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This bloke is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary-Ellen written on it," she replies. "Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She seems satisfied, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he says, "What the heck was that for?" "Your horse phoned."

Thanks, JustMe. I have been using a site called www.samknows.com to check out the broadband. If you put in various phone numbers, say, along the Muckle Roe road, then you can see how the speed deteriorates as you get further out. Another good thing about the site is that it tells you, exchange by exchange, what is available and what the upgrade plans are. (Don't hold your breath!)

Paulb, you can't leave it at that! Where would you pick?

Thanks for the replies. To answer your question, sassermaet, we both work from home so we can base ourselves where we want.

I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Blacksmith's Arms with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer. This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Blacksmith's Arms and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box:........................................... "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on."

My partner and I are moving up to Shetland in the next few months. We both work from home so can pretty much choose where we want to live. What can people tell me about Brae? It seems big enough to be practical (i.e. shop, doctor, dentist, Indian takeway - all the essentials!) and has some houses with some lovely views so it ticks most of the boxes. The one thing that you can't get a good feeling for on a couple of short visits is what the community is like so I would be grateful for the views of those who know it a lot better than I do. Is Brae a great place to live or should we choose somewhere else?