Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with LinkedIn Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Photo

Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


  • Please log in to reply
1870 replies to this topic

#21 McFly

McFly

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1411 posts

Posted 21 February 2006 - 03:44 PM

What did 0 say to 8?






Nice belt!

#22 Yowe

Yowe

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 458 posts

Posted 21 February 2006 - 07:48 PM

What did 0 say to 8?






Nice belt!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

#23 lumpsucker

lumpsucker

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 84 posts

Posted 19 March 2006 - 04:44 PM

A man walks into a clock shop and sees a lovely assistant. He slaps his dick down on the counter - she says "its a clock shop sir!" "I know put 2 hands and a face on that!"

#24 Guest_Anonymous_*

Guest_Anonymous_*
  • Guests

Posted 21 March 2006 - 11:01 AM

why did the chicken cross the road?

to prove it wasn't chicken. :cry:

#25 Njugle

Njugle

    Advanced Member

  • Moderators
  • PipPipPip
  • 6910 posts

Posted 21 March 2006 - 11:19 AM

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Any body ken any side splitters?

NB Any mention of chickens and roads here will meet with the foulest response!!

Preferably suitable for all ages likely to view this forum,please


I did warn you, you turkey!!!! :evil:

#26 Guest_Anonymous_*

Guest_Anonymous_*
  • Guests

Posted 22 March 2006 - 09:43 PM

Here are a few of my favourite jokes (they are a bit crap!)

What do you call a burning jacket?
A blazer

What do you do if you find a trumpet buried in the ground?
Root it oot

How does Jack Frost get to work in the morning?
By Icicyle

Whats brown and stares in your window?
A nosey sh*t

Ha Ha

#27 Roxy71

Roxy71

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 200 posts

Posted 25 March 2006 - 01:19 PM

An English tourist visiting the Outback of Australia notices a farmer goin' at it with a sheep in a nearby field. The English guy taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The Aussie farmer looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHARING with anyone!"

#28 Guest_Anonymous_*

Guest_Anonymous_*
  • Guests

Posted 25 March 2006 - 02:47 PM

Jock is driving home late one night when 'BANG' he kills a deer.
Now, not wanting to be wastefull of such a good piece of 'roadkill', he puts in the boot thinking it would make some good eating.

Anyway, Sunday Lunch comes around and he serves a very large roast for the family to eat.

Little Johnny tucks in and, as soon as he tastes the meat, asks "What's THIS!".
Jock, not wanting to upset his kids (Bambi and all that) says "The meat has the same name as the one your mother sometimes uses for me"

"WHOAH" say Johnny, "I'm not eating any f*ck*ng *rs*hole"

#29 Roxy71

Roxy71

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 200 posts

Posted 26 March 2006 - 12:51 PM

How To Sell Lawnmowers

A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!" :wink:

#30 Roxy71

Roxy71

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 200 posts

Posted 26 March 2006 - 12:57 PM

The Raffle

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet." :lol:

#31 Roxy71

Roxy71

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 200 posts

Posted 26 March 2006 - 01:01 PM

Toothbrush Salesman

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn''t such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That''s not enough”

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, “Look, you''re a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free chips and dip” A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This tastes like turd.”

And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

#32 Njugle

Njugle

    Advanced Member

  • Moderators
  • PipPipPip
  • 6910 posts

Posted 01 April 2006 - 06:28 PM

Definition of "Brave:"

Coming home covered in lipstick, stinking of perfume, slapping the wife on the arse and saying, "Right Fatty,you're next!"

#33 AngusMecoatup

AngusMecoatup

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 85 posts

Posted 01 April 2006 - 07:59 PM

Did you hear about the gay magician?















He disappeared with a poof

#34 Heimdal

Heimdal

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 450 posts

Posted 01 April 2006 - 08:11 PM

How do you make a cat drink :?:









Put it in the liquidizer.

#35 JustMe

JustMe

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 3580 posts

Posted 11 April 2006 - 10:06 AM

!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

This article was written by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after consuming mass quantities of yeast bread then realizing his canteen was empty. (seriously :P )

#36 Heimdal

Heimdal

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 450 posts

Posted 11 April 2006 - 07:03 PM

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the
Farmers Bar, Tam turns to Shuie and says, "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o'gan
through life withoot an education. I'morn, I think I'll ging doon to the
community college and sign up for some classes."

Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.


The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs
him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History and logic.

"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's at?"


The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

"Aye"

"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden"

"That's true, I dee huv a Gerden."

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think
logically that you would have a house."

"Aye, I dee huv a hoose."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"I huv a femily."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a
wife."

"Yer nae wrang!! I dee huv a wife !!"

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual ?"

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazin' !! You were able to find a' that oot,
jist 'cos I huv a strimmer."

Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturer's hand and leaves to
meet Shuie at the pub. He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up
for Maths, English, History and logic.

"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's at?"

Tam says, "I'll tell ye. Di ye huv a strimmer?"

"No."

"Well then, yer a poof."

#37 Heimdal

Heimdal

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 450 posts

Posted 11 April 2006 - 07:20 PM

Tony Blair visits an Old Folks Home,whilst there he shakes hands with the residents. Then he comes to an old lady who's been looking at him quizzically. "Hello" says the P.M. "Do you know who I am?" The old lady thinks for a while and replies. "Ask Matron, she'll tell you"

#38 teenie

teenie

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 47 posts

Posted 11 April 2006 - 08:08 PM

Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.

The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to shag the cat."

#39 johnny_knobsville

johnny_knobsville

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 13 posts

Posted 12 April 2006 - 09:48 PM

When Chantelle wiz in the hospital huvvin' Jay then she telt the burd at the right side of her bed that she wiz huvvin' a boy 'coz she wiz on top when he was conceived.

The burd she spoke to said she wiz huvvin' a girl coz she wiz on the bottom when she was conceived.

This pure minger who was listening tae the conversation piped up and said "ah think ah'm huvvin' puppies"

#40 Ally

Ally

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 911 posts

Posted 13 April 2006 - 03:20 PM

ok! looks like the last ones i posted were a little too "adult" - or maybe just so unfunny that they warrented deletion!

I'll tone it down bit from now on...

Here's a mildy amusing variation on the Englishman, Irishman Scotsman theme:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.

The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.

The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.

The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint and shakes it over the drink screaming "Come on ya wee bast*rd! Spit it oot!"



:D