Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

Three old timers turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all

drinks 10 pence.' They look at each other, and then go in, thinking

this is too good to be true.

 

 

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,

'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

 

 

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a

martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...

shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 pence each, please.'

 

 

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each

other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 pence,

finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent

martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 pence,

please.' They pay the 40 pence, but their curiosity is more than they

can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less

than a pound.

 

 

 

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as

good as these for 10 pence a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from York,' the bartender said, 'and I always

wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for £25 million and

decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10 pence - wine, liquor,

beer, it's all the same.'

 

 

 

'Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice

seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of

them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and

asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

 

 

 

 

 

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all friends of Forvik.

Waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.' :D

[sassermaet]

^^^ Good een!

[Para Handy]

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good). We always hear "the rules" from the female point of view... Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

 

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

 

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

 

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

 

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

 

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

 

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh

[Para Handy]

POSITION : Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma

 

JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

 

RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs £5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the Next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

 

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

 

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

 

WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

 

BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

 

Forward this on to all the Moms you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated ! !

 

LIFE IS NOT MEASURED BY THE BREATHS WE TAKE, BUT BY THE MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY.

[Malcolm]

A European cruise ship captain has to convince the passengers of his

sinking ship to jump overboard.

 

He has to use a different approach with each European.

 

He tells the English it would be unsporting of them not to jump.

 

He tells the French it would be the smart thing to do.

 

He tells the Germans that it is an order.

 

And he tells the Italians that jumping overboard is forbidden.

[Malcolm]

A five-year-old, the youngest of three children, was always asking

questions. One day he came home from kindergarten and asked his mother,

"Mommy, how many children did you want?"

 

Thinking for a minute, she looked at him and said, "Two."

 

He thought about this for a moment or two then said, "Me, and who else?"

[Malcolm]

Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the

police station. "What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks

Clem.

 

"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only

found two."

[Malcolm]

A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked

by the opposing attorney, who was a giant, six-foot-eight, what he did for

a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer.

 

"You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my

pocket."

 

"Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have

more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head.

[Malcolm]

It was a bit of a slow day on Mount Olympus, Zeus and the God of Thunder,

Thor, were shooting the breeze.

 

"The problem is, " said Thor, "I do feel a bit horny...."

 

"Well. Says Zeus,"you know what to do - but be a nice boy, as is your role

here on Olympus, OK?"

 

So Thor pops down to the Earth sphere, grabs a lady of the night and does -

in a godly fashion - what is required.

 

Next day, he bounds up to Zeus. "Hey - would you believe it - THIRTY ----

NINE ---- times !! - feels great !

 

"That's too much for the human beings, "says Zeus "go back and apologise,

right now!"

 

So Thor pops back, and finds his companion of the night before.

 

"Hey, I'm sorry" he says "you see I'm Thor..."

 

"You're Thor! " shouts the woman "I can't even pith!!!"

[Teenie3]

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but .... if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant (if we had one here!), you would get £214.

 

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

[Guest Anonymous]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

 

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. "An Ambulance just drove by."

 

"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike..." "Looks like the Sanders are moving out" "Jason is on his skate board..."

 

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

 

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

 

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle."

[Guest Anonymous]

The Fly

 

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

 

A hot dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

 

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

 

There was a bear on the shore thinking,"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

 

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

 

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.

 

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

 

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have mouse for lunch."

 

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water...

 

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish...

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse...

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

 

The moral of the story is....

 

Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy is probably in danger.

[Zog]

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

 

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I Want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook Than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover Than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

 

SHE GOT THE RAISE

[moorit]

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?

 

Teacher: no, of course not.

 

Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework

[Zog]

LONDON LAWYER

 

V GLASGOW COP (mismatch)

 

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

 

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

 

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

 

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

 

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

 

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and

 

registration, please"

 

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

 

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

 

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

 

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

 

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

 

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the turd out of the lawyer and says,

 

"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

 

 

Zog