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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


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#1861 MuckleJoannie

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Posted 22 December 2014 - 04:37 PM

Alternative Xmas cracker jokes from the Guardian

 

Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
To give a family spanning three generations a simple punchline at which they all could groan and thereby enjoy a small and rare moment of communion.
 
Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular? 
Because horses are rubbish at drawing.
 
 
What did the snowflake say to the fallen leaf? 
You are so last season.
 
 
Which author steals train sets from under the Christmas tree? 
Nick Hornby.
 
 
I don’t like grasshoppers. 
They’re just not crickets.
 
 
How do Santa’s employees have to register their tax returns?
Elf assessment
 
 
Why do male pickup artists keep pulling crackers at Christmas? 
Because they can’t pull any women, the idiots!
 
 
What’s a dog’s favourite carol? 
Bark, the herald angels sing.
 
 
What’s a mathematician’s favourite Christmas snack? 
A mince pi.
 
 
Who wraps the little bits of bacon around the tiny sausages?
It’s the pigs trying to put themselves back together again.


#1862 George.

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Posted 22 December 2014 - 05:59 PM

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus!!!

 

 

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?

Eight - One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!!! 


Edited by George., 22 December 2014 - 06:00 PM.


#1863 Capeesh

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Posted 17 January 2015 - 11:14 PM

Statistacally 1 in 7 dwarfs are Grumpy


"I had a dream" - Martin Luther King

"I came, I saw, I conquered" - Julius Caesar

"We shall never surrender" - Winston Churchill

"Defeat is O.K" - Nelson Mandelas chiropodist

#1864 George.

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Posted 22 January 2015 - 06:40 PM

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother and asked her the same question. She told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mum was talking about her side of the family."


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#1865 BGDDisco

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Posted 17 June 2015 - 12:03 PM

One to try on the wife / girlfriend. But I suggest maintaining a safe distance, taking projectiles into account!!

 

Husband: Want to play the 'Rape game' ?

Wife: No!

Husband: Yay! That's the spirit!


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#1866 Colin

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Posted 22 June 2015 - 11:38 PM

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."


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#1867 MuckleJoannie

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Posted 29 August 2015 - 09:29 PM

The top 10 funniest jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe this year

 

    "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh

    "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge ass ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

    "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

    "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham

    "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green

    "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson

    "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry

    "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane

    "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery

    "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child


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#1868 BGDDisco

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Posted 06 November 2016 - 06:56 PM

I found a wallet.

I thought "What would Jesus do?".

So I turned it into wine!


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#1869 George.

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Posted 06 November 2016 - 07:44 PM

In Britain, democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.


Edited by George., 06 November 2016 - 07:54 PM.


#1870 BGDDisco

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Posted 13 November 2016 - 04:37 PM

A dung-beetle walks into a bar and says, "Mind if I take this stool?"



#1871 MuckleJoannie

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Posted 15 August 2017 - 10:17 PM

The 10 best jokes from the Edinburgh fringe

 

Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.

 

Centaurs shop at Topman. And Bottomhorse.

Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.

 

I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.

 

Relationships are like mobile phones. You’ll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on.

 

In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit, because she’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job.

 

The Edinburgh fringe is such a bubble. I asked a comedian what they thought about the North Korea nuclear missile crisis and they asked what venue it was on in.

 

How did the Village People meet? They obviously led such different lives.

 

If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

 

Actually only 9 as one is probably not suitable for this site.