PS13

This thread has never ceased to amaze me this day. At one point i'm reading about giving messages --- along the lines of raising voices, yes we have all done it, however, from experience as well as working with extremely vulnerable people now for over 15 years - there is no justification for smacking a child, if you are to succumb to that level - I certainly would like to think you are witnessed, and reported. Shouting at your child, will only lead to mental abuse, and this will live in your child throughout their childhood, and even going on to adult hood, ruining future relationships, as well as future parenting techniques. The impact is too huge to explain, and for many - who really cares? You all have your different views, but mine, a parent of a 16 and 17yr old, one who has caused many a sleepless night, as I couldn't smack, ground, withdraw privileges, as yes - he didn't care, or give a stuff. Banned from every school - and who questions why? Who gives him trouble? who finds out any given reason - NO ONE other than the parent - but you loose that trust, and in life you loose some valuable trust that a smack/shout couldn't have earned you. Look around and look at the numbers of children who are damaged, through parents or their peers, shouting, arguing because they cant agree on how best to discipline, and what's the outcome - misery from what I have seen. No, I'm no perfect parent, certainly wouldn't be nominated for 'mother of the year', but what I do have is my children's trust, respect, and genuine love - for one thing _ i certainly would not of brought my children up as I was brought up - similar to previous post from an honest woman who mentions her sisters - again, similar, I work out of my 3, gained an education, and hopefully showed my children some good morals and principles as well as values throughout their lives. I would not wish any of them to go on further through life thinking it's acceptable to smack, or shout at people..... They have not been perfect... but what child is? Hormones as well kick in for the poor children around their teenage years, bodies changing, relationships forming, schools changing.... ect... I'm only glad I hold my own values and morals, which at last has given me the best years of my life and two very dear children whom I am proud to also call my friends ( in an acceptable parent/child relationship ), and heres to the rest of you when deciding what's in the child's best interest when your'e hitting your head around a brick wall on what direction to take!! I do note - the initial thread is certainly veering off towards different angles..... Wishing you all the best.

Well as a parent - your skills are working well. Just a small reminder as how shocked I am already that 69% agree to a smack/slap....... If working with vulnerable people as a job - ie: education and social services - bear in mind any implications caused through a parents methods, could cause jeopardy to your job, therefore unable to keep a roof over your little ones head, as if posing any threats to vulnerable individuals you will end up investigated either through the police or child protection/social work as well as your own workplace once reported if anyone witnesses it, schools/nurserys notice it, or your child withdraws into themselves through fear and signs are displayed. As a child I had all kinds - slippers, smacks, even a lead from a kettle - it never taught me - it induced anger within me instead, that was unable to be used appropriately. Again - an example - a close friend - hit as a child - no learning, just hated his parents, and continued to offend through life ( nearly as payback to parents, but couldn't express, hence taking it out on others ) - the lists have endless consequences for ALL concerned.

Yes, I get your point re: raising voices when a toddler touches a hot oven, but from childhood should we not be teaching the children that dont touch in the first place, and the reasons behind it : ie - you would be burnt, it it very hot etc.... and the implications. Communication my guess is the way forward in this years we are in, where Scotland, other than E and W would differ slightly, but no, no smacking. I guess we all raise our voices, and most of the time its usually from fear for what our little ones may harm themselves against ; sibling rivalry where you're always going to get the creaming and blaming - how do you control it without a raised voice at times _ just depends how close a family unit you have and whether negotiations can take place around a table. Not always having to bribe ( as my 17 year old says - its not about what you buy me to pawn me off - it's your love is all I need - and on that note - it's how as a parent we show love! ) It's a hard call for any parent - good judgement - doesn't always mean its lawful to lift a hand/raise a voice, but as common sence and a little education - without judging anyone there, we have to move forward into a society that we can only see deteriorating year by year as our children at times have not been disciplined that we had a youngsters ( and I guess for some - slight fear never to do it again ) Two helpful books I found as my kids were getting into their teens, and involved in friends nights out were: 1-How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk - author: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish ( both authors of Liberated parents/liberated children ) 2-Teenagers , what every parent has to know : author Rob Parsons As much as its straying from initial post - just may be helpul to someone out there - they are very easy books to pick up and put down, easy reading. Theres NO perfect parent out there, we all have our faults at times, and split instances that we question the rights or wrongs. Our children never asked to be here - its us who took them into the world, to support them, give them guidance, emotional, psychological, educational support and put them on a nice clear path into life posing no threats or behavior we seen many moons ago by our own parents/grandparents etc... The law has changed so much and so fast, we nearly need to be chasing it with our children and directing them appropriately. Background research would suggest, once hit as a child, they will go on in later life to hit themselves, sometimes to the extreme, so no I don't feel it works at all. It may be hard to begin to communicate with a younger child, but amazingly within 2 weeks, they are seeking that communication back from you. Turn them around before 12, because my experience once at around 12, it gets harder to gain their trust. But that's only my take on it, I'm sure you all have your own.

As a mother of two myself, now 16 and 17. My advice is 'no' please dont ever resort to a smack, even a tap over the hand. Children need boundaries, rules, guidelines, and they seek these through various methods - including attention, which may in turn have that thought of a 'quick smack over the wrist' , all because they are looking for your attention 3/4 of the time, or no boundaries, or 'false threats' are being followed through, in turn confusing them even more. Once you set these guidelines, you will find communication works best with your child. Reasons - sitting down and 'hearing them' not just 'listening'. You will soon have your trust built up, and your child will in turn stop displaying the behavior which leads you to imagine for a split second whether or not to 'smack your child'. All children at points through there lives will push us to the max, where we feel unable to disciplined in any other method, however if that trust is built up through communication - which could be as simple as a family tea around a table which would in turn give the child freedom of speech, in a safe environment as their own home, this can be avoided. Going back around 8/9 years ago with my daughter, ending a nightshift myself, she became very verbal, a split second later a slap , very tiny one on her shoulder - led me to open my door to social work and police. OK so an investigation took place, and it was found I was just doing as a 'normal' parent would have done in the circumstances. For me, however it opened my eyes to the law, and how much even the slightest form of any slap/smack can impose. I would urge anyone not to lift their hands to children, and to either use different forms to wondering why your child is acting in a way that questions your parent skills. There are some good books out there looking at different strategies to work with your child. They are extremely useful. Please remember we are no longer living in the 70's /80's . Law has changed, and children now are given every opportunity to express concerns through confidential lines as well as being taught their rights throughout their school life. OK , so you may wonder ' for what use' , well hopefully to look at different angles to talk to our children and hear them - thus avoiding any means that would place a parent in a situation that would put your child at risk or place a conviction on your record and possibly your child on a child protection order. ( It's not worth it!). Listening and hearing, as well as followed through boundaries could prevent a trail of destruction through one split second with a smack to a child.