Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[cbroscar]

Its no a joke but i thought it wiz funny but here it is,

 

Here i sit in misty vapour, in a sharn-house with no paper,

I have no time to sit and linger,

So watch out squeeky clean poop tube here comes finger!

[Malcolm]

Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate e-

mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him

straight.

 

I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you've

forgotten, spell checker comes free with your soft-ware."

 

A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."

[Malcolm]

A tour group stopped at the Tower of London. A man from Prague and another

from Athens got into a dispute. They decided to settle the matter using the

accoutrements at hand. They donned armor and chain mail, while the rest of

the group crowded around.

 

But the onlookers couldn't tell one from the other. "Is that the guy from

the Czech Republic wearing the armor?" asked one tourist.

 

"No," replied another, "the Greek is in the armor. The Czech is in the

mail."

[Guest Anonymous]

got sent this one by one of my more liberal friends.

 

glad to see he's finaly coming round

 

 

 

 

SCHOOL -- 1957 v 2009

 

Scenario :

Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,

pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

 

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

 

2009 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

 

Scenario:

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

 

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

 

2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

 

Scenario:

Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

 

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

 

2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

 

Scenario :

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

 

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

 

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

 

Scenario :

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

 

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

 

2009 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

 

Scenario :

Pedro fails high school English.

 

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

 

2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

 

Scenario :

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

 

1957 - Ants die.

 

2009- State Police, Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

 

Scenario :

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

 

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

 

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[Malcolm]

A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get it

to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to a vet for

advice.

 

The vet tells him that the parrot's beak is too long which is preventing

him from speaking. He says that he can file it down for $100.

 

The parrot's owner thought that was rather expensive and wondered aloud if

he could just file it down himself.

 

The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure and must be done by

a trained professional. If he does not file enough, the bird still wont be

able to talk, but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking

his water.

 

The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot.

 

Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is

looking rather down. He inquires about the parrot and the man replies that

his parrot is dead.

 

"Did you try to file his beak down yourself?" asked the vet. The man nods

his head.

 

"And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?"

 

"No," replied the parrot's owner, "he was dead when I took his head out of

the vice."

[Malcolm]

A college student, broke, of course, was having trouble with his car. Since

it was something he couldn't readily identify, he was forced to take it to

a garage and have a mechanic look at it.

 

The mechanic looked at it a couple of minutes and said, "What you really

need is the radiator cap solution."

 

"Oh," said the poor student, trying not to sound too confused, "You mean

the radiator cap isn't holding enough pressure?"

 

"That's part of the problem." replied the mechanic. "But what you really

need to do is lift off the radiator cap and drive another car under it.

Then, when you replace the radiator cap, your problem will be solved."

[Malcolm]

A popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local card shop, looked

around, then approached the clerk. "Do you have any, like, real special

birthday cards?" she asked.

 

"Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's a new one. It's

inscribed, "To the Man Who Was My First"

 

"Wow, neat!" she squealed. "I'll take the whole box."

[Malcolm]

A couple walked into a tourist shop in Jamaica. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex."

 

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

 

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

 

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the de wrong feet man! You got dem on de wrong feet!"

[Malcolm]

One day Little Johnny walks up to his Mom and says, "Mommy, is God Black or White?"

 

She replies, "Well, Honey, God is both Black and White."

 

Then he says, "Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?"

 

"God is both a boy and a girl, Honey," she replies.

 

"Mommy, is God gay or straight?" he inquires again.

 

Getting a little irritated, the mother replies, "Well, Honey, God is both gay and straight."

 

After thinking for a moment, Johnny looks up and asks, "Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?"

[JustMe]

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest

 

element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium

 

(Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons,

 

and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

 

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which

 

are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

 

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be

 

detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into

 

contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that

 

would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4

 

years to complete.

 

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 – 6 years. It does not

 

decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of

 

the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,

 

Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each

 

reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming

 

isodopes.

 

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to

 

believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a

 

critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as

 

critical morass.

 

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium,

 

an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it

 

has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[Para Handy]

Most unfortunate names

 

Justin Case

Stan Still

Terry Bull

Paige Turner

Mary Christmas

Anna Sasin

Doug Hole

Hazel Nutt

Rose Bush

Anna Prentice

Annette Curtain

Bill Board

Dr Leslie Doctor

Daisy Picking

Esther Munday

Jo King

A Burke

Ivy Plant

 

 

My name was Susan Frame. I am a lawyer. I met and married Robert who is a banker. His surname is Mee. Now we are Sue Mee, a lawyer, and Rob Mee, a banker - ironic? I have taken no end of stick for this, believe me.

Susan Mee, Doncaster

[snow]

Rt Hon David Miliband MP

Secretary of State.

Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),

Nobel House

17 Smith Square

London

SW1P 3JR

 

 

 

16 July 2009

 

 

 

Dear Secretary of State,

 

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs.. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

 

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

 

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

 

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

 

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

 

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

 

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

 

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

 

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

 

 

Yours faithfully,

 

 

Nigel Johnson-Hill

[Guest Anonymous]

A bloke came up to me the other day and and asked me to open my left hand, I was taken aback (but he was rather dishy so i did as he asked). He then said 'you have had a parrot in that hand', I replied I certainly have not. he then asked to see my right hand, I opened my right hand and he replied, 'My god, you have even had a parrot in that hand'. He then quickly asked me to open my mouth.

 

Without thinking I did.....He let out a rather loud laugh and shouted....

 

'Yeah, you have even had a cockatoo, in there as well'.

 

I could not argue with him there LOL

[MaxFusion]

A man plays golf every sunday.

says to his wife " I'm off"

Gets his bag, opens the door and it's pissing down.

Thinks F**k it and gets back into bed and slips his wife one from behind.

She moans and wakes up.

He says "it's pissing down out there"

she replies " and that stupid barsteward is playing golf!"

[Malcolm]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought

she might need a hearing aid.

 

Not quite sure how to approach her on the subject, he called the family

doctor to discuss the problem.

 

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could

perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

 

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her

and say something in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears

you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a

response."

 

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the

lounge. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what

happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

No response.

 

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and

repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

Still no response.

 

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife

and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

Again he gets no response.

 

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for

dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

Ralph!, for the FIFTH time, - it's CHICKEN!"