Malcolm Posted July 6, 2010 Report Share Posted July 6, 2010 A fairy appears before a man and offers him a wish. The man says "I wish to live forever" "Sorry," says the fairy, "I cannot grant eternal life." The man thinks and then says, "I wish to die when England win the World Cup again." The fairy says, "Sneaky git!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gafynandrew Posted July 9, 2010 Report Share Posted July 9, 2010 You've got to admire Emile Heskey.....He had a disasterous world cup, he came home, put on a frock, and won the women's title at Wimbledon.....lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy/T22 Posted July 13, 2010 Report Share Posted July 13, 2010 Farmer phones his son and says "I have run over a pig, and it is still alive, what do i do?"Son says "Shoot it and bury it"20 mins later the farmer phones his son back and says "Now what do i do with his motorbike and Speedcamera?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted July 13, 2010 Report Share Posted July 13, 2010 A young woman goes to see a doctor to ask advice on a very sensitive matter."I'm getting married on Saturday,' the distraught young lady cries, and my husband is convinced I am a virgin. What he doesn't know is I lost my virginity years ago. Is there any way I can convince him I'm still a virgin?" "Medically, no" the doctor replies, " but I do have a suggestion which may help. On your wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, slide an elastic band around your thigh. When he enters you, simply twang the band with your fingers and tell your husband that it is the sound of your hymen snapping." On the big day, the newlyweds go up to their honeymoon suite. The bride goes into the bathroom and slides her elastic band around her thigh. The couple get down to some serious married sex. Just as her husband enters her, the bride snaps the band and moans with what she thinks is a mixture of ecstasy and pain. " what was that?" the husband cries "ooh" the woman moans "that must of been my cherry popping love" "well snap it back, it caught round my b*****ks" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted July 14, 2010 Report Share Posted July 14, 2010 The Emu . . . . . . . An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emubehind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to theemu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be$9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exactchange for payment. The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger,chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks thewaitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and asalad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and placesit on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in yourpocket every time?''Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago; I was cleaning out theback shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appearedand offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to payfor anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the rightamount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for amillion dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you wantfor as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, theexact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' The trucker sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big ass and long legs, whoagrees with everything I say.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted July 18, 2010 Report Share Posted July 18, 2010 An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to thebathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.' 'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is ittrue that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?' 'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zebbidy Posted July 19, 2010 Report Share Posted July 19, 2010 want a laugh go to http://www.1227.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
upnorth76 Posted July 19, 2010 Report Share Posted July 19, 2010 Italia 90'Euro 96'Rothbury 2010 Why is it when Gazza shows up, there's always a shoot out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
upnorth76 Posted July 19, 2010 Report Share Posted July 19, 2010 (** mod edit - poor taste 'joke' removed **) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 ^^ ^^ Not funny just offensive ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icepick239 Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 Who's gonna be kind and tell me the significance of:Registered (this I do know)But:HiddenGuestsBots Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EM Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 Guests are unregistered humans (or registered but not logged-in).Hidden are registered humans who have selected not to have their user name listed when accessing the site.Bots are indexing search agents from Google etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icepick239 Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 Guests are unregistered humans (or registered but not logged-in).Hidden are registered humans who have selected not to have their user name listed when accessing the site.Bots are indexing search agents from Google etc.Thanks EM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted July 21, 2010 Report Share Posted July 21, 2010 A female school teacher had been telling her class about the value of beingobservant and said, "Now children, look at the clock; what does the clockhave that I have too?" Little Marsha stood up and said, "It has a face." Little Maury raised his hand and said, "It has hands." "Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?" After a long silence, little Pauly rose and said, "You ain't got nopendulum, Miss." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted July 21, 2010 Report Share Posted July 21, 2010 Subject: Important Discoveries Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting,invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting,invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discoveredconversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, inventeddiet. Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, inventedmarriage. Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, man has neverrecovered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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