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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


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1870 replies to this topic

#1 Njugle

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Posted 11 February 2006 - 12:22 AM

Any body ken any side splitters?

NB Any mention of chickens and roads here will meet with the foulest response!!

Preferably suitable for all ages likely to view this forum,please

#2 Yowe

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Posted 11 February 2006 - 01:50 AM

Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? Because it said concentrate.....


Ok, it's not the best but it's a joke dammit :oops:

#3 JAStewart

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Posted 11 February 2006 - 03:16 PM

A man phone up work and says to his boss "I can't come to work today, I'm sick" and his boss says "Well how sick are you?" and the man replies "Well I'm in bed with my sister".

:lol:


I totally stole that from the Fast Show live

#4 PoolHaddock

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Posted 11 February 2006 - 03:23 PM

This isna really a joke, more of a life philosophy......but I'll submit it anyway!

If at first you don't succeed.......so much for skydiving.

#5 Guest_Anonymous_*

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Posted 13 February 2006 - 05:39 PM

Whats the difference between your wife and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist!!!!

#6 Guest_Anonymous_*

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Posted 14 February 2006 - 03:06 PM

Chuck norris does not sleep. He waits.

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Posted 14 February 2006 - 03:07 PM

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

#8 Guest_Anonymous_*

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Posted 14 February 2006 - 03:08 PM

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

#9 Guest_Anonymous_*

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Posted 14 February 2006 - 03:09 PM

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

#10 Guest_Anonymous_*

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Posted 14 February 2006 - 03:09 PM

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

#11 Pooks

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Posted 14 February 2006 - 08:11 PM

Did you hear the one about the blind circumciser?

He got the sack! :D

What is red, white, fluffy and sits in a tree?

A sanitary owl! :D

What's black and loud?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron! :D

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot you racist bar steward! :D

#12 trout

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Posted 18 February 2006 - 02:25 PM

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building his house and laying up supplies for
the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and
dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so
he dies out in the cold.

THE END.



THE BRITISH VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building his house and laying up supplies for
the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and
dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

So far, so good, eh?

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be
warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like
him, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant
in his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table
laden with food.

The British are stunned that in a country of such
wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so
while others have plenty.

The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the
Transvestites With Starving Babies Party, the Single
Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the Coalition
Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's
house.

The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian cultural festival
special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts
them singing "We Shall Overcome."

Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama
that the ant has got rich off the backs of
grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on
the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response, the Labour Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination
Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined
for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without
enough money to pay the fine and his newly imposed
retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden
Council.

The ant moves to France, and starts a successful
AgriBiz company [funded by the EU] (although within
weeks, his business is threatened with Compulsory
purchase by the state unless he marries a French ant).

The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing
up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still
months away, while the government house he is in,
which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles
around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot
is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will
cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the
Guardian blames it on the obvious failure of
government to address the root causes of despair
arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is
taken over by a Gang of immigrant spiders, praised by
the government for enriching Britain's multicultural
diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana growing
Operations and terrorize the community.



THE END
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#13 jz

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Posted 19 February 2006 - 06:10 PM

THE BRITISH VERSION:


The Daily Mail version, you mean

#14 trout

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Posted 19 February 2006 - 06:24 PM



THE BRITISH VERSION:


The Daily Mail version, you mean



The sent in an email version

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Posted 19 February 2006 - 06:42 PM

Hear is a good one... The council is going to build and cinema and not have to bail it out every year!

joke if i've ever heard one!

hehe

#16 Distortio

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Posted 19 February 2006 - 10:33 PM



THE BRITISH VERSION:


The Daily Mail version, you mean



The sent in an email version


someone sent me a similar nick griffin chain letter type thing recently. i was happy to become the weakest link in that particular chain...

#17 peeriebryan

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Posted 20 February 2006 - 03:45 PM

Why was 6 scared of 7?

Because 7 8 9

#18 Njugle

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Posted 20 February 2006 - 08:21 PM

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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#19 Guest_Anonymous_*

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Posted 20 February 2006 - 09:33 PM

How do you make a bear cross??..................

















Nail two bears together.

#20 peeriebryan

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Posted 21 February 2006 - 03:16 PM

How do you make a bear cross??..................

Nail two bears together.

:lol: Excellent. A joke which can be tailored to any situation.....