Para Handy Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 I did post it but I had a sudden flashback to the last time I made a joke and a certain individual got upset then went and complained because she was more sensitive than I. If anyone wants it I'll pm it. PM me a copy JohanofNess Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tlady Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 ^^^ Class Malcolm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted November 4, 2009 Report Share Posted November 4, 2009 Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about ageing that you think in fractions. 'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. 'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ...... You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I was JUST 92.' Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!' May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted November 4, 2009 Report Share Posted November 4, 2009 A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed shehad bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want." He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through thepages. His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?" He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted November 4, 2009 Report Share Posted November 4, 2009 The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences outon the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Biblein its mouth! The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyesheavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted November 6, 2009 Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 By jings, it must be cauld theday, I swear I justsawacooncilor wi his hauns in his ain pocket! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted November 9, 2009 Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 Do you need glasses?? Look carefully at the picture below. http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Fun%20pics/Bum2.jpg Did you see the bare bum of the girl in the background? If you did see that in the picture, you need to have your eyes checked, as that is the shoulder of the girl holding the camera. ........ my appointment is at 2pm tomorrow![/img] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manxman Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 My friend Paddy from Donegal is heavily into animal rights, and is a keen hunt saboteur. Every time they schedule a meet, he goes out the night before and shoots the fox. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted November 18, 2009 Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trow87 Posted November 20, 2009 Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 i dunna ken why dere's been so much fuss aboot da thierry henry incident da idder night, frenchmen pittin dir hands up has been a national past-time since 1940! mild xenophobia's ok? no? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted November 20, 2009 Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 Sky are rumoured to be close to launching their own dedicated Scottish Channel later this month, and have previewed what they are intending to broadcast Here's a selection of the listed programmes: Sky Wan 9am News and whaur it's p****n doon 9.30am How claty is yer hoose? This week the ladies pay a visit to a man whose wife shot the craw only three days ago to find the entire hoose under five inches of stoor and the cludgy honkin o' pish 10am The Mags Hainey Show Early mornin chat show hosted by big Mags Hainey in which neds and Sengas settle their petty differences by screaming obscenities and attacking each other with furniture for the amusement of the viewing public. This morning's episode is entitled "Whaur's ma effin hoosekeepin money disappeared tae?" 12.30pm News and whaur it's pishin doon 1pm Neeburs Soap opera set in the village of Kinghorn in Fife . This week Archie accuses Morag of being in league with Lucifer and has her burned at the stake 2pm Film Angels wi Manky Coupons 4pm Tam the Tank Engine Tam goes aff the rails and the Fat Controller is chuffed tae bits 4.15pm Boab the Builder Reality show where Boab is investigated by the Inland Revenue 6pm News and whaur it's pi**in doon 7pm Doaktir Whae In this week's episode the Scottish time traveller takes the TARDIS back tae 1966 and breks Geoff Hurst's legs wae a sonic Glesca screwdriver 7.30pm Torn Faced Cockney Plonkers Eastenders wi' subtitles. In tonight's episode, Pauline gets her jotters fae the steamie while the rest o' the cast stoat aboot wi' faces the length o' Leith Walk 9pm Fitba Player's Burds Drama surrounding the players of fourth division Auchtermuchty Rovers and their off-pitch antics. This week Boaby is worried that the club is facing relegation. 10pm News and whaur it's pi**in doon 12.30am Merrit Wi Weans Re-make of the popular American sit-com 'Married With Children.' 1.30am The Beechgrove Back-Green The boys plans tae dae up a gairdin in Niddrie are scuppered when local neds eff off wi the wheelbarra 2.15am Close Doon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shetlandpeat Posted November 21, 2009 Report Share Posted November 21, 2009 Hedgehogs. Can they not share? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 You have to be very careful how you explain things to kids!!!!!!!!!!! A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Para Handy Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 How about the new cake. That’s for menopausal woman.It’s a very, very dry cake as there was not enough eggs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanna Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 ^^^^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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