Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a

pool with his hand. The Scotsman man shouts "Awa ye feel hoor that's

full O' coos Sharn." (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow "poop".)

 

The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you."

 

The Scotsman man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in.

 

 

 

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Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

 

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me

terribly nervous."

 

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I

broke him of the habit."

 

"How?"

 

"I hid his teeth."

[Malcolm]

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut

a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for

a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a

young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not next to

him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked

a Largemouth Bass.

 

The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.

But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

 

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man

couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour

without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have

caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

 

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

 

"What was that?" the old man asked.

 

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

 

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

 

The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the

worms warm!"

[Malcolm]

seafaring

gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due

time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

 

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and

loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is

fer enuff out, Paddy?"

 

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing

in water up to his knees.

 

"Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."

 

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is

only up to his belly, so they row on.

 

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"

 

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No

dis'll neva do."

 

The water was only up to his chest.

 

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and

disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting

himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for

breath.

 

"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"

 

"Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel."

[Malcolm]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask

over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four

hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a

partial sponge bath.

 

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles

black?"

 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm

only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask

again,

 

"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

 

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his

testicles,

she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in

the other, lifting and moving

them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing

wrong with them, Sir !!"

 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very

closely..... .A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

[Malcolm]

Man robs a bank and takes hostages.

 

He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

The hostage answers yes. The robber shoots him dead.

 

He asks the second hostage if he too saw him rob the

bank. The second hostage says yes, and the robber

shoots him dead.

 

The robber goes up to the third hostage and asks him

if he saw him rob the bank.

 

The third hostage answers, "No, but my wife did."

[Malcolm]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

 

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

 

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

 

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even

had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well

make the most of it.

 

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While

crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

 

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had

another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the

ambulance?"

 

 

(You'll love this)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Oh yes you will"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

[Malcolm]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

 

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,

 

Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."

 

 

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Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

 

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

 

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

 

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"

[Malcolm]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

 

He asks, "What are you doing?"

 

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

 

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

 

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year".

[Malcolm]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."

 

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

[Malcolm]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon

 

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

 

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

 

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

 

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

[Malcolm]

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge

quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are

seeking a divorce."

 

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

 

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal

about a two-story house?"

 

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the

other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"

[Malcolm]

Little Pauly comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled

his hair.

 

"Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize

that pulling hair hurts."

 

A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.

 

This time the sister is bawling and Pauly shouts,

 

 

"She knows now!...."

[Malcolm]

During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading:

"Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

 

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to

the judge that paramedics were on their way.

 

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right

side of the room and explained, "I was thinking someone from

maintenance!"

[Malcolm]

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask

the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for

repairs to the church building.

 

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and

a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute

wanted to know what to play.

 

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have

to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the

finances."

 

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,

we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we

expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or

more, please stand up."

 

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

 

And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.

[Malcolm]

THE DUEL In bygone days, a thin man insulted a rather heavyset man. The

heavyset man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.

 

On the day of the duel, a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held

by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin

man came up with a solution...

 

"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his

opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we

won't count."