Malcolm

Does anybody know where (or if) I can buy a Diesel generator with button start on Shetland ?

We use Shetland broadband, not really had any big problems and they are fairly quick to sort out the smaller issues.

Excellent idea! That means I wouldn't have to cook (Although You, Ghostie, could still wash up the small plates from the oysters). Have them from the shell, ergo NO DISHES TO WASH!

Gin & Tonic

Smoked salmon & cream cheese on thin toasted brown or wholemeal bread. add wedges of lemon and tomato.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-16102566

Our garage door was ripped off in the winds during the night.

Dats nae wey tae trait da Groilick!

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like turd." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper." Don't mess with old people.

Paddy is on a bus, when a young woman sat opposite to him starts to breast feed her baby. "Come on, eat up, or I'll give it to that man over there," she says to the baby. 10 minutes later, she is still trying to feed the baby and says, "Come on, or mummy will give it to that man over there." Paddy looks over to the woman and says, "For heaven's sake missus, will you make your mind up. I should've got off this bus 3 stops ago!"

A man goes to see a doctor and says, "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me with something really special." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE." "I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." He thanks the doctor and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..." The husband's eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too.."

There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made and excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the first pork item on the menu. While he's waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The congregation president is more than a little shocked. "What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered. "

Was prob a spammer put a message on the thread then mods deleted it before you could see it.

Understanding the Euro crisis. Some years ago a small rural town in Spain was twinned with a similar town in Greece . The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built". The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor ' s house, gold taps, marble floors; it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?" The Spaniard replied; "No."

http://www.shetnews.co.uk/news/2453-sex-offenders-ambulance-charity-struck-off.html [***mod edit - Title changed at moderators discretion, (punctuation was misleading)***]

A Viking longboat masthead.

This is the council we're talking about, the same people can't find their own ass so that they can wipe it..... I will have you know mr the council men (labour workers at least)do good jobs. If they do good "jobs" does this mean they CAN find thier ass to wipe it?

Filled in and sent.

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time? Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys. "Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents. Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesusâ€. Then we all go to the Bahamas.

Tell them a Welsman will sing to them

My mate, a farmer had a hair-brained scheme to breed genetically modified sheep that were twice the size of normal ones. To do so he had to remortgage his house to finance it but things didn't go to plan, and although the sheep were larger they weren't as big as he'd hoped. He couldn't afford the repayments on his loan and the bank repossessed his house and land, leaving him with just his sheep, nowhere to live and penniless. The last time I saw him he was standing on a street corner selling biggish ewes.........

I'm sure I heard a deep sigh from the would be tree huggers yesterday.

Just a thought but could you possibly stack one trailer upon another (as long as you dont exceed any hieght restrictions) thus saving individual transport costs?

I had sausage & chips from the happy haddock on Wednesday evening and they were very nice. The chips were golden in colour and were nice & crispy on the outside but soft & fluffy on the inside the sausage was ok too.

Just a reminder thaqt the club meeting is tonight. Room 11 Isleburgh centre Lerwick. See you there. Come and say Hi to me so I know who you are. Mal