wife "Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the seashore."
  12. A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the " R" ! , we missed the "R" !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEB R ATE!!!"
  13. Up-Helly-A' cancelled and windfarm meeting postponed after tragedy Incorrect Malcolm, i'm sorry to correct you. The public meeting went ahead as planned in Vidlin tonight and was very well attended. For understandable reasons, not all concerned were present, but representatives of the SIC and SSE were present to provide information and answer questions. I would personally recommend attendance at the subsequent meetings to all with even a passing interest. Aith is the next venue on Wednesday night and then Whiteness and Weisdale on thursday. There are further meetings and visits as oulined in the windylights brochure. I think it is fair to stress that this is not yet a "done deal" and that the public consultation is a key part of the development plan. "Hae your say!" Not quite as incorrect as you think, here was a meeting planned for Brae too. This was the one I was refering to. Info came from the Shetland Times. No harm done.
  14. Up-Helly-A' cancelled and windfarm meeting postponed after tragedy 12/03/2007 Delting's Up-Helly-A' celebrations, due to take place this week, have been cancelled after the tragic death of a 26-year-old man.
  15. I took my pics with a Konica Minolta Dimage Z2.
  16. I took a couple of pics, theyre not much but you can see the eclipse. http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Lunareclipsegsmall3307.jpg http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Lunareclipsefsmall3307.jpg http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Lunareclipsedsmall3307.jpg http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Lunareclipsesmall3307.jpg http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Lunareclipsebsmall3307.jpg http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Lunareclipsecsmall3307.jpg
  17. I spotted a "Ned mobile" today......... http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Fun%20pics/Ned-mobile.jpg
  18. Ned-Savers.... Mans best friend http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Fun%20pics/Chav-saver.jpg Prevention is better than the cure
  19. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzz z zzzzzz zz ----------------------------
  20. Hi all. Were a gay couple ages 49 & 57, recently moved to Shetland and looking to make some local mates.
  21. Not sure if we need them or not as I have yet to see one. Seem to remember they caught someone for not cleaning up their dog's poo....or was that the police?. You mean the polis niver cleant up their ane dug poo ! Crivins whit next ? Throw awa the key ah say... Throw awa the key !
  22. News breaking now. A Virgin Rail Glasgow-London train has de-railed. For more info see link. http://uk.news.yahoo.com/23022007/140/train-derailed-passengers-trapped.html
  23. At 3pm yesterday afternoon I took 1 look out the window and decided that there was no way I was going outside and that if need be the wee dog could do its business indoors ! That idiot put 30 peoples lives at risk (his rescuers) and claims he is a celebrity here ? I think I would be barred off this site for life if I put what I thought of him in this forum !, (** MOD EDIT **)
  • Create New...