Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third

from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose

soldiers were the bravest.

 

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman!

Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder',

and then jump off!"

 

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot,

scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground

at attention.

 

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

 

"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES,

SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole,

balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing

'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.

 

"YES SIR!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon

high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

 

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.

 

"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"

 

"YES SIR!" replies the private.

 

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that

flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem,

salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."

 

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.

 

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

 

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.

 

"YES SIR!"

 

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one

hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put

your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

 

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "F*** Y**

SIR!"

 

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

[oddtablet]

Dan was a single man living at home with his widowed father, working in the family business.

 

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

 

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but soon, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

 

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.

 

 

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

 

[oddtablet]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.â€

 

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

 

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer†the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.â€

 

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!†she shouts, “I'll take care of this!â€

 

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?†and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

[Guest Anonymous]

1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.

 

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

 

3. If they can put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

 

4. Never let your man's mind wander-- it's too little to be out alone.

 

5. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

 

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

 

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

 

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

 

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

 

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

 

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

 

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

 

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

 

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.

 

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

[Guest Anonymous]

Since his little affairs have come to light, several of Tiger Woods' sponsors have dropped him.

 

However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him for their new product.

 

It's a new drug called Tiagra.

 

It's good for 18 holes.

[Para Handy]

A teacher who is on his last day before retirement, is walking up to the door of his last class after dinnertime. And hears a lot of shouting and ruckus from inside the classroom. He opens the door and walks in and tells them to shut up. And he then sees the three boys who have had made his life a misery, for the past year. Sitting in a row of desks, on the left hand side of the room, as the noise subsides. Two girls can still be heard, arguing about being English or Scottish. Eventually on girl decides to ask him for the answer. The teacher walks up to the three boys sitting on the left and points at each one in turn and replies with the following statement in English first and Scottish second.

 

 

Pointing at boy one

Large Shi'ite

 

Boy two

Small Shi'ite

 

Boy three

Can’t Shi'ite

 

Then he goes down to the first boy again and repeats

 

Pointing at boy one

Big Jobbie

 

Boy two

Wee Jobbie

 

Boy three

Canny Jobbie

 

And walks out of the classroom with a big smile on his face

[Malcolm]

Pauly and one Maury are co-workers. One Monday morning Pauly started

boasting to Maury about his sexual endurance.

 

"Three times," gasped Maury admiringly. "How'd you do it?"

 

"It was easy." Pauly looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and

then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made

love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I did it for a

third time. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull,

I'll tell you."

 

"I gotta try it," said Maury. So that night he made love to his wife, took

a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and

made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He

woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the

office, where his boss growled at him.

 

"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working in this office for twenty

years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty

minutes against me now, are you?"

 

"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the hell were you on

Tuesday and Wednesday?

[Malcolm]

The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a Stop button. He rambled on and

on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience.

 

Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him.

It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.

 

As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard

to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him."

[Malcolm]

A man bought a large tract of wasteland and within a year, turned it into a

thriving produce farm. The local pastor stopped by and complimented the man

on his impressive progress. Then he added, "Wondrous things can surely

happen when man and God work together."

 

"Amen," said the man, "but you should've seen the place when God was

running it alone."

[Malcolm]

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a

picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

 

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella

green.

 

Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck

red.

 

After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Johnny, how many times have you

see a red duck?"

 

Little Johnny replied, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding

an umbrella."

[tlady]

[DamnSaxon]

A few dreadful puns which turned up on Keelynet over the holiday:

 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

 

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

 

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

 

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

 

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

 

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

 

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

(Apologies if any of these have come up before, but I haven't the time to read all 57 pages ... )

[clanchief]

True story heard on the radio today _

 

A guy was on holiday in Nazareth at Xmas and went to midnight mass - before the service started, the priest advised the congregation not to close their eyes during prayers as the church was full of pickpockets -

 

made me lol anyway

[Para Handy]

A thick female MP, who was working as a call girl on the side. And not understanding money that well. Was charging men on what weight there genitals were. The heavier the said equipment, the more money you had to pay her. But this may be just hear say because even after a winning a lotto jackpot. I don’t have enough money to pay her to find out personally

[humptygrumpty]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

 

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

 

 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered: 'Is that one word, or two?'