Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his new wife: "Honey,

I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news: I got

£25,000.00 severance pay!"

 

His wife said: "£25,000.00 in severance pay? That's great! Now, what's the

bad news?"

 

He said: "Wait till you hear what was severed!"

[Malcolm]

During his wedding rehearsal, a groom approached the pastor with an unusual

offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When

you get to me and the part where I promise to love, honor and obey and

forsaking all others, be faithful to my wife forever, I'd appreciate it if

you'd just leave that part out."

 

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of

the wedding, the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony

where the vows are exchanged. When it came time for the groom's vows, the

pastor looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise to

prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her

breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God

that you will not ever even look at another woman as long as you both shall

live?"

 

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

 

Then the groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a

deal."

 

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me

a much better offer."

[Malcolm]

The Honeymoon

 

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

 

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

 

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy.."

 

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

 

"Tiger Woods."

 

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

 

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

 

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

 

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

 

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

 

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

 

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

 

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

 

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

 

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 

"He'd come back to bed and do it again.."

 

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

 

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

 

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

 

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[oddtablet]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,

and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word

'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I

was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I

wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had

been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word

'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs

are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[mucklejo]

I have a chat up line that works every time It doesn't matter how gorgeous and out of my league they are. It's a winner and I always end up in bed with them.

 

"Excuse me love. Could I ask your opinion please? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

 

[bug]

Alert Levels around the globe.

 

 

THE ENGLISH are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

 

THE SCOTS raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the boobalubes" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

 

THE FRENCH government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are

"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

 

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. ITALY has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

THE GERMANS also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

 

BELGIANS, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

 

THE SPANISH are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

AMERICANS meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies. Just in case.

 

NEW ZEALAND has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "turd, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

 

AUSTRALIA , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation level remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[bug]

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner.

 

Finally it is agreed to meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant

because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

 

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group discusses where they

should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the

Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine

selection is also good.

 

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group discusses where they

should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the

Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

 

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group discusses where they

should meet. It is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen

because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an

elevator.

 

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discusses

where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet

at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.

[Malcolm]

Subject: Stolen Watch

 

"I had a watch stolen from under my nose last night." cried blonde Mitzi.

 

"Wow," replied equally blonde Bitzi. "That's really weird!"

 

"What's weird about it?" questioned Mitzi.

 

"Well!" exclaimed Bitzi. "Under your nose is a really weird place to wear

a watch!"

[Malcolm]

Subject: No Tact Nurse

 

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office

with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

 

The old gentleman approached the receptionist desk.

 

The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He

gave her his name.

 

In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here. You

want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"

 

The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around, to look

at the very embarrassed man.

 

The old gent recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice

replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... And, I'd

like the same doctor that did yours!"

[Malcolm]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The

girl said, 'NO !'

 

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing

and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons

of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he

wanted.

[Malcolm]

Three guys, more than a little inebriated, are chatting at the bar and one

says, "If you were to give your wife an Indian name, what will it be? I'll

start: I'd call my wife 'White Feather' because she is as light as a

feather."

 

The second guy says, "I'd call my wife 'White Cloud' because she is as

beautiful as a cloud in the sky."

 

The third guy says, "I'd call my wife 'Four Horses.'"

 

"Four Horses?" Wonder the other two guys. "Why?"

 

Third guy: "Nag. Nag. Nag. Nag."

[Malcolm]

A young boy arrived to Sunday School class late. His teacher knew that the

boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

 

The boy replied, "No, I was going to go fishing, but my dad told me that I

needed to go to church instead."

 

The teacher was very impressed and asked, "Did your father explain to you

WHY it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?"

 

"Yes he did." replied the boy. "My dad said that he didn't have enough

bait for both of us."

[Malcolm]

Lesson of life

 

Lesson One:

 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?

 

"The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

 

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Management Lesson:

 

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

 

 

Lesson Two:

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull.. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

 

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. " They're packed with nutrients."

 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 

Management Lesson:

 

Bull Poop might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

 

Lesson Three:

 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

 

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

Management Lesson:

 

(1) Not everyone who poops on you is your enemy.

 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of poop is your friend..

 

(3) And when you're in deep poop, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

This ends the three minute management course.

[filskadacat]

^^ Malcolm dear - I'm sure you gave us this one about a year ago...

[Malcolm]

^^ Malcolm dear - I'm sure you gave us this one about a year ago...

 

I liked it so much I re-posted it for da newbies