KOYAANISQATSI Posted June 11, 2007 Report Share Posted June 11, 2007 What do you do with 365 used condoms? Make them into a tyre and call it a good year. -------------------------What do you call a dog with no hind legs and iron balls? Sparky. --------------------------"In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity fromemployees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained throughour program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T) We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If youfeel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, pleasesee your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of theS.H.I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you getall the S. H. I. T. you can handle. Employees who dont take their S. H. I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTALEMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go toEMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T). Since our supervisors tookS.H.I.T before they were promoted, they dont have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may beinterested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASICUNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T). For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management andconsulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONALRESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manageM.O.R.E. S.H.I.T If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T). Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T) P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to a few people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They have already hadtheir fill of S.H.I.T Thank you for your time. Sincerely, The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.(TheD.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)." ---------------------A man is in the doctor's office & the doctor says; "Sir you'll have to stop masterbating"The man replies; "Why? will i go blind?"And the doctor says; "No! it's annoying the other patients in the waiting room." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxy71 Posted June 12, 2007 Report Share Posted June 12, 2007 A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of thecar salesroom.Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying thewind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought ashe flew down the fast lane, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal evenmore.Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, bluelights flashing and siren blaring."I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcaseas he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought,"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulledover to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up withhim.Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver'sside of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you cangive me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'lllet you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringingher back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxy71 Posted June 13, 2007 Report Share Posted June 13, 2007 59 & PREGNANT A woman went to the doctor's office, where she wasseen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes inThe examination room, the doctor told her she waspregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down thehall.An older doctor stopped her and asked what theproblem was, and she told him her story. Afterlistening, he had her sit down and relax in anotherroom.The doctor marched down the hallway to the backwhere the first doctor was and demanded, "What's thematter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she hasfour grown children and seven grandchildren, and youtold her she was pregnant?"The new doctor continued to write on his clipboardand without looking up said, "Does she still havethe hiccups?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Para Handy Posted June 13, 2007 Report Share Posted June 13, 2007 Three Men sitting in a bar when a phone rings. The First man puts his finger in his ear and talks to his wife. Then he stops talking and says to the man next to him my new Nokia phone they put the chip in the point of my finger. They all get back to there pints. 5 minutes later a Phone rings again. The second man stocks his finger up his nose and speaks to his wife. And says that Sony Ericsson had put the chip in his nose. He picks up his pint to take a drink when the third man brakes wind. The other two turn to look at him when they see him put his hands down the back of his pants to his bum and take out a piece of paper. He looks at the other too and says Siemen had put a fax machine in his Poop hole Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted June 14, 2007 Report Share Posted June 14, 2007 Q: "Man on riverbank" Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?A: No.Reply: Good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted June 14, 2007 Report Share Posted June 14, 2007 Q: Why don't snakes bite solicitors?A: Professional courtesy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted June 14, 2007 Report Share Posted June 14, 2007 Q: How can you tell the difference between an lawyer lying dead in the roadand a hedgehog lying dead in the road? A: With the hedgehog, you usually see skid marks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted June 14, 2007 Report Share Posted June 14, 2007 Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: How many can you afford? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted June 14, 2007 Report Share Posted June 14, 2007 Q: What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?A: An offer you can't understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnSaxon Posted June 15, 2007 Report Share Posted June 15, 2007 Oh, Malcolm, what have you started? Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors.Bad News: There were three empty seats. Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?A: A Doberman pinscher. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?A: Cut the rope. It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets. What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?The rooster clucks defiance. Q: How was copper wire invented?A: Two lawyers arguing over a penny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnSaxon Posted June 15, 2007 Report Share Posted June 15, 2007 A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim,and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Medziotojas Posted June 15, 2007 Report Share Posted June 15, 2007 The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked. A man went to a brain store to get some brains to complete a study. He saw a sign remarking on the quality of professional brains offerred at this particular brain store. He then questioned the butcher about the cost of these brains. "How much does it cost for an engineer's brain?" "Three dollars an ounce." "How much does it cost for a programmer's brain?" "Four dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer's brain?" "$1,000 an ounce." "Why is a lawyer's brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?" A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed. A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!" The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Medziotojas Posted June 15, 2007 Report Share Posted June 15, 2007 What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon? The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes. What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only two, all the rest are true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnSaxon Posted June 15, 2007 Report Share Posted June 15, 2007 An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnSaxon Posted June 15, 2007 Report Share Posted June 15, 2007 Useful definitions: A philosopher is a blind man in a dark cellar at midnight, looking for a black cat that isn't there.He is distinguished from the theologian in that the theologian finds the cat.He is also distinguished from the lawyer, who smuggles in a cat in his overcoat pocket and emerges to produce it in triumph. William L. Prosser, "My Philosophy of Law," Cornell Law Quarterly, 1942 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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