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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


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1870 replies to this topic

#41 Heimdal

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Posted 13 April 2006 - 08:46 PM

Donald Rumsfeld was giving George Dubya his daily briefing.

He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH MY GOD!" the President exclaimed. "That's terrible!"

His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the president sat, head in hands.

Finally, the President looked up and asked..........''Er - how many is a brazillion?"

#42 Jonesy

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Posted 23 April 2006 - 09:42 PM

Tony Blair is visiting a hospital in Ayrshire. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets the first patient with a handshake. The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
How thou'art worthy o' a grace
As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, Blair moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee, sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickerin' brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks:

Is this a psychiatric ward?

"No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit".

#43 lumpsucker

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Posted 24 April 2006 - 08:34 PM

peerie boy comes into school the next day after being off , the teacher says , why were you off school yesterday young man , the peerie boy says , my dad got burnt , teacher says thats terrible was he badly burnt , the young boy says miss they dont f*ck about in the crematorium :lol:

#44 L9ndh

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Posted 11 May 2006 - 10:42 PM

A couple of hunters are out stalking bunnies in Dunrossness when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his mobile phone, calls NHS24 and gasps " My friend is dead, what can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead..."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

#45 L9ndh

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Posted 11 May 2006 - 10:53 PM

The lawyer said to Mickey Mouse, "With the best will in the world, Mr Mouse, I can't see any court in the land granting a divorce from Mrs Mouse on the grounds that she has buck teeth."

Mickey replied "I didn't say she has buck teeth - I said she's f*****g Goofy!"

#46 Pooks

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Posted 13 May 2006 - 11:21 AM

I wis standin' at da holl-idda-waa' da idder day when an auld wife wandered ower and asked me tae help her check her balance. No wantin tae offend an auld wife I agreed and shivved her ower.

#47 L9ndh

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Posted 13 May 2006 - 01:25 PM

What does John Prescott have in common with MFI furniture?




A couple of screws in the wrong place... and the whole cabinet falls apart!

#48 Jay_Corolla

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Posted 13 May 2006 - 11:48 PM

A blonde got fired from the M&M sweeties factory.....





.....she threw out all the 'W's!

#49 Jay_Corolla

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 01:28 PM

(**Moderator edit - Joke removed due to content**)

Terms & Conditions
1. You agree, through your use of the Shetlink forums, that you will not post (or hyperlink to) any material or use language which is defamatory, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, inciting of violence, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or in violation of ANY UK law.

#50 Jay_Corolla

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 01:28 PM

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing President Bush: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "that's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

#51 Jay_Corolla

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 01:30 PM

(**Moderator edit - Joke removed due to content**)

Terms & Conditions
1. You agree, through your use of the Shetlink forums, that you will not post (or hyperlink to) any material or use language which is defamatory, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, inciting of violence, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or in violation of ANY UK law.

#52 Jay_Corolla

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 01:30 PM

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

#53 peeriebryan

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 01:31 PM

Jay, look 10 posts up for the Rumsfeld joke

#54 PoolHaddock

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 01:32 PM

^ yin een wis said on this very page, less than 10 jokes ago.

#55 Jay_Corolla

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 01:32 PM

On a tour of Scotland, the Queen took a couple of days off to visit the west coast. Her Range Rover was proceeding along the golden sands of Saltcoats when there was an enormous commotion.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic tops sped into view one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the Rangers fan from the water and using long clubs beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore........
It was the Queen calling them to the beach.
On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said,"I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of Scotland were bigoted and trying to divide the country in two but now I see this is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."
She knighted them and drove off. As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, "Who the {'f' it was funny in Father Ted 'eck'} was that?!" "That," one answered, "was the Queen. She's loved by Protestants and knows everything about our country."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "she knows {'f' it was funny in Father Ted 'eck'} all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up? Or do we need to get another one?"

#56 Jay_Corolla

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 01:37 PM

Little Tommy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour saw him. "What ya doin' Tommy?" he asks.
"My budgie died," replied the lad, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was confused. "That's an awfully big hole for a budgie, isn't it?"
Tommy smoothed over the last of the earth and replied, "That's because he's inside your feckin' cat!"

#57 Jay_Corolla

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 01:38 PM

Jay, look 10 posts up for the Rumsfeld joke

I do appologise. Can you forgive me dear?

#58 Jay_Corolla

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 01:39 PM

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog lying on the road, and a dead Rangers fan lying on the road?

A. There are skidmarks in front of the dog.

#59 Jay_Corolla

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 01:43 PM

(**Moderator edit - Joke removed due to content**)

Terms & Conditions
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#60 Jay_Corolla

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 01:45 PM

Old Sean lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Mick,
I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Father,
For Christ's sake, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them feckin' bodies!
Love, Mick

At four o'clock. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local Gardai showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they filled the lot in, apologized to the old man and left.
The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Father,
Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Mick