Malcolm Posted December 24, 2009 Report Share Posted December 24, 2009 Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a thirdfrom the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whosesoldiers were the bravest. To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman!Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder',and then jump off!" "YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot,scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the groundat attention. The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general. "Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES,SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole,balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off. "YES SIR!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weaponhigh over his head, and completes the task perfectly. "Now that's courage!" says the admiral. "Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!" "YES SIR!" replies the private. "Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale thatflagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem,salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first." "YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task. "Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!" They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says. "YES SIR!" "Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only onehand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', putyour knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst." The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "F*** Y**SIR!" The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddtablet Posted December 24, 2009 Report Share Posted December 24, 2009 Dan was a single man living at home with his widowed father, working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but soon, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three weeks later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddtablet Posted December 24, 2009 Report Share Posted December 24, 2009 A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.†'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer†the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.†Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!†she shouts, “I'll take care of this!†She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?†and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted December 25, 2009 Report Share Posted December 25, 2009 1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. 3. If they can put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander-- it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted December 26, 2009 Report Share Posted December 26, 2009 Since his little affairs have come to light, several of Tiger Woods' sponsors have dropped him. However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him for their new product. It's a new drug called Tiagra. It's good for 18 holes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Para Handy Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 A teacher who is on his last day before retirement, is walking up to the door of his last class after dinnertime. And hears a lot of shouting and ruckus from inside the classroom. He opens the door and walks in and tells them to shut up. And he then sees the three boys who have had made his life a misery, for the past year. Sitting in a row of desks, on the left hand side of the room, as the noise subsides. Two girls can still be heard, arguing about being English or Scottish. Eventually on girl decides to ask him for the answer. The teacher walks up to the three boys sitting on the left and points at each one in turn and replies with the following statement in English first and Scottish second. Pointing at boy oneLarge Shi'ite Boy twoSmall Shi'ite Boy threeCan’t Shi'ite Then he goes down to the first boy again and repeats Pointing at boy oneBig Jobbie Boy twoWee Jobbie Boy threeCanny Jobbie And walks out of the classroom with a big smile on his face Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 7, 2010 Report Share Posted January 7, 2010 Pauly and one Maury are co-workers. One Monday morning Pauly startedboasting to Maury about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Maury admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Pauly looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, andthen I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I madelove to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I did it for athird time. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull,I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Maury. So that night he made love to his wife, tooka ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up andmade love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. Hewoke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to theoffice, where his boss growled at him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working in this office for twentyyears and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twentyminutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the hell were you onTuesday and Wednesday? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 7, 2010 Report Share Posted January 7, 2010 The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a Stop button. He rambled on andon and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him.It missed, and hit the Chairman instead. As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heardto murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 7, 2010 Report Share Posted January 7, 2010 A man bought a large tract of wasteland and within a year, turned it into athriving produce farm. The local pastor stopped by and complimented the manon his impressive progress. Then he added, "Wondrous things can surelyhappen when man and God work together." "Amen," said the man, "but you should've seen the place when God wasrunning it alone." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 7, 2010 Report Share Posted January 7, 2010 A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was apicture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrellagreen. Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truckred. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Johnny, how many times have yousee a red duck?" Little Johnny replied, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holdingan umbrella." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tlady Posted January 7, 2010 Report Share Posted January 7, 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnSaxon Posted January 7, 2010 Report Share Posted January 7, 2010 A few dreadful puns which turned up on Keelynet over the holiday: 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.""That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.""Is it common?""Well, It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.""I don't believe you," says Dolly."It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse."But why," they asked, as they moved off."Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large. 21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. (Apologies if any of these have come up before, but I haven't the time to read all 57 pages ... ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clanchief Posted January 7, 2010 Report Share Posted January 7, 2010 True story heard on the radio today _ A guy was on holiday in Nazareth at Xmas and went to midnight mass - before the service started, the priest advised the congregation not to close their eyes during prayers as the church was full of pickpockets - made me lol anyway Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Para Handy Posted January 8, 2010 Report Share Posted January 8, 2010 A thick female MP, who was working as a call girl on the side. And not understanding money that well. Was charging men on what weight there genitals were. The heavier the said equipment, the more money you had to pay her. But this may be just hear say because even after a winning a lotto jackpot. I don’t have enough money to pay her to find out personally Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
humptygrumpty Posted January 9, 2010 Report Share Posted January 9, 2010 An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered: 'Is that one word, or two?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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