Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

 

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

 

Those who remained talked about their kids.

 

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday...'

 

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

 

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer... Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

 

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations

for?'

 

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.. ..What about your son?'

 

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

 

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

 

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.

 

And he hasn't done too bad either.

 

His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends

[Malcolm]

Marry had ac little lamb

She tied it to a pylon.

2000 volts went up its ass

and turned its wool to nylon.

[Malcolm]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher.

 

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

 

The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go into that field over there," as he points out the location.

 

 

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying,

 

..." Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

 

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

 

"See this badge?

 

This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.

 

No questions asked or answers given.

 

Have I made myself clear?

 

Do you understand? "

 

 

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

 

 

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

 

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.

 

The officer is clearly terrified.

 

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

 

 

 

 

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "

[Malcolm]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

 

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

 

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

 

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

 

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

 

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[oddtablet]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

 

Picking up the urn that he was in,

 

she poured him out on the patio table..

 

 

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started "talking" to him....

 

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

 

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

 

"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

 

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,

 

"Remember that diamond ring you promised me?

 

Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

 

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,

 

"Remember that b**w job I promised you?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Here it comes."

[oddtablet]

1981 & 2005 -

 

Two Interesting Years

 

Interesting Year 1981

 

1. Prince Charles got married

 

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

 

3. Australia lost the Ashes.

 

4. The pope died

 

 

Interesting Year 2005

 

1. Prince Charles got married

 

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

 

3. Australia lost the Ashes.

 

4. The pope died

 

 

 

Lesson to be learned:

 

The next time Charles gets married,

 

someone warn the Pope.

[TeeAyBee]

Lesson to be learned:

 

The next time Charles gets married,

 

someone warn the Pope.

 

And put a grand on England to win the Ashes with Liverpool as the Champs of Europe as a double!

[Malcolm]

Friend of mines son was on a List D school trip to the safari park. In one enclosure two neds snuck out the back for a fag.

Landrover pulls up and the warden shouts

" get back in..the lions ... the lions!" .

One ned turns round and shouts.

"We're no gonny touch yer f*****g lions!"

[mclaffalot]

Got this een today !!

 

SHETLAND ! what a wonderful place , where else in the world can you get a great sh*g , a delicious bowl of reestit mutton soup and a lovely warm jumper............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...All from the same animal !!!!!!

[oddtablet]

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this

 

HUGE black guy standing next to him.

 

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7

feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

 

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

 

The big guy kneels down and brings him back to life, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

 

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

 

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give

you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7

feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles

weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

 

 

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, …I thought you said

Turn Around.."

 

[Malcolm]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

 

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

 

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'

 

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

 

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large

bedsprings and a duck caller.

 

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

 

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he

had said, to her hands and knees.

 

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

 

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

 

'You vill please to blow zis duck kwacker as I make love to you.'

 

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She

finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced al l over the room by the

energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is

the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several

minutes before she has enough breath to say,

 

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

 

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....

 

Four-sprung

Duck technique

[Malcolm]

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world.

 

After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.

 

It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.

 

The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven.

 

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple: "Who is it?"

"It's Paul"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Paul?"

"Hashish from Morocco"

"Very well son, come in."

 

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia"

"Very well son, come in."

 

"Who is it?"

"It's Matthew"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

"Very well son, come in."

 

"Who is it?"

"It's John"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York"

"Very well son, come in."

 

"Who is it?"

"It's Luke"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Luke?"

"Speed from Amsterdam"

"Very well son, come in."

 

"Who is it?"

"It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door.

What did you bring Judas?"

"The DRUG SQUAD.... EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!!"

[Lastditch]

Was LOL for real with that joke. Well done.

[Malcolm]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -

shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

 

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down

and tells her she isn't going.

 

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

 

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the

bar drinking a glass of wine.

 

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into

letting you go?"

 

"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I was

sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands

over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

 

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.

He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with

perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over.............On the

bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the

bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

 

So here I am

[Malcolm]

At the conclusion of the physical exam, the doctor summoned his patient

into his office with a very grave look on his face.

 

"I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid

you've only got about 6 months to live."

 

"Oh my God" gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in he said,

"Listen Doc, you've known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to

how I could make the most of my remaining months?"

 

"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.

 

Fred explained that he had been a bachelor his whole life.

 

"You might think about taking a wife," the doctor proposed. "After all

you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness."

 

"That's a good point Doc," mused Fred. "And with only 6 months to live I

better make the most of my time."

 

"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor.

 

When Fred nodded, he said, "Marry a Jewish girl."

 

"A Jewish girl? How come?" asked Fred.

 

"It'll seem longer."