Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[kermit]

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

 

 

 

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Glaswegian youngsters.

 

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from The Gorbals were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

 

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Glaswegian pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower!

[GypsyScy]

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

 

An attractive blonde from the west of Ireland arrived at the

casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

 

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON , I WON !'

 

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

 

The other answered,

'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

 

MORAL OF THE STORY -

 

Not all Irish are drunks,

not all blondes are dumb,

but all men...are men.

[Malcolm]

The Daily Blah....

 

 

 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes

harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they

were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are

oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over- sensitive woman.

 

My name is Ron......

 

Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took

"early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-

time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her

age.

 

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home

from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she

has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell

at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets

dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club

so eating dinner out is not a reasonable solution. I'm ready for some home

cooked grub when I hit that door.

 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not

unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do

what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that

they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem

to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot. I consider "telling

people what they ought to do" to be one of my strong points.

 

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more

quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Some-times she says she

just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of

this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing

to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear

to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or

to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her

to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little

more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog,

vacuuming or dusting.

 

Also, if I've had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy,

my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know... get the grit off

the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My

golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are

delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But,

I did tell her I don't like to be awakened during my after-golf nap, so

rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's

finished.

 

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say

that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during

her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile

and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even

three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her

that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you

know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She

had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try

not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,

cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, as

long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me,

too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way, she can talk with me

until I fall asleep.

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm

not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find

it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do

how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you

just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because

of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After

all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

Signed, Ron

 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday Feb. 3. He was found with a

Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his butt, with

only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-

woman jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it, and she was

released on Friday, Feb 4.

[Malcolm]

Sunday school teacher: "Now, children I have just described all the

wonderful things you can expect in Heaven. Hands up all those who want to

go there."

 

All the children put up their hands up, except for Pauly.

 

Teacher: "Pauly, why don't you want to go the Heaven?"

 

Pauly: "I'd like to go, Miss, but my mom said I I had to come straight home

after school."

[Guest Anonymous]

Far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Although he was entranced Nick the Dragon Slayer knew the penalty for his desire would be death should he try and touch them.

 

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

 

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being to the Royal Chambers to address this problem, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

 

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the real antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left, satisfied and touted as a hero.

 

Upon returning to his chambers, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 goild coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told Horatio the Physician to get lost.

 

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer....

 

The moral of the story......PAY YOUR BILLS!!!!!

[Guest Anonymous]

A joke that the women folk will enjoy

 

 

 

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them.

 

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

 

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

 

Eve smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

 

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

 

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

 

"Brains", said God

[Medziotojas]

Whats green, has four legs, and if it falls on you from a tree can kill you?

 

 

A pool table

[Malcolm]

Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be

retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God brought boils,

locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of

this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions, Pharaoh refused to let the

Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was

inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after

this tragedy did the Pharaoh relent and let the Jews leave slavery and

Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.

 

This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the

Pharaoh, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to release

the Jews after the first nine plagues.

 

It took eight years of research by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned

psychiatrist, to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those

years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once

found, it was obvious. The Pharaoh was still in de Nile.

[Malcolm]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old

tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to

clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule

to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his

face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun

in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

 

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old

man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and

said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old

fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping

around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be

tied.

 

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,

holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old

man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and

cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert

air.

 

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the

sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost

deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer

and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

 

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he

quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

 

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ..... but... I've always

wanted to."

 

There are a few lessons for us all here: Never be arrogant. Don't waste

ammunition. Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. Always,

always make sure you know who has the power. Don't mess with old men, they

didn't get old by being stupid.

 

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[Malcolm]

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his

friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance,

he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

 

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a

situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no

hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you

hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another

man, shot them both, then turned the gun on himself."

 

"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

 

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"

 

"Well," said Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now."

[Malcolm]

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!

NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

 

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

 

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

 

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

 

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

 

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

 

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

 

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

 

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

 

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

 

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

 

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

 

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

 

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

 

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

 

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

 

 

What happened?'

 

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...

 

 

Today you voted.'

[trout]

http://www.google.co.uk/intl/en/landing/translateforanimals/tour.html

[Malcolm]

Boy, I'm rich!

 

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Stones in the Kidneys

 

Sugar in the Blood.

 

Lead in the Feet.

 

Iron in the Arteries

 

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

 

 

 

I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

[Malcolm]

There was a bear and a rabbit who hated each other and one day, walking through the forest they lived in they found a magical lamp.

 

After a bit of fighting over it the bear took it and rubbed it, hoping for a genie to come out.

 

When the genie came out of his lamp he promised the bear and the rabbit three wishes each for releasing him from his lamp.

 

The bear immediately said “I want all the bears in this forest to be femaleâ€

 

The genie granted his wish.

 

The rabbit thought about what to ask for a while and finally said “I want a motorbike helmetâ€.

 

The helmet appeared in front of him and he promptly put it on his head.

 

The bear was confused about the rabbit’s wish but carried on with his second wish. “I want all the bears from the neighbouring forests to be femaleâ€.

 

The rabbit then said “I want a motorbikeâ€.

 

The bear just couldn’t believe how strange the rabbit’s wishes were and shaking his head wished “I want all the bears in the world to be female†and the genie granted his wish.

 

The rabbit got on his new bike and rode off, and when he was some 50 meters away from the bear he yelled “I wish that the bear was gay!

[Malcolm]

A wife says to her husband, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"

 

 

He says,

"I'd take half, then leave you."

 

 

"Excellent," she replies,

"I won twenty quid, here's Tenner - now F*** off!"