Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?
Posted 19 March 2006 - 04:44 PM
Posted 21 March 2006 - 11:01 AM
to prove it wasn't chicken.
Posted 21 March 2006 - 11:19 AM
Any body ken any side splitters?
NB Any mention of chickens and roads here will meet with the foulest response!!
Preferably suitable for all ages likely to view this forum,please
I did warn you, you turkey!!!!
Posted 22 March 2006 - 09:43 PM
What do you call a burning jacket?
What do you do if you find a trumpet buried in the ground?
Root it oot
How does Jack Frost get to work in the morning?
Whats brown and stares in your window?
A nosey sh*t
Posted 25 March 2006 - 01:19 PM
The Aussie farmer looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHARING with anyone!"
Posted 25 March 2006 - 02:47 PM
Now, not wanting to be wastefull of such a good piece of 'roadkill', he puts in the boot thinking it would make some good eating.
Anyway, Sunday Lunch comes around and he serves a very large roast for the family to eat.
Little Johnny tucks in and, as soon as he tastes the meat, asks "What's THIS!".
Jock, not wanting to upset his kids (Bambi and all that) says "The meat has the same name as the one your mother sometimes uses for me"
"WHOAH" say Johnny, "I'm not eating any f*ck*ng *rs*hole"
Posted 26 March 2006 - 12:51 PM
A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.
The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."
After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."
The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"
Posted 26 March 2006 - 12:57 PM
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
Posted 26 March 2006 - 01:01 PM
A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn''t such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, â€œMan, I only sold one toothbrush. That''s not enoughâ€
So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, â€œLook, you''re a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.â€
So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.
So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says â€œFree chips and dipâ€ A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, â€œThis tastes like turd.â€
And the salesman replied, â€œYeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?â€
Posted 01 April 2006 - 06:28 PM
Coming home covered in lipstick, stinking of perfume, slapping the wife on the arse and saying, "Right Fatty,you're next!"
Posted 01 April 2006 - 07:59 PM
He disappeared with a poof
Posted 11 April 2006 - 10:06 AM
Research on bread indicates that:
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
This article was written by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after consuming mass quantities of yeast bread then realizing his canteen was empty. (seriously )
Posted 11 April 2006 - 07:03 PM
Farmers Bar, Tam turns to Shuie and says, "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o'gan
through life withoot an education. I'morn, I think I'll ging doon to the
community college and sign up for some classes."
Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs
him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History and logic.
"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's at?"
The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"
"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden"
"That's true, I dee huv a Gerden."
"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think
logically that you would have a house."
"Aye, I dee huv a hoose."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
"I huv a femily."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a
"Yer nae wrang!! I dee huv a wife !!"
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual ?"
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazin' !! You were able to find a' that oot,
jist 'cos I huv a strimmer."
Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturer's hand and leaves to
meet Shuie at the pub. He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up
for Maths, English, History and logic.
"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's at?"
Tam says, "I'll tell ye. Di ye huv a strimmer?"
"Well then, yer a poof."
Posted 11 April 2006 - 07:20 PM
Posted 11 April 2006 - 08:08 PM
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.
The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to shag the cat."
Posted 12 April 2006 - 09:48 PM
The burd she spoke to said she wiz huvvin' a girl coz she wiz on the bottom when she was conceived.
This pure minger who was listening tae the conversation piped up and said "ah think ah'm huvvin' puppies"
Posted 13 April 2006 - 03:20 PM
I'll tone it down bit from now on...
Here's a mildy amusing variation on the Englishman, Irishman Scotsman theme:
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.
The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.
The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.
The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint and shakes it over the drink screaming "Come on ya wee bast*rd! Spit it oot!"