Malcolm Posted March 14, 2009 Report Share Posted March 14, 2009 Q: What's the difference between Bernard Madoff and Gordon Brown? A: One has drained fortunes from gullible victims, plundering theirincome and savings to create an illusion of prosperity. The other isgoing to jail. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArabiaTerra Posted March 14, 2009 Report Share Posted March 14, 2009 ^^^^^ That would be funny, if it wasn't true ^^^^^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 15, 2009 Report Share Posted March 15, 2009 WARNING TO WOMEN ! No doubt you've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. My Sisters thighs were stolen from her during the night a few years ago. she went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.It was just that quick. She said the replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to hers? She spent the entire summer looking for her thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, She resigned herself to living out her life in jeans and then the bloody body thieves struck again. Her bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match her new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck her with earlier. But her new bum was attached at least three inches lower than the original! I realized She'd have to give up her jeans in favour of long skirts. Two years ago I realized her arms had been switched. One morning on a visit to our home she was drying her hair and was horrified to see the flesh of her upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - her body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to here next? When her poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell her story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from women! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you? THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. Last year she thought someone had stolen her Boobs. She was lying in bed and they were gone! But she said that when she jumped out of bed, she was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in her armpits as she slept. Now she keeps them hidden in her waistband. Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart. BTW - These same thieves come into her wardrobe and drawers and shrink her clothes! How do they do it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zog Posted March 16, 2009 Report Share Posted March 16, 2009 A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenthwedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such aspecial occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years' The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?' She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wigan ........................................................................................................... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lastditch Posted March 16, 2009 Report Share Posted March 16, 2009 Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's thesinging career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad.. How's the golf?"Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think aboutit. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of hisvoice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green orfarther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice.""But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice. Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than$10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Any night you want." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mickpacks the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them tendays to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me thebottle opener.''I didn't bring it,' says Les.. 'I thought you packed it.' Mick getsworried, He turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener??' NaturallyAlan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick andAlan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he says they will eatall the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives thatthey will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan starving, buta promise is a promise. Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each,and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock andshouts........ 'I KNEW IT...I'M NOT GOING!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 New Wine for Seniors? Vintners in the Stellenbosch valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed asPINO MORE! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 Heard about the unemployed exorcist? His house re-possessed... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tlady Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 ^^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 I really like this - GO TEACHERS AT MAROOCHYDORE HIGH SCHOOL! This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended !This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland , staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes. The outgoing message: Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2 To complain about what we do - Press 3 To swear at staff members - Press 4 To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8 To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 To complain about school lunches - Press 0 If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassermaet Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 That is hilarious made my night! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 Judy called the police. "My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my,"she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking ashower with his window shades up!" The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. Sheled the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window. "See what I mean,officer." The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the topof his head." Judy: "Fool, just put a chair on that dresser over there and stand onthat!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 21, 2009 Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with mobile phone. After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow, she's fat!The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet. A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out asfar as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue. Just then her phone begin to emit a "beep, beep, beep".The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's reversing!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddtablet Posted March 21, 2009 Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £10,000 loan to take a holiday.' Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.' She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?' (you're gonna love this) (its a real treat) (a masterpiece) (wait for it) The bank manager looks back at her and says... 'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 21, 2009 Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 Murder In a Tesco's Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying a single Pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 coin as down payment for the dirty deed.A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, she then slumped to the floor ............ The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, good ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headlinedeclared .... (You're going to hate me for this .... ) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > > 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT Tesco's !' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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