Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[sassermaet]

^^^ You've reminded me...

 

What's dumber than 2 blondes trying to build a house under the sea?

 

Two brunettes trying to set it on fire.

[Malcolm]

Winter Exercise program...

 

 

 

 

Take one Weetabix.

 

 

 

 

Take an Aero chocolate bar.

 

 

 

 

Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix.

 

Voila!

AEROBIX !

[MJ]

Ready Steady Goo Goo

 

Forget the baby books and get real. Here are ten ways to tell if you're prepared for parenthood.

By Colin Bowles

 

1. Women: To prepare yourself for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, take out ten percent of the beans.

 

Men: To prepare for maternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on to the counter and tell the assistant to help himself. Then go to the supermarket and arrange to have your salary paid directly to its head office.

 

2. To find out how the nights will feel, walk around the sitting room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing eight to twelve pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to bed. Get up at 12am and walk around the sitting room with the bag till 1am. Set the alarm for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45. Get up when the alarm goes off at 3am. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Set the alarm for 5am. Get up, make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

 

3. Hollow out a melon and make a small hole, roughly the size of a golf ball. With a piece of string, suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy weetabix and spoon it into the melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap. You are now ready to feed a twelve-month-old baby.

 

To prepare for toddlers, smear marmite and jam on all the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave for a couple of months.

 

4. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy a live octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus in the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

 

5. Forget the sports car and buy a Volvo. ...And don't think you can leave it out in the drive, spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Jam a fifty pence piece into the CD player. Mash a family sized pack of chocolate biscuits down the back seats, run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

 

6. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the lavatory for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again and walk down the front bath. Walk back up. Walk down again. Walk very slowly along the road for five minutes. Stop to inspect every cigarette end, piece of chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had so much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you. You are now ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

 

7. Go to the supermarket, taking with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child – a fully grown goat is ideal. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Do your weeks shopping without letting the goats out of sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy.

 

8. Learn the names of every character from Teletubbies or Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing “Postman Pat†in the bath, you qualify as a parent.

 

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

 

10.Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, potty training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it – it'll be the last time in your life you have all the answers.

[hellsbells]

Walking past a cemetry one day I seen four men carrying a coffin round and round. 3 hours later I saw the same men with the same coffin and I thought to myself my god they've lost the f***ing plot.

[Lastditch]

Walking past a cemetry one day I seen four men carrying a coffin round and round. 3 hours later I saw the same men with the same coffin and I thought to myself my god they've lost the f***ing plot.

 

 

That made me chuckle.

[oddtablet]

me too

[Malcolm]

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

 

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

 

The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."

 

The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."

 

The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"

 

The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

[Malcolm]

Little Johnny asks his father for a £200 bicycle for his birthday.

 

Johnny's father says, "We have an £800,000 mortgage on the house, and I

just got laid off! There won't be a £200 bike this year."

 

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his

belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

 

Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I

heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you

should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get

stuck with an £800,000 mortgage!"

[Malcolm]

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His

father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you

for one month!"

 

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a

butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

 

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run

across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up

to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

 

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her,

Dad, or do you want me to?"

[Malcolm]

A zookeeper says to Paddy

 

"The Gorilla is on heat & we need someone to mate with her.

 

We haven't got a male gorilla so we wondered if you would consider doing it for £5OO?"

 

Paddy replies "I will on three conditions, firstly; I don't kiss her,

secondly; my family will never get to know & thirdly; give me a couple

weeks to get the cash together!"

[Zog]

Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo walk through the enchanted forest and reach the magical castle whereupon they find the hall of the amazing mirrors. Snow white walks in and asks the mirror, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?". She comes out a few minutes later with a big smile on her face and tells the others, "I am the fairest one of all". Tom Thumb goes in and asks who the smallest one of all is and comes out with a big smile on his face. Quasimodo goes in and asks who is the ugliest one of all... All of a sudden Snow White and Tom Thumb hear yelling and the smashing of glass. Quasimodo storms out and snarls, "So who the f*** is Malcolm!

[Lastditch]

^^^

 

Nice one

[Malcolm]

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in heaven.

 

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

 

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

 

'Since you're a woman,' the doctor said, 'your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?' She hung up without answering.

 

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Suzanna]

^^

 

LOL that one made me chuckle Malcom, thanks for that

[Malcolm]

Samuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Months later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Samuel. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine."? asked the lawyer. Samuel responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I just put my hound (dog) into the...

 

"I didn't ask for details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just simply answer the question"

"Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.' ?"

Samuel again said, "Well, I just got my dog into the car and was driving down the road..."

 

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, A am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. I believe that he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Samuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog."

Samuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, like I was saying, I just loaded my dog , My loving hound, into the car and was driving with him down the highway, when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my car right on the side. I was thrown into a ditch and dog was thrown into a ditch on the other side. I was hurting badly and I couldn't move. However, I heard my dog moaning and groaning and I knew he was in bad shape just by his groans. Then a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear my dog moaning and groaning and he went over to him. After he looked at him he took out his gun and shoots him dead."

 

" Then the Patrolman comes across the road with the gun in his hand, and looks at me and says, "How are you feeling?"

 

Nu Judge, what would you say?"