Zog Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to seeher husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheepshagger Posted August 10, 2009 Report Share Posted August 10, 2009 (*** mod - deleted; please review our T&Cs, etc ***) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shetlandpeat Posted August 13, 2009 Report Share Posted August 13, 2009 Those who fart in church, sit in their own "pew"... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left forManhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference,coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed hispapers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent overto retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertentlyfarted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through theroom andreverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehowregained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored theresounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen inhis home town again. Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visither. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived undercover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?" Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here andreceived my education here, but then I moved away." Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thinghappened and since then I've been too ashamed to return." The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience,one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to meisn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incidenttoo." Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 A man takes his seat in the theater, but he is too far from the screen. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch amystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsometip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man rewards him with 20p. The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisperto the man, "The wife did it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 A man visits a friend recovering from flu, who says it's been awonderful experience. "How so?" "I've found out how much my wife loves me - she's been so pleased tohave me home." "How do you know?" "Well, every time the postman, the milkman or the dustman comes by, sheruns out shouting "My husband's home! My husband's home!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned aroundand returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a strange noise he heard in the engine," sheexplained. "Oh, and it took a while to fix it," said the passenger. "Not exactly." replied the stewardess, "It just took us a bit to find adeaf pilot." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 A Minister was testing children in a Dublin Sunday school class to see if theyunderstood the concept of getting to heaven. He asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale andgave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kepteverything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile. ' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all thechildren, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?' A six year-old boy shouted out " YUV GOTTA BE DEAD........ .." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted August 18, 2009 Report Share Posted August 18, 2009 A new scientific element is found. Recent research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic Mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years; It does not decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentiumis formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GypsyScy Posted August 20, 2009 Report Share Posted August 20, 2009 There were two nuns.. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM : Oh, dear! What did you do? SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 In flight event - reported in a recent BA flight log After British Airways flight BA293 reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is John Stirk - your captain for today. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York JFK to Manchester . The weather ahead is good, and we have a following jet-stream, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight,arriving 30 minutes before our scheduled landing time. So sit back, relax and ............ OH, JESUS CHRIST!" Absolute petrified silence followed from all the 225 passengers! A few seconds later, the captain came back on the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!" One relieved passenger broke the silence, and shouted back: "You should see the back of mine mate!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Para Handy Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing newDrive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cashwithout leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilisethis facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored tobest reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings. PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS: 1. Drive up to the ATM2. Open the car window3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt6. Close window7. Drive away PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS: 1. Drive up to the ATM2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM3. Re-start stalled engine4. Open the car window5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card6. Turn radio down7. Attempt to insert card into ATM8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM9. Insert card10. Re-insert card the right way up11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"13. Enter PIN14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press "enter"17. Retrieve cash and receipt18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside19. Place receipt in back of cheque book20. Re-check make-up21. Drive forward two meters22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind23. Retrieve card24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot25. Drive two or three kilometers26. Release hand brake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piggywiggie Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Haha Malcom where do you get the jokes?! I have been wetting myself laughing for aaaaaaaaaaaaaages! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Glad to be of service ;0) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piggywiggie Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 no seriously where do ya get them from so I can email them to my partner so he can send it round his work ahhahaa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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