Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

Three Holy Men and a Bear

 

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as Chaplains at a local university. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

 

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

 

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

 

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss the experience.

 

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

 

"Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and; Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. He said "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like that, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

 

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[Malcolm]

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said, “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.

 

He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don’t let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. It will disgrace the family.â€

 

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted, “Grandma, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced his family instead.â€

[Malcolm]

Subject: married for 66 years

 

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing - 66 years!" I

said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well," he

replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions and the woman

just makes the little decisions." "Really?" I responded. "Does that really

work?" "Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big

decision!"

[Malcolm]

Subject: Apparently He Knew Too Much!

 

"I can't believe that you and Claire are splitting up," said John to his

friend Pete. "I've always thought of you as the perfect couple, that you'd

be together forever. Surely you can sort things out, it can't be that bad,

can it?"

 

"Well" explained Pete, "We were driving through a red light district last

night when Claire said: "Oh look, it's one of those hookers, or prossies,

or whores or whatever you call them."

 

And I said: 'It's Kelly. Her name is Kelly.'"

 

John fell silent for a moment, and then said: "So who do you think will get

to keep the house?"

[Malcolm]

Subject: Golden Age infidelity

 

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-

old husband in bed with another woman.

 

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th

floor, assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly.

 

She was brought before the court on the charge of murder.

 

The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

 

She began coolly, "Your Honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex,

he could also fly."

[Malcolm]

Subject: Doctor Quickie

 

Lou goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well. The doctor

runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in. The doctor says,

"Lou, sit down. I've got some bad news. You don't have much time to live."

Lou is obviously upset about this, but asks, "How much longer do I have

doc?"

 

The doctor says, "10."

 

Lou says, "10 what? 10 weeks...10 months...10 years?"

 

The doctor replies, "9...8...7..."

[Malcolm]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting

at the kitchen table with a large tumbler of scotch in front of him. He appears

to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear

from his eye and takes a sip of his drink. "What's the matter, dear? she whispers

as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The

husband looks up from his drink, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,

and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband

paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father, the

cop, caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said

the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued, "Do

you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my

daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too", she

replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have

gotten out today."

[Malcolm]

Two monkeys in the bath. One says: "Oooo eee aaaa aaaa eee ooo eeee ooo ooo"

 

The other says: "So why don't you put some more cold water in then?"

[Malcolm]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch in Arizona.

 

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

 

The brunette balances their chequebook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

 

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to

tell her the news.

 

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

 

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

 

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."

 

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

 

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

[Malcolm]

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell If his bride is a virgin,as she claimed.

 

 

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a DIY shop.

 

A can of red paint, a can of blue paint.. And a shovel.'

 

Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'

 

 

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your b***s red and the other ball blue.

 

 

 

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of b***s I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel.'

[Malcolm]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

 

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

 

 

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

 

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[LandRover S2a]

When I was young I REALLY wanted a bright red bike so I went and asked my mother if I could get one from Santa

"Go and ask your father," was all she said

"Go and ask your mother," was all that he said upon my return.

As I was running between the two for about the thirteenth time I fell over and smacked my head on the coffee table. All I could hear through my brain pounding was my mother screaming, "YES! Fifteen love, my serve!

[ArabiaTerra]

King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

 

“This is no good, Merlin!†the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?â€

 

“Ah, sire, just observe,†said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

 

“Merlin, you are a genius!†said the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.â€

 

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

 

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal “short arm†inspection.

 

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

 

“Sir Galahad,†exclaimed King Arthur. “My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!â€

 

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

[gobby]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an

animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at

first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say

the following:

 

Emma come first. Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more!

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time.

 

The lady can't take this any more, You foul-mouthed sex obsessed

pig, she retorted indignantly!

 

In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!

 

Hey, coola down lady, said the man. Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a

justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '!

[Malcolm]

What's red and round and looks just like half a tomato?

.

.

.

.

.

....the other half.